How Snorting Cocaine Helped Me Learn a New Language
And knocked me off my proverbial culo
People marvel at my ability to speak nearly fluent Spanish. I’ll bet no one knows the real reason why I sound like I was born in Mexico. I’m exceptionally adept at learning foreign languages. I took classes in college, and I enjoyed it immensely. But that isn’t why I’m so good at it.
It isn’t because I grew up in a small town where half of our residents speak Spanish as their first language. And it’s not from practicing at the local restaurants or with neighbors.
I’m convinced I learned more about Spanish conversation and Mexican culture by snorting cocaine. I spent my twenties getting high and chattering away at lightning speed after doing “rayas” (lines) in dirty pool hall bar bathrooms with Spanish-speaking friends. The place I remember best was called Tankers. And hell yeah, I got tanked there. So I’d try to “even out” with a line — or five.
Most of my coke snorting pals spoke limited English where I was hanging out. When I was high, I felt like I was bilingual. They taught me what I’d forget. I realize my drug-induced language proficiency probably wasn’t as brilliant as I remember it. But I’m confident I got plenty of practice while I was partying.
Besides mastering conversational Español, here’s what I learned from my cocaine binges:
People only want to be your friend if you’re “holding” (have drugs), or they want to have sex with you.
I can’t tell you how many drug buddies I’ve had over the years I was using, or most of their names.
Those “friends” I met in that pool hall were initiated by me asking if they had a line to share or a bag to buy. They were almost exclusively men, and most of them asked me to give them a blowjob in exchange.
After rolling my dollar bill and snorting a fat line off the back of that nasty toilet seat, I’d feign innocence and ask for another. I always insisted on paying them. Always. Thank God they didn’t try harder.
Some of them cared about my well-being, or I might not be alive and as well as I am today. The ones I called friends never ended up asking me for sexual favors. Frankly, I think I just got lucky that none of those guys hurt me. But I never saw them again unless it was in a 12-step meeting. They disappeared from my life as quickly as they came in.
Heart attacks among young people aren’t common, unless you’re regularly using stimulant drugs (or have an underlying condition).
A normal adult heart rate should be between 60–100 beats per minute (BPM). If your heart feels like it’s going to leap out of your chest and you haven’t run a marathon, that’s a problem.
One morning, I thought I was having a heart attack. I was probably around 28 years old. I snorted several lines of coke the size of my thumb with a friend in his car around 9 am. I was so scared, I called my parents, who were both at work.
My mom told me to walk laps around our house to metabolize it. She said in a matter-of-fact tone that the only thing that would help bring relief was time. She kept her nurse practitioner role with me.
My dad was more irrational because he was afraid and demanded I come to his work. Of course, I declined, and I guess he relented. I walked the laps then went to bed, completely terrified I’d die.
I slept it off after I swore I’d never do coke again. I lasted until the following weekend.
Drug use isn’t a choice after you cross that invisible line.
I remember the first time my friend offered me a line of coke. I was drunk on cheap beer, eating chicken McNuggets at her after-hours party. So I was vulnerable to making stupid choices. I remember the rush of euphoria. I remember wanting more immediately afterward.
But I don’t remember when I crossed the invisible line. It was probably in between rolling the dollar bill and the white powder stinging my nasal cavities. It was that quick. The moment I decided to use coke, it held me prisoner.
I’d do anything to chase the high again. I’d settle for meth, because it’ll do the trick when I can’t get my “drug of choice”.
I’m an alcoholic through and through, and I always came back to drinking. But cocaine was an entirely different beast. Coke offered me dopamine when I’d lost it. Like booze, coke offered me the illusion of camaraderie when I was lonely, with a bonus. I got to be part of an exclusive group. Sure, they were jonesing for drugs and couldn’t be trusted. But they were mine.
Addiction did that. Yes, the drug itself is dangerous and unhealthy. But the hard wiring of my brain that flipped the switch is what brought me to hell. My addiction led me down roads I didn’t want to tread and homes I need not enter.
Cocaine taught me that I could and did lose my ability to choose when I became addicted. It beckoned me to use the dirtier version, the wretched meth. Or it would convince me I’d find more if I dared get in that car with a strange dude who made my spidey senses stand on edge. I ignored my intuition too many times because I needed to get high.
Final thoughts
I’ll bet you’re wondering how I got out of cocaine hell. I didn’t use my suave language skills, and I didn’t one day wake up and decide to walk away and never look back.
But I did ask for help. I asked, and I received a clear mystical intervention that some may call God. I hit a lot of bottoms over the years, but they never seemed to take. March 8th, 2003 marks the day I surrendered my broken mind, body, and spirit over to the care of a power greater than myself. And this time, it worked. My addiction to drugs and alcohol was miraculously lifted.
I can’t explain why it worked when it did and no sooner. I only know I’m grateful I had a magical ticket out of the hell I was once trapped in.
I don’t need drugs to enhance my ability to speak Spanish, build social support, or make me feel happy. Cocaine teased me with all of it, then took it away. Today I get to choose how I treat myself. And I choose to be healthy, happy, and free.
If you think you might have a problem with drugs or alcohol, you probably do. I’d suggest checking out 12-step and other addiction recovery resources.
Narcotics Anonymous: na.org
Cocaine Anonymous: ca.org
Alcoholics Anonymous: AA.org
Resources for alcohol and drug addiction:
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