Traditional Marriage Counseling Gets It Wrong On This Aspect

Don’t go to a therapist or coach who doesn’t understand trauma if you are dealing with an addict or abuser, especially a narcissistic one.

Marriage counseling can be great. Anything can be great under the right circumstances. Yet when it comes to marriage counseling with an abuser, many traditional therapists get it wrong in one big way.

Going to marriage counseling with an addict or abuser sets you up for more abuse. This is never more true than when that person is also a narcissist.

Is Marriage Counseling Useless?

In this situation, it is more harmful than helpful. At least in the beginning.

I do feel marriage counseling has a place in an abusive relationship after the abuse has been addressed significantly and safety has been created. Yet that is not the typical case during the onset of most counseling journeys.

The reason for this is because the marriage is the client, not the individuals. In a traditional couples counseling situation, abuse is not a core aspect of the relationship. In a narcissistic relationship, it is. It’s built into the foundation.

The special way narcissistic abuse is inflicted can be summed up into one word = Utilization.

That is how and why narcissistic abuse is so specific to the individual being abused. The narcissist utilizes what is special to their victim to use against them. This explains why you get different kinds of abuse between different people from the same narcissist.

They take the information given to them about that person and use it on them in whatever way will manipulate them the best.

In a couples counseling session, the narcissist has the perfect opportunity to gather information to be used against their partner at a later time.

Addiction and narcissism are not the same thing, but when someone is deep in their addiction the differences between their actions are negligible. The goal of continuing their behavior and getting away with using, leads them to use counseling in the same fashion. That is why they are lumped together in this article.

Marriage Counseling Does The Work For Them

The marriage counselor will be inquisitive, ask detailed questions, illicit strong emotions and get to core reason of why you are in therapy… which provides all the ammunition a narcissist will need to go deeper and more hurtful with their abuse.

This is what happens with a narcissist. Any information can be re-formed into bullets to shoot you with. This is the reason providing them with the least amount of information possible is the best policy to keep you safest.

Yet, marriage counseling is designed to do the exact opposite. It is supposed to be open and expressive. Two things that will come back to bite you in a narcissistic relationship.

The Narcissist Is Not Likely To Stay In Couples Counseling

If you have a counselor or coach that sees through the bull and tries to hold the abuser accountable, that will probably be your last session with them.

Why would they want to?

A counselor that promotes accountability and shines the light on bad behavior is not going to be someone they can manipulate and use in their scheme.

The narcissist will find a reason (any reason) why they cannot continue.

Things like:

• She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
• Did you see the way she dressed? Why should I listen to her?
• He was on your side. I’m not going to get ganged up on in there.
• I could have done better than that.
• They’re too expensive.
• I can’t figure out how to make appointments.
• His schedule is too full.
• They never have any times I can come to.

They will find or fabricate a reason they can’t go back to avoid having to be held accountable to reality.

The Counselor Can Make A Good Partner

Not only is it a good arena to gather information, it’s also a good way to triangulate abuse. If the counselor is unaware of your partner’s tactics or is uneducated on personality disorders, this could happen easily.

Triangulation in narcissistic abuse= using another person to form an alliance against the target of abuse. It can be for a long time or for a moment.

Triangulation is a power play. It’s a way to manipulate a third person into doing what they want and bringing them to their side. It also spreads out the energetic load. It takes effort and energy to abuse someone. If they can use other people, they will.

It also isolates their victim. If they can find a way to use the trusted person (the counselor,) the abuse victim will not have a safe space to discuss their wants and needs.

This becomes a dangerous place for someone to be stuck in and it happens frequently. The help that was desperately sought has become another form of abuse, furthering the damage and promoting higher co-dependency.

If you are in this situation right now, it may be best to discuss it with your counselor on your own without your partner present.

The Right Time For Marriage Counseling?

Is there a right time to go to marriage counseling with a narcissist?

I like to tell people to never do it if they can avoid it. Sometimes you can’t though. If you must go to counseling, prescribing to the theory of Radical Acceptance will keep you as safe as possible.

Safer, but not safe at the onset.

If you have had significant healing work on your own AND your narcissistic partner has been in a treatment program, then marriage counseling may be beneficial.

After they have had a while to work on their own issues and have made improvements, then marriage counseling could have a positive effect on the relationship. However, the goal would not be the same as it would be if your partner was not narcissistic. It will be more focused on boundaries, reducing harm and abuse, managing expectations and setting realistic goals. As opposed to a traditional focus being on connection and intimacy within the relationship.

If your partner does have NPD, they will not be able to perform work on traditional goals. It is not in their ability. It would be a waste of money and time as well as being frustrating for you both.

If you have not yet begun trauma recovery and boundary setting work, going to marriage counseling with a narcissistic partner will be stressful and will not accomplish your goals because you don’t have any defenses built up yet. A nervous system in chaos doesn’t get settled by jumping into more chaos.

Don’t *Try It and See What Happens*

This is a sure fire way to get burned. If you want to salvage your relationship, set yourself up for success. Get your own couples counseling and trauma recovery coaching first.

Marriage counseling does not have to involve both people at the same time. You can go alone.

Why risk further abuse by jumping in before it’s safe?

In abusive relationships there is already enough regret. Make this one less thing to look back on and wish it had been different.

It’s OK to choose you.

Good Luck.

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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- for links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]

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