Summary

The article discusses the desire for non-sexual physical intimacy and emotional connection when one is not in the mood for sex.

Abstract

The author of the article expresses a need for a different kind of intimacy when sexual desire is absent. It's about seeking comfort and safety in physical closeness without the expectation of sexual activity. The piece emphasizes the importance of being present and offering gentle touch, such as holding or light caressing, as a means to nurture and soothe a partner who feels vulnerable or depleted. The author describes scenarios where physical contact is desired purely for the sake of connection and reassurance, without any underlying sexual agenda.

Opinions

The author feels that sexual intimacy can sometimes be too vulnerable or overwhelming, and a gentler form of touch is preferred.
There is an expressed need for physical contact that is comforting and affirming, without the pressure to engage in sexual activity.
The author values the feeling of being protected and cherished by their partner's presence and touch.
It is important to the author that their partner understands and respects their need for non-sexual intimacy without taking it as a rejection.
The article suggests that intimate moments can be healing and nurturing when they are free from the expectation of sexual escalation.
The author desires a connection that allows them to be open and relaxed without the need to perform or reciprocate sexually.
The piece conveys that intimacy can take many forms and that understanding and respecting a partner's boundaries is crucial for a deep and trusting relationship.

What Women Want When They Don’t Want Sex

Can you just be with me?

I have nothing in the well right now. I don’t know how to be or feel sexual. It feels too scary. Too vulnerable.

I want to be able to spin my sexy words and whisper them into your ear.

I want to be able to fall heavily and completely into my body so that I can melt around you, into you. I need to tether myself to the earth so that the ecstasy of touching you won’t cause me to skitter away into the clouds, like a balloon that blew out of someone’s grasp.

I want to be able to throw myself into this wanting, to run head first into it, to completely surrender.

But I can’t. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel safe. Sometimes, I don’t have anything inside me to give to a sexual exchange, or even to the opening of my desire. Sometimes, I just need something…different.

Would you just be with me right now?

I don’t really want to take my clothes off. It’s too vulnerable to be naked. Maybe I could keep them on and you could put your arms around me and sneak your hand a little way underneath my shirt to find a pocket of skin — upper hip or lower back — and just run your fingers along that stretch. Nothing more. No assertion of further curiosity or desire. Just your fingers on my skin, underneath my clothes, where I feel safe and warm.

Maybe you could even place a blanket around my shoulders, covering me, a symbolic shield from the world, and beneath that covering, your fingers will move like ladybugs, soft and light across my skin, where no one can see them.

If I want to take my clothes off, please, will you let me lie here without needing to give you what I can’t give you at this moment? Could you just stroke my shoulder or thigh without letting your fingers wander? Could you just put your arms around me and press your warm body into mine? Could you use your limbs to make a cocoon around me where I can rest in total safety?

Do you know how to kiss without solicitation? Could you lift my hair and kiss me up and down the back of my neck the way you do to arouse me, but this time, just to give me pleasure? Just to soothe me?

Can you offer touch without expectation? Can you nourish me in this way?

I want that. I might not have much in the well. I might not feel safe. I might not have the capacity to return — or even receive — sexual contact, sexual energy.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be touched. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel gentle lips, light fingers, capable hands on my skin.

I do. I want that so badly.

If I had to give nothing, to take nothing inside me, to be nothing but this tired, worn-out soul in this tired, middle-aged body, if I knew I wouldn’t have to put up boundaries, to be prepared to say, “No, I can’t do that right now”…then I would want to be touched all over.

If I felt safe enough to know that I wouldn’t have to resist sexual engagement, that I wouldn’t have to worry about your feelings, that I wouldn’t have to smile and follow the script that I’m supposed to follow, I would want you to touch me everywhere.

Kiss along the hollows of my armpits. Stroke my breasts as if they need soothing. Cuddle and caress my thighs the way you would two soft puppies. Run a thumb along the arch of my feet, where I’m always so sore. Nibble along the length of my jawline until I let out a long, slow breath.

And let me lie there through it all, soaking in all the medicine of your warmth and attention, needing to give nothing.

Give me all the weight of your body, or take all the weight of mine.

I love it when you’re on top of me and it feels like nothing in the world can get to me because I’m shielded by your body. I love to feel the heaviness of your weight on my chest. I love to run my fingers down your back and bottom.

Can we do that and nothing more?

Or we can lie side by side and I’ll rest my leg on or in between yours. Or maybe I can lie on your chest while you stroke my hair. Can you carry me?

What if I wanted to embrace you with every limb? To feel your body between my arms and thighs? Can I open my legs to you without having to take you into my body?

All I want is to fold you against me. To feel your legs and hips against my thighs. To cling to you like a weary spider.

Can you lie with me like that? Can you let me open my body so it can be filled with your love and nurturing, rather than your desire and need?

Can I unlock, unlatch, and unfurl myself knowing that you won’t try to ease in through the door? That you will only stand at its threshold and guard it until a moment in the indeterminate future when I can invite you inside?

Can you hold a hand over my heart with the same tenderness you’d give to a long, searching kiss? Can you tuck me against your chest with the same sense of purpose you would demonstrate when sliding your curious fingers between my legs? Can you wrap a tendril of my hair around your finger with the same staggering intimacy you seek when you slide slowly inside me?

Can you unbutton, unzip, and slip off my armor as deliberately and slowly as you remove my blouse, my jeans, my underwear?

And when it is lying on the floor, useless and insignificant, can you protect me? Can you let me lay myself bare and take nothing from me? Want nothing from me?

Can you breathe with me? Hold tight to me?

Can you just be with me?

More on low sexual energy:

Sometimes You Just Can’t Get It Up

And that doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

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Resist the Cultural Pressure to “Correct” Sexual Lows

Listen to your inner guidance, instead — it will tell you what to do

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