What to Do if She’s Self-Conscious During Sex

How to help her build sexual confidence

About a year ago, my whole life changed.

I started walking around naked or half-undressed. If my husband caught a glimpse of me, it didn’t make me feel embarrassed.

I stopped having sex in total darkness. I always have candles lit, twinkle lights on, or even my desk lamp keeping things bright.

I fucked on top completely naked for the first time in years, riding my husband without being ashamed of what my body looks like.

I don’t cover up when we hang out after sex anymore. If I reach for a blanket it’s because I’m cold, not because I don’t want him to see me.

When I got new underwear, I didn’t just hold them up to show him how cute they were. I tried them on and lifted my dress so he could see how they looked on me.

I started taking a lot more nudes and hating them less. I stopped feeling the urge to delete them all.

I know that won’t sound impressive to most people, but I’m really proud of the fact that I can do all those things. Last year, I wouldn’t have done any of them.

I still keep my socks on during sex, but I used to always leave my shirt on, too.

Even though I was half-dressed, I insisted on turning all the lights off when we had sex. I even put off fooling around for fifteen minutes once because my laptop was installing an update before shutting down. The screen bathed the room in a soft blue light, which meant I was too visible to take any of my clothes off.

I chose all the sex positions that kept my husband from seeing too much of me instead of the ones that felt the best.

The roots of this run deep. I’ve been uncomfortable with myself for as long as I can remember. I like myself overall, but I’ve always felt deeply ashamed, especially when it comes to my body and my appearance.

I’ve always wanted to fuck like a pornstar, but there was one major obstacle. I couldn’t bear to be seen.

Having eyes on me made me feel shy. If I was naked, that shyness turned to profound embarrassment.

I couldn’t get over those feelings even though I knew they were ruining my sex life.

Having sex with someone who’s self-conscious kind of sucks. It can still be good sex, but it makes you feel limited. You can’t see everything you want to see. You can’t do everything you want to do. And your partner is so reserved you start worrying you’re not doing enough to turn her on and overcome her inhibitions.

Being the self-conscious one is even worse.

You can’t bring your sexual fantasies to life because a lot of them would involve you doing things that make you absolutely uncomfortable. The excitement you feel when you get naked with your partner is overpowered by how ugly and unattractive being naked makes you feel. And you feel guilty because you know you could give them a way better experience if you just got over yourself and fucked the way you truly wanted to fuck.

It took a lot of personal work for me to go from being a half-nevernude to where I am now. But I couldn’t have done it alone.

There’s a lot of really helpful advice out there for women who want to be less self-conscious during sex. That’s good and extremely useful. I wouldn’t be doing reverse cowgirl if it wasn’t for them.

But our partners can help tremendously.

Because, yes, it’s up to us to work on our own shit, deal with our hangups, and overcome our shame and embarrassment. But how our partners act toward us can make or break our sexual confidence.

If you’ve found yourself with a partner who is self-conscious during sex, she won’t be able to fix that overnight. But if you do these things, she’ll get there a lot sooner.

Give Her Plenty of Compliments

Compliments become less frequent once a relationship settles. That’s normal — the honeymoon period is over and you don’t feel the need to constantly remind them of how incredible they are.

The problem is when the compliments become rare.

That’s not great on anyone’s self-esteem, but it’s devastating for someone who’s already self-conscious.

I already felt unattractive. When my husband slowed down with the compliments, it made me think that he felt the same way about me.

After nearly ten years of marriage, we made it a point to start voicing our feelings more. The compliments came back, and that changed everything.

I knew my husband wanted to have sex with me. But when he gave me lots of reminders that he loves my body, I knew he thought I was sexy.

So, compliment the parts of her body that you love, the little things she does that make her so damn attractive, and the skills she has in the bedroom. Whatever it is that makes you want to fuck her, praise her for it and praise her often.

She might not always feel like she’s hot stuff, but you should never let her forget exactly why you’re into her.

Accept Her Reaction

When you start giving her compliments, there’s a good chance you won’t get the response you’re hoping for.

Self-conscious people are weird about compliments and we tend to react awkwardly when we get them.

Often, our instinct is to deflect the compliment by being self-deprecating. That can come across as unappreciative or even defensive.

When she reacts that way, it’s not because she doesn’t appreciate the compliment. It’s because it strikes her as strange in the moment. Hearing you saying something nice about her contradicts what she believes about herself.

Your compliment is up against all the negative self-talk she gives herself throughout the day. That’s why her knee-jerk response isn’t gratitude, it’s disbelief. When you say you love her plump stomach or her cute nose, her first thought isn’t “That’s so sweet!” it’s “That can’t be true, can it?”

The best thing you can do is just brush it off and move on. Don’t make a big deal out of her reaction.

When you do, it sends the message that your compliment wasn’t sincere. It makes it look like it was more about your ego than about being genuine with her.

When you just accept her reaction and move on, you make it clear that you said something nice just because you felt it. You weren’t looking for brownie points. You weren’t buttering her up to get something out of her. You weren’t fishing for a compliment in return. You were just voicing your thoughts out loud.

She’ll come around. Once she’s over her immediate reaction, she’ll realize how silly she was being. And if you keep it up long enough, she’ll even start believing the nice things you say about her.

Don’t Avoid the Things That Make Her Self-Conscious

I used to hate everything about my ass. There was too much of it. It wasn’t the right shape. It was soft instead of firm. And pants never seemed to hang on it right.

Then I went and married an ass man.

My husband was downright smitten with my backside. He wanted to worship my ass like it was his religion.

It played a big role in the way he had sex, too. He wanted to grope it, squeeze it, spank it, admire it, bury his face in it, eat it, and fuck it.

Meanwhile, I would’ve probably kept my pants on during sex if I could have figured out a way to do it.

Over time, he won me over. His love for my ass helped me see it in a different light. I started to see the little things that he probably notices. I started appreciating its softness because I saw how much he enjoyed grabbing a handful of it.

If there’s something you love about your partner that she’s especially embarrassed about, don’t ignore those things.

I know it feels like the polite thing to do. She hates her thighs, her voice, or her stomach, so you try not to call attention to those things.

That’s going to make things worse.

If she thinks her thighs are too thick or her tits hang too low, she’s going to assume you’re thinking the same thing. And when you don’t comment on them or you avoid touching them, she’ll take that as confirmation.

So, bring some positive attention to them. If her tits turn you on, tell her. If you want to kiss up and down her thighs before going down on her, do it.

Yes, it might make her feel a little self-conscious at first. But at least it will show her that you don’t agree with her negative self-image.

Believe me, if my husband could teach me to love my ass, you can teach her to love any part of herself.

Show Your Excitement

What you say about her and her body is absolutely important. But enthusiasm speaks louder than words.

When you undress her, do it with passion. If she’s taking her clothes off for you, show her how eager you are to see more of her skin.

You might want to play it cool and be the strong, sexy, silent type. But that just reads as uninterested.

And don’t hold back during sex. Be as vocal as you want to be.

Of all the things my husband did to help me build sexual confidence, this was the biggest one.

When he started moaning, groaning, and practically growling when we fucked, it made me feel incredibly sexy. And nothing makes me feel hotter than when he talks dirty to me.

It drives me wild, of course. But there’s also a primal honesty to it. His enthusiasm just feels so damn real. It can be hard for me to accept compliments, but I always feel like I’ve earned those grunts and growls.

Worship Her Body

Body worship is a specific kind of kink, but you can practice it even if you’re vanilla. And if your partner is self-conscious about her body, you definitely should.

You can focus on the part of her body you’re most crazy about or you can worship her from head to heel.

Use your hands and your mouth to make her feel your desire.

Undress her slowly and admire her with lingering, hungry looks.

Touch and caress her body like you mean it.

Kiss, lick, and drag your lips across her skin.

Shove your face into it and breathe her in.

Worshipping her body shows you that you don’t just want to have sex — you want her specifically. You’re touching her because you want to touch her, not just because you want to be touched in return. You’re showing her that her body can be provocative and can be desirable.

Be Sweet Around the Clock

Your goal is to help her be more comfortable during sex, but just being encouraging and enthusiastic when you’re getting dirty isn’t enough. You need to be sweet in other contexts, too.

Compliments are easy to dismiss if they’re only given when you’re horny. It’s the compliments that you give throughout the rest of the day that make it clear that you’re not just trying to be nice so you can get laid.

Plus, self-consciousness is extremely hard to overcome. If you only boost her when things get heated up, it will take a lot longer for her to see herself in the same positive light you see her in.

Unleash Her Sexiness

Self-conscious people are messed up.

I’m not saying that with any judgment — we’ve all been through something that made us this way. We either had an extremely hurtful experience or we’ve been subject to lots of slow, cumulative conditioning. Either way, it makes us do crazy things sometimes, like looking for signs that our partners aren’t into us.

We believe that we’re unsexy, unattractive, and unappealing. Our instinct is to look for confirmation of that.

That’s why the way our partners act toward us makes such a huge difference to how we feel about ourselves.

It’s not fun and it’s not an easy thing to manage, but it’s the reality we live with. And if you’re partnered up with someone who’s self-conscious about herself, it’s your reality too.

If she’s going to overcome it, she’ll have to do a lot of work on herself. But she shouldn’t have to do work on it alone.

Having you nudge her in the right direction is one of the most effective ways for her to embrace herself and her body. And that’s the first step to you unleashing the mindblowing sexiness you know she’s capable of.

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