What Perfect Sex Feels Like

And how many hours and days can we keep orgasming?

This is what I wrote in my diary after a week of perfect sex:

“It felt like a million meteors are falling from the sky and they turn into fairies when they land on Earth.”

and then each fairy…

“waves their wands in the deepest of my desire and iridescent rays radiate in all directions from my vagina and spread back all the way to the universe.”

The universe, my partner and I become one.

And I recall this verse from the Bible:

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” — Mark 10:9

This is what sacred sex feels like.

I’m a sex anthropologist

To examine what perfect sex feels like, one ought to have sex with a number of people in different capacities to be able to compare. As a social anthropologist, I have done my own share of participant observations…

The most important thing is to know that there’s really no right or wrong about what kind of sex we have at any given time. We almost always have needs and we might not have met that “soul mate” that will give us mindblowing sex and connection at the same time.

When sex is lustful

When we have purely lustful sex, be it one-night stands, friends with benefits, or even the trending, meaningless label of “short term relationship”, we are on one end of the spectrum of sex.

There’s no guilt, we don’t have to wait for the right person (unless you have a strong religious desire to do so, or maybe you are naturally conservative), we can all have sex.

This type of sex is driven purely by our libido. It really doesn’t matter who that other person is, as long as that person appears at the right time when we are horny. Then no matter how good or bad they are, we will come.

That’s far too convenient. From my fieldwork (including interviewing others), it is hard for this to happen.

Typically we swipe on Tinder on a lonely Wednesday night when we are horny, chat to some person we have matched, then agree to a date on Saturday. By then, we would have masturbated and forgotten about that date. Then we ghost.

This is literally modern-day erotica, our needs have to be satisfied very instantly, including our sexual needs.

So if you are feeling purely lustful, just masturbate. It’s easy, instant, free and we can do it alone. I wrote about it before, the power of a 4-hour orgasm for women:

When sex is mechanical

Was the sex good?

This is a common topic among girlfriends over bottomless brunches. It’s amazing to see that it is finally acceptable for women to dress up hot and beautiful and talk about their satisfaction over poison.

This freedom must not be taken for granted.

Usually, the context of this conversation starts from a single and available woman going on dates that have led to sex. The date could be casual or serious.

There’s an element of analysis in this question. How’s the person’s physique? Do they use their tools well? Were they compatible? Please note that it applies to both men and women, it’s just that the only people who will talk about this question are mostly gay men and straight women (and I believe this will change as we become more fluid, which is great).

Mechanical sex is bang on in the middle of the spectrum of sex. To the extent we are able to remain rational to analyse someone’s ability to use their tools, we most likely haven’t reached the level of extreme orgasm we wished, and we were probably not the horniest that night.

The pressure of dates is real, it really extinguishes our desire. And if, as I have personally experienced, a kind of euphoric, sacred, God-like level of perfect sex, then it’s obvious that mechanical sex, is pretty damn sub-par.

My advice here is to evaluate if this person you are seeing is really worth seeing. There are more than sex in a relationship, and yes. Sex, like everything else, can improve over time.

So if they are someone you really like and you are compatible in so many ways, improving mechanical sex might be a good idea. The key is not to improve mechanical sex with more analysis, but to create magical moments (akin to lustful sex above) that add biochemistry to physics.

Also, have the consciousness that it might never get very good. I’m sorry, especially considering you are reading this article, maybe you want sex that brings you to outer space as well.

The perfect sex

In Ang Lee’s movie Brokeback Mountain, there’s a scene where Heath Ledger reunited with Jake Gyllenhaal after they left their shepherd work and got married respectively to some women.

The starting point of perfect sex is that we don’t even need to be horny to get horny. A simple thought of that other person will turn the fire in us, and when we finally get to see them, it just becomes blazing hot, straight away.

It’s like eternal fire.

No Tinder date can ever ignite something that deep in us. It takes a serious connection of some sort and based on my recent experience, I think this has to do with time.

The mechanical of sex has no place in the realm of perfect sex neither. It just doesn’t matter. Using Brokeback Mountain as an example, neither of them had experience in gay sex before, it just doesn’t matter. Also the size of the dick, fat, thin, wetness, almost none of these matter.

The depth of connection between two people could be instant or could build up over time as friends, colleagues, or even enemies. There are a lot of spiritual chats over how two people can have instant connections, such as twin flames and stuff, but let’s focus on the fact that it is very, very deep.

Sex can be mechanical or lustful, it can be even purely for reproduction. But the notion of euphoric, deep and perfect sex, it’s nothing but sacred. It’s the kind of communication between two people that goes beyond words, function and reason.

We won’t remember what exactly happened, maybe snippets of it, flashing back as we recall it with a smile afterwards. The orgasm is constant, it’s not a point when one has come. This level of orgasm is like when you are transported back to the universe and just break yourself into million pieces and melt into God’s presence. You are part of God.

I can’t lie about it, you’d be lucky if you find this person.

The depth of connection

Without turning this into a self-help article, here’s how you cultivate the depth of connection. I will list out a few points which I think has led me to the euphoric sex I had with my best friend.

• We’ve learned to love ourselves: If we don’t, the sex will be purely lustful and mechanical. To connect with another person at this level, usually, we have to first have a deep, clear, and positive (re-)connection with ourselves. So spend more time on us first, conquer the self-consciousness, insecurities, and fear in you. Be vulnerable.
• Don’t look for it: As much as I love Matthew Hussey the dating guru, I think his knowledge of psychology and communication can definitely get us a date and a relationship, but it will block us from getting a euphoric connection. This level of depth accepts all flaws, insecurities, and incompetencies in dating techniques and communication. Because it is beyond physical. Don’t get smart and strategic about it, let it happens.
• Align with timing, not mastering it: I think we can beat time, but not timing. Sometimes it takes time for two people to happen even though one might have secretly loved another person since day 1. The best timing is when we don’t force it. Read this:

• Masturbate more with mindfulness: Not only it helps with our lust, but it also helps us to become less performative in sex. Especially with women, we have a history of being conditioned to please men. You have to know what makes you happy, and sex is mutual, not a stage play. Masturbation, rather than having mediocre sex with the wrong people, help us to remain optimistic about sex as well.
• Manifest this to happen: Manifestation is not a technique of the New Age. You don’t need crystals, tarot cards, or frankincense. It simply goes like this (and if you don’t believe me, hear it from Oprah): visualise what you want, mark this as your intention on your journal, close the book and forget about it. It’s a matter of trust your vision, keep a good intention, and let it go.

How long did I come?

I will end this article and confirm that I have been in some state of orgasm throughout the week we spent together. It was only supposed to be there for two days, and then it became a week.

It doesn’t mean I was constantly coming, I don't think that’s possible. But it’s the state of being, I was completely elevated. It’s a different world. If you have taken any form of psychedelic drugs, I think it’s akin to that.

I didn’t take drugs, I promise.

The sunset radiated colours I’ve never seen before, the naked girls in old paintings were dancing in front of me, I became as light as the ruffles in this painting (I literally deliberately went to Tate Britain in London to see its original in order to confirm my feelings):

I’m not here to convince you of the possibility of mind-blowing perfect sex. But I hope that you can have some faith in happiness, in the sacredness of sex. After all, it was a book of wisdom in ancient Hinduism, as well as in the Bible (The Song of Songs), and many other ancient texts.

We have ignored the sacredness of sexual connection for a long time, and seeing where the discourse of sex is going — full of power struggle and politics — I wish to advocate for a much more positive experience.

A sort of feminist strength that can be manifested by men and women alike.

And back to the basics, the orgasm was simply speechless.

Hi, I am Midori by the Sea and I write about empowerment through work, sex, and sustainable life. You can buy me a coffee here! A selection of my relevant articles is below: