The One Daily Habit That Will Improve Your Relationship

Most couples stop doing this

I don’t compliment my husband enough.

It’s not because he hasn’t earned it. It’s just a habit I’m working on.

When I first met him, the compliments came easily. We couldn’t stop saying nice things about each other.

After a while, they slowed down, which is normal.

But then they came to a complete stop. Which, sadly, is also normal.

It’s not because we stopped liking each other, got bored with our relationship, or started feeling resentful. We just got in a rut.

It happens so gradually and feels so natural that I don’t think most couples notice it.

During the honeymoon period, you can’t stop saying nice things because it feels like you’re giving new information. Saying “I can’t get enough of your laugh” or “You look so fucking hot when you roll up your sleeves” still feels fresh.

After a while, though, it starts to seem kind of silly.

At least, it did for me. I would notice something I loved about my husband but I wouldn’t bother telling him. He knew what I liked about him already, why waste his time by repeating it?

He knows I love the way he looks in his blue button-up shirt.

He knows I think he’s a sweet and caring guy.

He knows I think his beard is great and makes him look ten times better.

I stopped telling him those things because I figured he didn’t need a reminder. He’s aware that I have a thing for guys with nice beards — that’s not the kind of thing that changes overnight.

We still said “I love you,” of course. But it just wasn’t the same.

Other than that, we only bothered to compliment each other about the new things. If he bought new pants, I’d tell him if he looked great in them. I would compliment his fresh haircut but not his day-to-day appearance. I’d gush over the spontaneous surprises like buying me flowers but I would be quiet about the routine thoughtful things he did for me.

And it sucked. Not just because compliments are nice, but because it had a broader effect on us and our relationship.

Quieting the Compliments Dragged Us Down

Getting in a compliment rut made us start slipping in general.

For one thing, we let ourselves go a little too much.

It’s hard to keep making an effort when you don’t feel like it’s appreciated. Why would I bother spending half an hour doing my makeup and fussing with my hair when it doesn’t get a better reaction than just climbing out of bed and throwing on a robe?

My husband felt the same way. He found it discouraging to pull out all the stops and not get any acknowledgment for it.

So we stopped trying. And neither of us felt great about it. Feeling like you don’t have a reason to put yourself together is kind of depressing. And it’s hard to feel a lot of pride when you spend day after day not taking care of yourself or your appearance.

Losing the compliments messed up our sex life, too.

We were having sex less than once a month. There are lots of reasons for that, but rarely hearing a compliment definitely played a role.

I can’t get in the mood for sex if I don’t feel desirable. And it was hard to feel that way when I didn’t get a lot of indication that my husband still felt genuinely attracted to me.

When the compliments were rare, I felt like I was taken for granted. I always had to wonder whether my husband wanted to fuck because he wanted me — or because he just wanted sex and I happened to be his only chance at it.

It wasn’t a high point for either of us. And it was even worse because we each lost our biggest cheerleader.

Your partner is supposed to pump you up. They’re in the best position to remind you of all the things that make you special. When you’re having a shitty day, they can be the one person who still lifts you up.

When all that encouragement goes quiet, it’s a real hit to your self-esteem.

Get the Habit Back

When we realized what had happened and the way it was affecting us, Mr. Austin and I decided to make it a point to give each other more compliments.

We wouldn’t let a single day go by without giving at least one compliment — though preferably a lot more.

That’s a habit that every couple should have.

The risk with making it a habit, though, is that it can just become another routine.

Your compliments should still be sincere, not rehearsed. If you keep saying the same sweet things, word for word, they start to lose their punch.

It helps to be specific. Instead of just saying “you’re beautiful,” tell your partner why you think they’re beautiful. What’s the one thing that just caught your eye and made you want to say that? Changing it to “Your hips are so squeezable” or “I love the way you did your hair today” won’t feel as stale.

You can give the same compliment as long as you give it multiple ways. My husband loves my ass and he finds some way to let me know at least once a day. Sometimes, it’s a simple “Your ass is amazing.” Other times, it’s feeling me up in the kitchen while whispering “You know I can’t resist you when you wear tight pants.”

It doesn’t matter that it’s basically the same compliment and that I hear it every day. Because he switches up the way he does it, it never feels old.

You also can’t really go back to the way you complimented each other back when you first met. The kind of gushy, mushy compliments that made sense when you were flush with new relationship hormones would probably just feel weird at this point.

And there’s such a thing as overhyping your partner. Acting like you’re just fucking floored by the way she looks in her favorite dress, as if you haven’t seen it a hundred times, is a little much.

You might want to seem enthusiastic, but it will come across insincere.

The way you compliment things that are novel and exciting about your partner (like the first time she puts on that dress) shouldn’t sound the same as the compliments you give them every day.

Sweet Talk Your Sweetheart

Compliments have always been weird for me.

My mother used to force me to show gratitude to my father for things he hadn’t done. Basically, she wanted to give him the credit for things she did. Even when she bought me clothes with her earnings, she’d make sure I thanked my father for them.

I guess that was her way of keeping the peace with a difficult man, but it meant that I regularly had to say nice things to him that I didn’t mean.

When I did have genuine compliments to give him, he would question my motives. My father only said sweet things when he wanted something out of someone, so every compliment he received made him suspicious.

I learned early and often that compliments are easy to fake and that not everyone takes them well. Because of that, it’s not always easy for me to give them.

I think a lot of great thoughts about my husband, but it doesn’t always occur to me to say them out loud. But I know how important it is, so I’m making an effort.

Sincere, genuine compliments never get old. No one gets tired of hearing how cute they are, how smart and creative they are, or that they’re kind and supportive.

It’s easy to lose the habit of pumping up your partner, but compliments are an important part of every happy, healthy relationship. It’s what keeps you from feeling like your partner is just a little too used to you. It’s what reminds you that they didn’t settle — they chose you and keep choosing you.

Plus, it makes your partner feel special. And that’s all the reason you really need to praise their cute butt and praise it every day.

So, speak from the heart. Speak honestly. But mostly, just speak. Because keeping it to yourself isn’t doing either of you a favor.

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