When Taking on Other People’s Problems Becomes Too Heavy…
You may discover you’re not as strong as you think.
You know the friend who calls you when she's sad and depressed and wants you to be sad and depressed with her? If you aren't sad and depressed, she wants advice about the same guy, job, or family members she's been upset over for years (you know she won’t use it).
Yesterday, I ran out of advice. I didn't have anything to say to make my friend feel better. I didn't have any new answers to her problems. Therefore,
I permitted myself to be unbothered.
Unbothered and Unanswered
I couldn't go through another one of those conversations where hours later, I feel weighed down by the fetters of her problems. All I did was listen. I listened, and I heard her words.
But I learned something. My overwhelming desire to have the answer to her problems was the heaviness I would feel after a conversation with her.
That heaviness would have a bearing on me for hours and sometimes days. But a few days before our conversation, I'd learned a life lesson about my need to be helpful.
My Need to be Helpful
My need to be helpful connects to my struggles with perfectionism. The more I study Intrapersonal Communication and Intrapersonal Intelligence, the more I understand how perfectionism and self-worth are entangled.
Yep, my need to have the answer to the problem is a characteristic of perfectionism.
Without a doubt, I've learned problem-solving skills as a writer, but it doesn't mean I have to solve the problem or have the answers. Ironically, I came to this awareness after writing a story.
A Story Helped Me Understand How to Let Go When You Don't Have Any Answers
A few days ago, I published Reinventing Prosperity and Freedom: Is There a New American Dream? on the platform. I raised a few questions, things I’d noticed and pondered, and though I didn't have an answer by the end of the story, I was okay with it.
Typically, I would research for days upon days, reading scholarly articles to answer questions I think others would have.
I would flip the pages of my journals to see what life experiences and practices I could share from my own life to provide answers. Yet, for that story, I had no answers.
And I was okay with it. I allowed my audience to share their ideas and what they believed were the answers. Writing that piece taught me a life lesson I hadn't expected, and that is:
Maybe you don’t need to know all the answers. Maybe my answers are like spoilers to the end of a movie.
Unbothered and Unburdened
Our peace is disturbed when we are bothered by other people's issues. And if you are a recovering perfectionist and life-long fixer, then you are not only bothered, but you try to carry the weight of other people's problems.
After subscribing to everyone's issues and carrying other folk's burdens, you discover you're not as strong as you think.
Those problems that are not your own are draining your life force energy and preventing you from expanding your Intrapersonal Intelligence.
What About Your Problems?
A vital aspect of Intrapersonal Intelligence is Intrapersonal Communication. Yep, that time of self-talk and self-reflection.
How much time do you think you will have for self-reflection if you're mulling over someone else's problems?
Not much.
In many ways, you know it's a distraction from your own stuff.
What if it's a guise for judgment?
When we take on other people's problems, it can become a guise of judgment.
The attempt to solve someone else's issues can be a lack of self-awareness on our part. We can judge someone else and feel our problems aren't so bad.
I'm not above admitting I've done this. I've listened to someone else's problems and said, "that's not so bad." And like a good little fixer, I have the answer.
I've also listened to someone else's problems and said, "See," shaming myself, "you don't have it as bad as you think. You should be grateful."
Unbothered is Not Uncaring
“You’ve got to learn how to care for other people without taking on their problems.” — Phylicia Rashad
So, here is the funny thing that happened with my friend. She went through a list of things she needed to do to assert and reclaim her well-being. She knew the answers to her problems.
Subsequently, her answers were better than any advice I could have given her at the time.
Friends, choosing to be unbothered isn't an uncaring act. Instead, choosing to be unbothered is holding your position so that others can step up taking responsibility for their decisions and actions without your interference.
The More You Focus On Your Self-Awareness Journey
As I focus on my own self-awareness journey, the less I desire to solve other people's problems. I can share my journey to knowledge and wisdom about a thing through writing and storytelling.
And even as I write, it's okay if I don't have the answer, a list, or a protocol. Sometimes people just need to know you've treaded those waters too, or you've questioned that thing too.
Fam, I'm curious. What are you doing to focus more on your self-awareness journey?
Please share your thoughts in the comments.
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And here are two fantastic stories from writers you’ll love:
📖 The Sea and Me: The Wonders I See, Hear, And Feel by Pene Hodge
