Resist the Cultural Pressure to “Correct” Sexual Lows

Listen to your inner guidance, instead — it will tell you what to do

I’m just going to be honest right now and say that this is one of the hardest articles about sex I’ve written. I don’t think I could feel much less sexual than I do right now, but deadlines and jobs don’t care about our sexual embodiment. So I’m going to use my cold, smothered loins as fodder for this article, because I truly believe a writer should be able to use anything — even the worst of circumstances — as inspiration.

What’s going on that has caused this issue?

It’s not that I have no sexual desire (that’s pretty rare), but that I have very low sexual energy. And lately, even less feelings of sexual worthiness. (Or worthiness, in general.)

Let’s dissect it, because I’ll bet at least some of this is happening to other people out there, too.

Body image issues

Oh boy, am I having a wrestle with my Body Dysmorphic Disorder these days. I started creating video content on YouTube a few months ago, and seeing myself on camera has been hard. I don’t like videoing myself. I don’t like photographing myself, either, but that’s not as bad as video. I can sort through a series of still images and usually find something I like. But in video, I have to look at things I don’t want to look at.

I walk like a clumsy, awkward caveman. Why do I walk like that? Even as I’ve tried to correct it, I still feel like I look like a big, awkward man who doesn’t know how to carry himself. Can’t I be elegant and graceful and walk in a feminine way like all my female friends do? What the hell?

And I won’t bore you with my list of horrors about how I feel about my weight and my aging, damaged skin. (Except to lament for the thousandth time: Why is my ass so disproportionately large, compared to the rest of my body?!)

Let’s just say that I’ve spent the last few months wondering if anyone will ever be able to see past my physical appearance enough to actually want to have sex with me — and that even when I had a momentary “maybe” from the universe, my worst fears ultimately feel confirmed.

Stress

I’ve been feeling an enormous amount of stress, lately. I have “frozen shoulder” (adhesive capsulitis) and I’ve been in pain 24/7 since February — and according to my doctors and physical therapist, the process of healing from this will take about twelve months.

I’m overwhelmed with work and exhausted from the hustle of freelancing.

I have pandemic fatigue, like the rest of us, and though I’m excited to have my second vaccination this week, it won’t change much of my habits or opportunities, due to my desire to exercise caution during an uncertain time. I’ll still be avoiding large groups and big parties, still avoiding touch to some extent, and still staying out of the way of the anti-mask populace in my “COVID is just the flu” town.

I’m also going through some difficult issues in my personal life that have me feeling depressed and maybe just a little hopeless about myself and my life.

I’m grateful that I already got back into therapy about a month ago, but it’s early enough in the process that I’m still feeling overwhelmed by my overwhelm.

My creative confidence is at an all-time low

All of a sudden, I’m not sure I have anything worthwhile to say. I’m not sure I know how to create anything beautiful or interesting. I’m not sure what I’m doing matters, anymore. And some of the work I did — like writing about my sexuality — has begun to make me feel more vulnerable than I might be able to handle.

When my creativity is in the can…so is my sexual energy. And vice versa. They’re the same thing, or at least inextricably entwined, in my experience. When one tanks, so does the other.

My friends are struggling

A couple of my dearest female friends are going through really terrible circumstances right now. One of them has just had her life turned upside-down in ways that I cannot imagine.

I am hurting because they are hurting. I feel horrible for what they are going through. I feel helpless because I can’t give them what they truly need right now.

It is hard to be creative and passionate when people I love are suffering.

It’s been a long, hard year (for more than a year)

I’ve been plugging along, mostly with a smile on my face for the past year plus. And I’m over it now.

Can I just lie down on the floor and have a tantrum? I don’t need anyone’s help or attention. Feel free to step over me and keep going, like when Carrie Bradshaw tripped on the runway and became “fashion roadkill.” I just need to lose it for a little while and not feel like I have to keep smiling.

Also, I totally lied just now. I do need help and attention. I just don’t know who to go to in order to ask for it. Or how to ask for it.

How do we fix a dip in sexual energy?

This might surprise you, but I don’t believe in trying to fix something like this.

First of all, sexual energy is meant to ebb and flow.

Further, our sexual energy is affected by everything in our life. It drives me crazy when people talk about it like it’s a singular, free-standing energy that is subject to our command. There’s no such thing as “just getting it up.” Everything — absolutely everything — affects the state of our sexual energy and it exists as its own living force, entirely sovereign, beyond the whims of our intellectual demands.

I feel like an ugly, unfuckable, unlovable old witch right now, and you know what? That’s fine. I can accept that. Shit happens. It’ll pass.

Listen to yourself

If you’re in a similar boat, first of all, welcome. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Secondly, listen to yourself, not to our cultural messages that encourage you to fix this, to fuck your way through it, to go on a diet, or whatever nonsense it peddles when it comes to this issue.

Accept your feelings

It’s okay to have super low sexual energy that you guardedly only spend on yourself. It’s okay to feel like a disgusting human being who isn’t worth being looked at, let alone fucked. It’s okay to not be able to “get it up.”

These things aren’t necessarily indicative of an enduring truth about you or your life. If you think it is, then remember that the only thing getting fucked right now is your mind.

Be kind to yourself — for the right reasons

In the days ahead, do what you feel is right.

Don’t get a facial because you feel ugly — get a facial because it makes you feel pampered and loved.

Don’t put on a pair of high heels because you think it’ll make you look hotter than your typical slippers-in-a-pandemic look. Wear them because they make you feel like a badass.

Don’t build an online dating profile to help you find validation in the places you feel so lacking. Do it only if it feels like a good way to shake things up, broaden your horizons, and give yourself more outlets for pleasure.

I often lose faith in the world and even in myself. But there’s one thing I don’t think I’ll ever lose faith in: the power of our sexual (creative) energy. It will always, always, always rise again. Even if it feels like it has completely disappeared.

Thankfully, the energy of life cannot die. It cannot be permanently muffled. It cannot be permanently silenced.

We often talk about how important it is to surrender to a sexual experience in the moment it is happening — to allow ourselves to feel all the pleasure and fulfillment it has to offer.

By the same token, I suspect we also must surrender to the feelings of low sexual energy or dissatisfied, unfulfilled sexual energy. That we must not rush in to “fix” anything.

There’s nothing to be fixed. This is part of the natural cycle of things.

So I’m going to have to sit here and surrender to this. To all the pain of feeling like an ugly, unworthy hag. To all the sorrow of not being able to feel like myself. To all the frustration of not being able to access my creativity.

This is just as important to the cycle as the ups. And like all things, it will pass…

© Yael Wolfe 2021

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