When You Let Twelve-Step Recovery Groups Convince You That You’re Powerless

Remember you can take back your power anytime

Domesticated cats are a divine paradox — fierce, feisty, yet often gentle, and reliant on us to care for them. They’re one of the most powerful animals I’ve encountered and I’m honored to have one as a pet. I’ve had many cats, and I’ve noticed how much they own their power.

The cat above is yawning, but appear to be planning their attack. They know they’re tiny but mighty. They don’t doubt their control over your household. They never seem to feel powerless over anything, except maybe you not letting them outside.

Cats are less complicated than a group of drunks sitting in an AA meeting.

For those of you familiar with 12-step groups like AA or NA, you know we talk about powerlessness, losing our power of choice over drugs and alcohol, and being out of control. We speak of wanting to quit but not being able to do it alone. “Lack of power, that was our dilemma,” as the Big Book says.

“Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.” — Chapter four, We Agnostics, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Most addicts and alcoholics drag our broken selves into meetings with no other options. We either ran out of proper tools or never had any. Many of us have mental health issues that affect our dependence on substances. We’re barely coping. That’s why being powerless works at first. We’re willing to listen, to try what others have tried, to be a follower.

It’s true, I felt powerless at first. I tried to stop drinking into oblivion. I tried to stop snorting coke and smoking meth. I kept getting loaded and getting into trouble. Convinced I needed help, I crawled into an AA meeting, desperate for a change. I didn’t drink or use for one day at a time, a lot of days in a row.

There had to be a God, and I wasn’t It. Otherwise, how could I have stopped? For many years, I believed wholeheartedly in turning my will and my life to a power greater than myself. It worked. I’ve been clean and sober since March 8, 2003 — a long ass time to work on myself.

The program worked well for a while. The group embraced me and I found a better way to live. I still don’t drink or use drugs, and live a healthy lifestyle. I’m honest, hold myself accountable, and I’m a decent friend, mother, and daughter. The twelve steps helped restore my sanity and revealed pieces of my authentic self.

Then I stopped going to meetings several years ago.

Guess what? I didn’t relapse. I didn’t become a “dry drunk”. I heard countless times that we are powerless — not only over alcohol and drugs, but people, places, and things. Some recovering folks seem to think that translates into a lifetime of powerlessness, that we need to work the steps or die. I’m living proof we don’t have to lose our power, and we don’t have to keep working the steps to stay alive and well.

Popular opinion asserts that quitting meeting attendance will inevitably lead to relapse. We tend to apply that warning to everyone, and the message can get loud. We hear over and over, “I stopped going to meetings” is their reason for drinking again. We’re convinced by evidence. So how could I just stop going to meetings and be fine?

If you’ve been to a meeting, you’ve probably heard the word “powerless” ad nauseum. It helped me a lot in the beginning. I needed to remember I had a disease — a brain disorder that I could only treat with behavior changes, and most likely abstinence. I also needed other people who had done it before to guide me toward a better path. So when others with longer time sober told me to find a Higher Power, I searched and found a trusted Source. I let my HP guide me, since I had nothing.

As a newcomer, I was at my most vulnerable and mighty impressionable. If you were sober longer than I was, I looked up to you. I believed what you said and took it as gospel. That slowly began to change, but I still had some groupthink imbedded into my way of thinking. It didn’t harm me for a while, because I was healthier than ever and was making such great progress. But, eventually, we all need to learn to think for ourselves.

AA claims to embrace everyone, encouraging us to find our own conception of God — a Power greater than ourselves. “We were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable,” the first step says, explained by the AA founder Bill Wilson. Bill W. and the original Oxford Group believed that lack of power was our problem. As alcoholics, we lost control over our choice in drink. I get that, as I relate from my past experience.

When we first get sober, we need external controls because we don’t have any of our own. As we grow, however, we begin to regain control over ourselves. That was my experience, but I kept hearing otherwise.

I was growing, but the message stayed the same. AA didn’t grow with me.

As the years passed, I wondered why some things I heard in meetings stopped resonating. I have friends with many years of sobriety living by the principles laid out in the Big Book, what some may call the “AA Bible”. They keep saying their disease is doing push-ups in the parking lot, or asserting that they have no power without the group. That’s nonsense. We may come in powerless, but we don’t stay that way.

Maybe that felt true for them, but I don’t believe my disease is waiting to pounce on me once I stop doing the steps. I haven’t “officially” worked the steps in at least five years, and my diseased thinking and actions haven’t returned. If anything, I’ve grown more since leaving.

I didn’t follow all suggestions and still stayed sober and healthy. Countless fellows relapsed or died, so was I just lucky? I never found the answer, and I’m sure I won’t ever find one. That is, after all, God’s department. And by the way, I’m calling it God for brevity.

Call it whatever you want, we sometimes don’t have all the answers, and that’s ok. But that doesn’t mean we’re helpless victims, either. It’s eventually time to step up. We’re not powerless over everything, just some things. I know, here I go again with my controversial statements.

I eventually grew tired of hearing that we’re so powerless. It used to be my story, but I no longer identify. I won’t tolerate victimhood and helplessness. It doesn’t help in the long run. Besides, it’s not true. Once you stop abusing substances, life offers a plethora of growth opportunities. In order to grow, we need to be willing to take chances and start trusting ourselves.

Besides, my fellow sober peeps are not always reliable sources of wisdom and sound advice. There’s a reason we don’t call it Well People’s Anonymous. Yeah, I know we say the steps and our sponsors only offer suggestions, but humans have a nasty habit of telling others what to do anyway.

What’s good for you might not be good for me, and vice versa. Sometimes it’s appropriate to stop going to meetings. No one in meetings will tell you that. But it’s ok, I promise. There’s a chance you can stay sober without them. You might even be one of those rare birds who can drink in moderation after a period of abstinence. Only you will know that.

Once I was able to stop drinking and using for a period of time and address my underlying issues (the reasons I drank), I was able to regain an internal locus of control. That meant I was not powerless. I got a new lease on life from following the 12 steps, but I grew up and out of the belief I lacked power. I’m not a leaf floating in the breeze.

What I’m saying here can be taboo in AA circles, so I took years to speak up. But speaking my truth got easier once I began to own my power. That’s right, my power. Now I don’t care what you think of my choices or opinions. We’re allowed to think and act differently. We’d be boring without our different views.

Although 12-step groups have a relatively high success rate when followed, the program is only one way to approach recovery. I know people who smoke weed but haven’t touched a drop of alcohol for 25 years. They’re living manageable, meaningful lives without breaking out in handcuffs or destroying their relationships. I know others who drink and smoke weed, but quit jabbing needles in their arms. I’d rather someone get clean from heroin than insist they quit everything. I can’t be in their shoes.

Going to AA used to help me, and I helped others by sharing my experience, strength, and hope in meetings. It’s no longer a good fit. I can still be of service to someone who suffers without going to an AA meeting. I’m out in the world, living my life, being an example for others. There are other valid ways to practice the principles of loving kindness of self and others everywhere else in the world. I can carry the message of hope anywhere, anytime.

It’s true that AA offered me the life I have now, but now I dance to my own rhythm. Being in recovery groups aren’t the only reason I’m healthy and sober. I don’t have to go to AA meetings one day at a time for the rest of my life. I don’t have to go at all. I also don’t need anyone else’s approval. I can make decisions about what I do with my time.

I’m a solo parent who homeschools and works two part-time gigs. I take scooter walks with my mama friend and our kids. We work out some spiritual shit on those walks. I can bring the spirit of what gifts I found in meetings into every aspect of my life, including my relationships with my friends and family. I have a fulfilling, vibrant life, ripe with possibilities for spiritual growth.

I’ve matured over the past 19 years. I didn’t think this would be my experience, not going to meetings anymore, but I discovered that I don’t need them to stay sober (I used to attend often). I have a massive spiritual toolkit I use daily, and I make wise choices. And yes, I’m in control. I know what works for me, what feels good, and what I want. I don’t always want what others want. It took me a while to stop following and start leading my own life.

I still believe in letting go of what is out of my control. It usually comes in the form of other people. I know I can’t control what you do or say, so I let the magic of the Multiverse or Nature’s will take over. Besides, trying to change people is unattractive. It pushes you away, and I’d like to be close. So I let you do you. The only behavior I can control is mine.

Since I’ve stopped attending meetings, I can see what was going on. When I was sick with alcoholism, I needed others to help me choose. But that was temporary while I was healing and growing. I stunted my growth when I drank, and I grew up in AA. But now I don’t need others to make choices for me. Just because you said something is true, doesn’t make it so.

I was powerless over drugs and alcohol, and my life “…had become unmanageable,” as step one says in Chapter 5 of the Big Book. I’ve recovered “…from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body” (Forward to the 1st edition of Alcoholics Anonymous).

Does that mean I’m always going to be powerless over alcohol? I don’t know. That’s not how I feel at the moment. Would that change if I had one glass of wine? And would I stop at one glass? I don’t know. I decide every day not to test that. But I’m sure as shit not going to let a bunch of drunks tell me I don’t have power over anything else. I think the best lesson I learned while away from the rooms of AA was that I’m a grown woman who can choose to stay or go. The groups were helpful until they weren’t.

I have dear friends who still go to meetings on a regular basis. I want the best for them. But it wasn’t the best for me. I took what I needed and left the rest. I support them in whatever they need to do to stay sober and sane. I hope they’ll do the same for me. I trust that my AA friends reading this won’t judge me. That’s not what this is about. I had to stop going so I could find the rest of those pieces of my true self and bond them together to form who I am today.

If you need to stop drinking or abusing drugs, of course I support you getting sober. If you’re willing to be honest and take action that serves you well and helps others, it doesn’t matter where you do it. True change comes from within, and there are fellow humans everywhere to guide you along your path. And they can show you how to reclaim your power, even when you’re lacking it in other areas.

You’re not a helpless victim, and you don’t have to be afraid of owning your power. You’re a powerful source of divine energy, and don’t you forget it. Go to meetings, or don’t. You do you, and I’ll do me. Follow your cat’s lead if you’re unsure. They know what’s up.

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