MENTAL HEALTH/ POETRY

When I Began to Hurt Myself

I knew that my mental health had reached a crisis point

The constriction, this suffocation; The choking, the struggle to inhale. Clawing fingers of fear and pain, Tearing at the chest, the throat, the solar plexus.

The affliction, this consuming terror from causes unknown; Tremulous and weak, holding back the flood. Denying, refusing, Unaccepting.

The contradiction, this bloodletting; That which wounds while it comforts, That scars while it heals. Beads of magenta that emerge from pale and barren ground, Bringing relief like exhalation of long-trapped breath.

The mortification, these stains on skin and soul; That bring remembrance of control and denial of bondage, Whilst evidencing incontinence and loss of willpower. Shaming, desecrating, tainting. Disgraceful subjugation.

The irritation; splinters of skin Raw and itching. The discolouration; the poisonous yellow-green ooze of cuts that run too deep. Totems, Talismans, Testaments.

The indifference, this lack of care; The shame my penance, wholly deserved. Reminding me of my weakness, my hopelessness. My uselessness.

I wrote the poem above in 2017 whilst in a dangerously low nadir in my mental health, during which I had begun to indulge in self-harming behaviors. This low ebb began with an increase in alcohol consumption and reached its pinnacle when, having drunk half a bottle of tequila and a whole bottle of vodka, I scratched my leg with a sharp sewing needle until I drew a heavy flow of blood that poured down to my ankle. I still bear the scar on my leg today, years later.

I was in my 40s when I began self-harming, and I had no history of having engaged in such behaviors at any other point of my life, despite being no stranger to depression and anxiety.

I had always associated self-harming, especially cutting, with adolescent teens. That I had succumbed at such a late age only added to my feelings of uselessness as I told myself that I was a childish cry-baby and a maladapted failure who couldn’t cope with adult life. These emotions, when added to the depression and negative thoughts that were causing the mental turmoil that led to my harming, only served to compound the problem, thus creating a negative feedback loop of pain, trauma, and self-injury.

Over the course of the next six months or so, I established several methods of self-harming, mainly by cutting. I kept a “kit” containing all of my cutting paraphernalia, along with Hibiscrub (chlorhexidine), antiseptic cream, gauze, and bandages for post-injury care. Though it may seem odd, I was actually very careful and mindful of avoiding infection and tending to my self-inflicted wounds.

Whilst it may be argued that self-harming individuals have less-than-optimal regard for their health and wellbeing, it is important to note that self-harm through cutting is not typical of suicide and, indeed, in the vast majority of cases, people who cut are not attempting to end their life. In fact, many cutters say they do so in order to feel alive, using pain and injury as a way to feel something through the numbness and nothingness in which they find themselves.

“ I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that’s real…”

(‘Hurt’, Nine Inch Nails. Lyrics- Michael Trent Reznor)

Likewise, a person’s self-harming may be an outlet for their emotional pain. Indeed, for me, this was the primary reason for my behavior. I was struggling to cope with the quagmire of unhappy and painful emotions that had been building up over the course of years; battling bilateral breast cancer and the ongoing after-effects of chemo-, radio-, and endocrine therapies, the sudden and unexpected death of my beloved mother, distress and unhappiness at work, and an overwhelming feeling that I just didn’t have the strength needed to keep going.

As I related in an earlier article, “Oh My Crazy Baby: Feeling Like You’re Losing Your Mind”, I sought help from my doctor very quickly once the self-harming and excessive alcohol consumption took hold, and I will always be grateful to my General Practitioner for listening without judgement, and for helping me to get the counselling and mental health treatment I needed. Nevertheless, I continued to harm for several months before I managed to break my addiction. Though I did suffer a few relapses in the aftermath, they were predominantly isolated incidents that I was able to overcome promptly. Also, importantly, I reported these incidents to my therapist and, in the safe space of her office, worked through the feelings and emotions that were bringing on my relapses.

I am proud to say that I haven’t self-harmed in nearly two years. Fortunately, I hadn’t been drinking heavily for long enough to have established a habit, but nonetheless, just to be on the safe side, I don’t keep much alcohol in the house anymore.

Overcoming self-harm is difficult, but with help and support, it can be done. If you are struggling with self-harm and self-injury, don’t suffer alone.

When in the grip of a mental health crisis, it may seem impossible to see a light at the end of the tunnel and, even if you can, your thoughts are often too hazy and confused to find your way on your own. I assure you, there are people who can help and support you through self-harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, grief, severe anxiety, and any other mental health concerns that are affecting your life.

I know, because there were people that helped me.

I am here today, managing my mental health issues, feeling better about myself and my future, and able to read and share the poem I wrote in the grip of a crisis, all because there were people who cared about me when I was too unwell to care about myself.

Please don’t be afraid to seek help. You are not alone and, no matter how your illness may try to trick you into believing otherwise, you matter, and the world is a better place for having you in it.

Click here for Mental Health Crisis Contacts in the UK

List of Suicide Crisis Phone Numbers by Country

Jupiter Grant is a self-published author, blogger, narrator, and audiobook producer. Buy me a coffee here: https://ko-fi.com/jupitergrant

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