What to do when they push you away
Even in distance there can be a great deal of love. This is how to deal with a partner who’s pushing you away.
by: E.B. Johnson
Sometimes in this life, we encounter challenges in our relationships that test who we are as a couple and as individuals. The world pushes and pulls at us, and we have responsibilities to meet. When the stress seems like it’s at an all-time high, we can find ourselves being pushed and pulled away from one another. It’s possible to get on the same page again, though, and to put your relationship back on stable and steady grounds (in most cases).
You can be a supportive partner — even when your partner pushes away from you. Know the warning signs and act fast to prevent serious divisions that could otherwise prove fatal for your relationship. Get clear on your emotions, cut the projections, and create an environment in which you and your partner can open up honestly when things are going wrong. A drifting partner doesn’t have to mean an end. Catch the love before it slips through your hands forever.
Not all space means an ending.
When things get hard, it’s second-nature for some of us to drift away or seek space. In this space we re-center ourselves and think through our options. If big changes are on our horizons, we might process that. If our emotions are running at an all-time-high, we might need to take time to feel those things. Not all space is a bad thing. Not all partners pulling away means an ending.
Life moves fast, the good and the bad — whether we’re in a relationship or not. Falling in love with someone doesn’t stop the bad things from happening. So we have to learn to deal with hardship while within our relationships. Sometimes this tough stuff feels overwhelming and it can drive us to push or pull away from our partners and the lives we’ve built with them.
Dig deep. Get a solid grasp on your feelings and the reality that you’re both dealing with. Being a part of a strong relationship sometimes means giving one another the space you need to heal. A partner who is taking a time-out to focus on their own issues isn’t a partner who’s calling for an end. Embrace one another and find enough confidence in yourselves and one another to trust the things you need to feel comfortable, confident, and secure.
Signs of a person who’s pushing you away.
Is your partner pushing you away? Have you noticed space where there once used to be togetherness? Whether they are shutting down, or withholding their affection from you — part of overcoming this growing divide is learning how to recognize the signs of a partner who’s drifting. Then, you can process your emotions and take action together in a way that works for you both.
Shutting down
Communication is such a core part of every relationship, but it goes right out of the window when we’re struggling to find our feet within the partnership. When we’re unable to keep in touch with a stable version of our own realities, it’s impossible to deal with anyone else’s. Heavy with pain, shutting each other out instead of talking things through or sharing your perspective, only works to push the other person away (and out of the relationship if things go far enough).
Refusing to listen
Has your partner stopped listening when you talk? Do they space out, or make excuses to leave the room whenever you try to open up or encourage more vulnerability? Refusing to listen is another way in which we shut people out or keep them at a distance when we’re feeling stressed or insecure. Change and growth is hard. Talking about our challenges can be even more difficult. Instead of facing up, some people
Little mistakes, big conflicts
Is your partner blowing things out of proportion? Do you notice that they’re making big issues out of small things? Or escalating conflicts that normally would not have mattered before? When little mistakes turn into big conflicts, you might be dealing with something more serious beneath the future. Perhaps your partner is pulling away, or trying to create more space for themselves by repelling you with their behavior.
Withholding affection
One of the most common signs of a partner pulling away is the withholding of affection. For many, affection is an important part of their love language, or the way in which they communicate love with their spouse or loved one. For a partner to pull away, it indicates a breakdown in this communication. Rather than express how they feel, they simply change their behavior toward you. It’s a passive-aggressive way to create space without having enough courage to express your needs.
One-sided intentions
Relationships don’t work when it’s all one-sided or all about only one of the partners. It’s a give-and-take. In order for our partnerships to thrive, we have to find the balance. When that balance gets thrown off, we can find ourselves simmering with anger and with resentment too. Getting stuck, always seeing to our partner’s delicate needs, we might lash out or otherwise find ourselves pulling away out of a sense of hurt — or even a sense of neglect.
Everything else first
Does everything else come first in your partner’s life? Do they put their family, their friends, and even their career over spending time with you? Or sitting down to work things out? A partner who wedges so many other people into your relationship is one who is trying to create distance. Take a note when you feel like you’re slipping into a backseat position to everyone (and everything) else in your partner’s life.
Continuous comparisons
Comparisons are rarely helpful, unless we earnestly use them as guidelines by which to loosely direct our own journey. When we hold ourselves (or our relationships) to them rigidly, we can find ourselves frustrated and seething with resentment and a sense of failure. Is your partner constantly comparing you to a previous partner? Do they compare your relationship as one they perceive to be “better”? This is a common tactic meant to drive you away without doing any direct and open communicating.
The best way to deal with someone pushing you away.
A partner who is pushing you away isn’t a partner who is gone. You can both come back together, but you first have to sweep your own porch and then commit to an honest conversation. Get your partner to open up, but be confident enough in yourself to give them the space they need (if they need it). Sometimes, all you can do is to be there for someone…and that’s enough.
1. Sweep your own porch
There’s a southern saying which follows the line of, “sweep your own porch.” This means that you should see to your own affairs before digging into the affairs of others and — to an extent — this applies to our romantic relationships too. When you perceive a partner to be pulling away, you’re bound to feel strong emotions. Before you approach them about solutions, you need to ensure that you have a strong hold on your own feelings and one foot squarely in reality.
Get clear on how you’re feeling and make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities and misunderstandings on to your partner. Are they really pushing you away? Or are you seeing distance because your personal history has taught you to expect and fear toxic space? Sweep your own porch before you demand someone else open up their home to you.
When you spend some time processing emotions, you can ease a lot of your own concerns and better see the approaches you want to take with your partner. Maybe they are someone who needs to sit down and talk things out. Maybe they are someone who just needs to be given some time on their own. Don’t focus on getting them involved until you know where your true value and involvement lie in the whole equation.
2. Ask them to open up
Having a clear grasp of your own emotions is only a first step. In order to get to the root of what’s going on, you’re going to have to get your partner to open up to you. You need to know what’s going on inside their heads, and you need to understand their perspective when it comes to pulling away or creating distance. Then, you can connect with compassion and find more effective ways to move forward together as a couple.
Find a safe time and space to sit down with your other half. Make sure you’re both in a comfortable time and make sure you choose a place where you can be totally uninterrupted. You need to come together when you’re calm and collected enough to open up.
Express how the newfound distance is feeling, but leave blaming language out of it. Try to approach them with empathy and express your desire to understand where they’re coming from in their life. Keep your talking to a minimum. Keep the narrative about your feelings to a minimum. Make this conversation about them opening up to you; make it about them sharing what’s actually important to them, or what’s going on in their emotional lives.
3. Be confident in your own space
Sometimes, there’s no amount of talking or hand-holding that can make things easier for our partners. We need to go through things on our own from time-to-time. We need to test our strength and gather our thoughts so that we can form an entirely new perspective. You have to be confident enough and comfortable enough in yourself to allow your partner to take this time and this space. This means letting your insecurities go, though.
If your partner has expressed a need to take some space to heal, give it to them. This doesn’t mean they’re going to wander off into the arms of someone else. It doesn’t mean they’re going to move out of the house and move on. We get overwhelmed occasionally. We need to recharge.
Know that your partner having some time to themselves doesn’t decrease their love for you. Detach their need to heal from your need to feel validated or secure in their love. You need to be confident enough in yourself that their space doesn’t detract from your sense of self-worth. Take a step back and take your ego out of it. If you were suffering, how would you want to be treated? Have enough respect for your partner to make space for their needs.
4. Tap into deeper compassion
Compassion is such a powerful thing in every facet of our lives. It allows us to perceive a deeper version of ourselves, but it also allows us to form deeper bonds with others. It’s a connectivity tool, and one that keeps us bonded over space and over time. Don’t approach your partner’s pain from a place of personal need. Instead, approach them with empathy in your heart and a desire to understand their suffering.
Fill the space between the two of you with unmovable love. See the humanity behind their journey and understand that your partner is a complex individual with a nuanced life outside of your partnership together.
Building a life with someone else isn’t easy, but when it’s blown apart by hardship or setbacks — things can become even more difficult to navigate. The only way to get through the biggest tests is to tap into the heart of your bottomless well of compassion. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine yourself dealing with their issues and their emotions. Then consider how you would feel if someone told you how to process and how to proceed with your life.
5. Be there and stay there
We tend to think of relationships as being filled with daily action, but that’s not necessarily true. It’s an ebb and flow. Sometimes, things are fast-paced and require us to jump in and get our hands dirty. In other moments, there is nothing more that we can do for our partners short of alert them to our unwavering presence. All you can do is to be there, sometimes, and offer your support in the event that it’s needed.
Stop trying to fix your partner’s problems for them. Stop forcing action and stop forcing yourself on them when what they need is time to gather their own thoughts. Offer them your solidarity. Let them know that you will support them no matter what and then step away.
We are the only ones who have the power to change our lives. We are the only ones who can save ourselves from the messes we make, and we are the only ones who can embrace the changes that arise from our growth. Let your partner figure out their mistakes and give them enough support (and respect) to back off. The best way to be there for someone, often, is just to offer support, give them our love, and then wait in the wings for their call.
Putting it all together…
Is your partner pulling away? Have they started putting up walls after suffering a major loss or a setback of some kind? Knowing the signs of growing distance is only a starting point. You need to take action and encourage your partner to open up, so you can both figure out the best way for you both to find peace and meaning in the space.
Figure out your emotions before you approach your partner. Are they really pulling away, or are you projecting your fears on to them? Know how you feel and where your reality is before you approach someone who is pulling away. Once you have some perspective on your feelings, you can reach out and encourage the other person to open up. Don’t take it personally if they refuse, though. Sometimes, we just need our own space to work things out. Pull your ego out of it and allow your partner to take the space they need. Offer them your support and let them know that you’re there for them no matter what. Tap into your deeper compassion and try to understand where they’re coming from. We’re all just doing the best we can. Take a breath and try accepting things as they are for once.
