How I Transformed Toxic Positivity To a Healthy State of Emotional Well-Being

During a record hot day in Tennesee, I discovered how a monochromatic positivity practice wouldn't bring me joy or peace of mind.

"Maybe I'm sad today. Maybe there are eight different reasons I can be sad today. Maybe some of them are important, and some aren't," says New York Times Bestselling Author Mark Manson.

"But I get to decide how important those reasons are — whether those reasons state something about my character or it's just one of those sad days," he continued in his blog Life Advice That Doesn't Suck.

Most of us would love to live in a safe world with happy, smiling faces and an ice cream shop on every corner. But life doesn't always come with sprinkles and a cherry on top. Sometimes ice cream drips down your arm while your waffle cone limps in 104-degree weather.

As you clean what has become a sticky mess, your overall state of being may be joyful, peaceful, and happy, but at that moment, you're frustrated.

And maybe that's okay.

When the Power of Positivity Becomes Poisonous

So, I had a bad day. And instead of admitting I was frustrated, I pretended everything was, as I love to say, "Cool."

No, it wasn't cool. It was 104 degrees in Tennessee. The day was hot, humid, and muggy.

It was one of those days when it seemed everywhere I went; I was in a long line. I stood in a long line at the bank. I stood in a long line at Trader Joe's. I sat in traffic for 30 minutes.

But as the traffic began to move slowly, I saw there had been a terrible accident. Two people were lying on a stretcher, and two mangled cars revealed a terrible accident had occurred.

Dripping sweat in a tight-fitted orange and neon green vest, a crossing guard directed all of us drivers through a detour leading me home.

Arriving safely, I sat in my car in the parking garage and internally shamed myself. "See, all you have to be grateful for," I mumbled.

With a forced smile plastered on my face, trying to remain positive, I pushed my cart of groceries through the doors of my building and onto the elevator, still chanting "be grateful" in my head.

My shame was mixed with frustration when I opened the door to my loft, and it felt like the seventh circle of hell. Besides the heat, mostly, I was frustrated with myself for being sad and exhausted. After all, I wasn't one of those two people in that accident.

When I am disheartened, I pick up my journal and write. I wanted to write about all the things for which I was grateful. Instead, what spilled from my pen was,

“Why do I always have to be so damn positive? I’m tired.”

Pretending to be positive isn't positive; it's toxic.

Life is beautiful for sure, but some days are a beautiful mess. Some days we are not okay, calm, or positive. To become emotionally intelligent, we must learn to cope with our sadness, anger, and disappointments. Painting over these emotions with shame isn't healthy or productive.

An article entitled, The Dangers of Toxic Positivity, from Pineland's Recovery Center of Medford, a leading treatment center for substance abuse and co-occurring disorders, discourages excessive positivity when it denies our emotions.

According to the treatment center, "relentlessly focusing on the positive, such as the things you should be grateful for, without validating your challenges or misfortunes" is a form of Toxic Positivity.

Toxic positivity causes us to suppress our emotions.

Toxic Positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. Moreover, toxic positivity minimizes, denies, and invalidates our human emotions.

Our ability to regulate our emotions plays a critical role in our mental health, physical health, and overall well-being.

In a report by the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, a study determined the effects of hiding and suppressing emotions. One hundred eighty participants watched sad, neutral, and amusing films during the investigation. Ninety participants were asked to suppress and inhibit their expressive behavior while watching the films, and 90 were asked to simply watch the films (no suppression).

The results were,

Physiologically, suppression had no effect in the neutral film, but clear effects in both negative and positive emotional films, including increased sympathetic activation of the cardiovascular system. On the basis of these findings, “we suggest several ways emotional inhibition may influence psychological functioning (Gross and Levenson).”

Consequently, toxic positivity only suppresses our emotions. When we suppress our emotions, those emotions are held in the body and can cause anxiety, depression, stress-related illness, substance abuse, and suicide.

Toxic Positivity Can Stunt Our Personal Growth

A monochromatic practice of positivity can become toxic. If positivity doesn't support our well-being, it also stunts our personal growth.

Through personal growth practices, we develop a growth mindset. As we build resiliency, we learn how to view and treat setbacks, frustration, and failures as opportunities to learn and grow.

We reflect and use the lesson learned to develop new skills and strategies to overcome adversity, solve problems and move on.

But we can't build resiliency if we deny, invalidate, and suppress our emotions.

Lesson Learned: I Can Acknowledge My Emotions and Maintain A Positive State of Being

After my journal entry, I took a deep breath and allowed the emotions of frustration to rush over me and subside as I returned to peace. I silently prayed for the two people in the accident and unloaded my groceries from my cart.

I was genuinely grateful. At that moment, I learned I could feel sad and still maintain an overall state of happiness and gratitude.

Ultimately, I discovered I wouldn't break if I was hurt, sad, or disappointed. I don't have to shame myself with gratitude and statements like, "oh, get over your first-world problems."

Mindfully, I can sit with an emotion, feel it, give context to the feeling, and continue to live a positive, healthy, happy life.

I’m curious, how do you handle those frustrating and messy days?

Please share your thoughts in the comments.