animals minerals and fucking vegans
What Not to Feed a Vegetarian
Keep your dinner parties and friendships intact
Vegetarians are a fickle bunch. As one myself, I know how selfish, preachy and arrogant we truly are. Try and offer a vegetarian something to eat and they will lecture you on the ethics of cocoa farming and deforestation and all you want to do is shove the mars bar right up their clacker but you can’t on account of the huge pole that resides there.
You need a drink to relieve your escalating stress levels, so pour them a glass of wine only to find out it’s apparently full of fucking fish bladders and free Willy’s last breath.
What do you do? It’s still illegal to kill vegetarians (pending trigger laws in some states). And a little rude not to feed them when they’re skinnier than a strung out string bean.
To help you narrow down the array of options, here are some common foods acceptable in most venues except a vegetarian’s face.
Steak
As humorous and fresh as the line ‘here, want some steak, oh wait, that’s from a recently deceased cow’ is, you must remember vegetarians are biologically unable to smile. Instead, they will glare at the succulent sirloin with enough anger to untenderise the meat before you can steal it back off their plate. Try and eat it now. Like eating tough titties, brah.
Sausage rolls
Your claim that it is 100% meat free is quite true. The reason vegetarians will refuse to eat your sausage roll is due to the high proportion of sawdust used to bind the other unknown ingredients together. We hate sawdust on account of the logging industry and because our high school woodwork teacher called us pansy-arsed dweebs.
Zucchini
You panicked when you got the text about Blakely coming over too, didn’t you? You grabbed the closest green item to hand — conveniently located in your bedside table — wiped it off and wacked it in a saucepan. True story, I was once served 1/4 of a zucchini as my main course at a wedding. I’m six foot five and 100kg and my stomach is at least normal size too. Luckily there was unlimited beer soup and I managed to steal bread rolls from the oldies too slow or blind to stop me.
Fish
This is a tricky one. Some vegetarians do eat seafood, because sea creatures are a lot uglier than the ones on land and you can’t hear them scream while they’re dying. They call themselves pescatarians. Perhaps even more pesky, because if you serve them salmon they will want a statutory declaration that the fish was sustainably sourced and the fisherman or woman who caught it was paid above the minimum wage.
Oysters
God, no! You want to restart the greatest vegan debate of all time? Are oysters plant or animal?
Whatever plans you had for the night ahead will deteriorate quicker than your dinner guest’s iron levels.
Iron tablets
You’re funny, aren’t you? And a bit of an arsehole. Turns out you’re still wrong, even some iron tablets are made from animals.
Prepare for another long rant on how animal exploitation and big pharma have been fuck buddies ever since Johnson married his cousin and decided burning rabbits was a cool way to make a living.
Human flesh
Crazy as it sounds, some vegetarians actually consider this to be the only ethical way to eat meat.
Now, this isn’t an excuse to get all Hannibal Lector on us. If you expect the vegetarian at the dinner table to join you in carnivorous celebration, the hunk of Hank has to be ‘ethically produced.’ Unless you’re also a mad scientist who grows juicy gluteus maximus’s in a test tube, the only way to ethically obtain it is by grave digging.
In this case, fresh is definitely best. I suggest stalking afternoon funerals and waiting till the mourners depart. As they do, subtlety ask them if the deceased ate free range organic foods exclusively, and which brand of embalming fluid was used. And for the love of secularism, make sure they weren’t a Republican voter!
Once night has fallen, dig up your midnight feast. You may need a second person to help you transport the goods home or distract cemetery security.
The cooking method is up to the individual. Serving tartare or carpaccio will reduce the greenhouse gas effects of oven or BBQ based methods, but may increase the risk of gastrointestinal upset . Just like when feeding vegetables to kids, disguising certain parts of the body amongst more attractive food groups may help with fussy dinner guests.
So, what should you feed a vegetarian? Air and water are the only true ethical foods, and even water’s borderline these days. Good luck!
If this article didn’t cause you to unfollow me yet, I have more dietary advice:
Want some great recipes both flesh and non-flesh based? Karen L. Sullivan has you covered:
Tagging the other friendly non-meat-eaters I know on Medium, PJ Kaplan and Michele Maize (The Sober Vegan Yogi). Please let me know, what is the strangest food you have been served as a vegetarian/vegan?