When Does *The Other Side Of The Story* Matter In Affair Recovery?

Does it even matter that much?

This is a conversation that is hard to have in the aftermath of Discovery Day. When an affair has come to light, the last thing a betrayed partner wants to think about is their cheating partner’s side of things.

When is the right time to go over it? Is there a right time?

There Is A Wrong Time To Discuss This Issue

In the first few days, weeks, and possibly months after the initial D-Day and any subsequent ones (from Trickle Truth), the focus is not equitable.

Instead, the focus is on crisis recovery and pain management.

An analogy: If someone is brought into the ER with a gunshot wound, would you stop working on the victim to ask the shooter the reasons they felt they needed to shoot them, or would you patch up the damage first?

This is the way many people who have been cheated on feel. Like they have been shot in the gut and are trying their best to not bleed out.

You triage based on necessity first, then work your way out to other issues.

Having The Talk Too Soon Will Backfire

Expecting a cheated-on partner (who is still reeling from the discovery) to be able to sit and listen to the cheater’s side is unfair. The hurt and pain will not allow the words to sink in. They will instead swirl around in the brain fog and confusion. It’s a set-up for failure.

If you want to repair the relationship, waiting until they have had time to work on the trauma is necessary.

The time to talk about the cheater’s side of things will come later on. They caused this crisis by acting one-sided and they can now let their partner have a turn.

PTSD From Cheating Happens A Lot

Having PTSD is not a choice. I have heard from a few people that the cheated-on spouse didn’t have to react by being traumatized or turning their pain into PTSD.

That makes no sense! That isn’t how trauma works. It is an ignorant statement. It’s like saying someone chose to have BPD or chose to have ADHD. You don’t choose these things.

Who would ever choose to have PTSD?

The only thing they can choose is to work on the healing that it takes to recover from or manage the disorders. Even that only comes after the dust has settled.

In the immediate, getting the nervous system to settle and creating emotional (and sometimes physical) safety takes precedence over growth.

Infidelity trauma is real. It is painful. It takes time to recover from.

PTSD Affects Your Ability To Function

This is why it must be addressed first before any affair recovery work can be done.

1. This study in Science Direct concluded that only the cheating partners improved their depression and sense of satisfaction with couples counseling. It also found that the majority of the partners of the cheaters were found to have post-traumatic anxiety symptoms.
2. From the Indian Journal of Psychiatric Nursing, this article discusses PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder) and its effect on 20–40% of partners after affair discovery.
3. This 2023 study from Trauma Care, discusses in it the consistent finding of Post-traumatic stress resulting from affair discovery and the long-lasting adverse effects it has on the partners.

There were dozens of studies I could have cited that I found within the first 10 seconds of research. I wonder how many there would have been if I spent even a full 5 minutes searching.

The research is clear. Cheating Is Trauma.

Again, equity is not the focus in the immediate aftermath of an affair. There was no equity when there was a secret affair happening, so why expect it now? All of the knowledge and understanding of the situation was completely on one side before discovery. It swings in the other direction afterward.

Equity does not mean equal or 50/50 in a partnership. Sometimes one person needs 75% and others may only need 40%. The total always equals 100 but either side has different levels of need.

If one partner’s need is greater at the moment, then that partner needs more of the attention. To expect it to be split evenly is unrealistic. That is continuing with the selfish behavior that created this scenario in the first place.

Not only that but expecting a partner to be open to the cheater’s side of things when they are trying to come to grips that their life was just blown apart is cruel.

If the goal is to repair, then a healing space needs to be provided. If the goal is to separate, they may never want to know why but if they do then do your ex-partner a favor and give them a moment to get their feet under them.

There will be a time later for your story to come out.

But When? When Is That Time?

Since there is no way to track a trauma timeline between individuals there’s no real way to answer this with a number.

In general, once the partner has had the opportunity to cycle through the pain, rage, and initial chaotic state of discovery, then the reasons behind their partner’s infidelity can be discussed.

It comes down to safety.

If the partner does not feel safe, there is an increased chance that having to hear about the reasons will result in further harm. This could restart the healing cycle from the beginning and delay or even completely halt growth and repair.

If the goal is to reconnect, do it without causing more damage. Give them a moment to process. It will be better for you in the long run.

They Will Ask About It

The majority of partners do want to know some or all the details of the affair. (I haven’t met one yet that didn’t, though I have heard of them.)

These details will include wanting to know why it happened.

Don’t expect them to be open to the answer.

Often they will ask before they are ready to hear it. They want details to make sense of things in their head not to try to understand your motivations and feelings.

That part comes later.

The regret of asking for this too soon is painful and they may try to take it back. That is normal and happens a lot. In the beginning, the act of asking for details is part of the process of re-ordering thoughts and creating a timeline in their mind.

It is a piece of processing trauma.

The best way to answer these questions is with facts. Cut and dry facts.

They have a lot of feelings going on inside them already and won’t have enough space or clarity to add yours to it… yet.

The cheater’s side does matter. It simply isn’t as important as the trauma in the moment

For cheaters, if you want your side to be heard-> wait. Spend the time now creating a place where your story can be heard.

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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]

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