Bite me

Unleash the Microbe Diet to Turn Back Your Clock

Do you want to grow old forever?

Fad diets are all the craze. Low fat diet. Low sugar diet. Low batteries in your clock diet (aka intermittent fasting). I can hear what you’re thinking. Microbe Diet? Like, the meal portions are microscopic? Wrong. What if I told you that on the Microbe Diet you could degust all day and all night? You can, and you won’t be chugging down snake oil. Let me explain. One of the most popular diets today is the Paleo diet. Thepaleodiet.com describes it as ‘a way of eating that mimics the diet of our ancestral past.’ This is a great example of a good idea not taken far enough. Like the bidet. Cavemen and women did indeed have quite healthy meal plans. They avoided trans fats, refrained from unlimited soft drink refills, and only shopped the outer aisles of forest mart. As you can below, stegosaurus steaks and goji berry au jus every night does wonders for your beach bod.

But here’s the problem. Your average Palaeolithic person only lived for 22–33 years. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Want to know what true longevity looks like?

Microbes first appeared on earth 3.7 billion years ago.

They are still alive.

What’s the secret to their success? Aside from their teams of talented doctors and super positive attitudes? Their diet. Here are some of the oldest microbes and their go to healthy recipes. Bacteria.

Bacteria love to eat raw chicken, milk left in the sun for three days, infected placenta and regurgitated fascism. If you don’t have any of these ingredients at home, just lick the floor of your nearest fast food restaurant. Archaea.

These little champs are similar to bacteria but a lot nicer (they don’t cause disease) and a lot more introverted (often live way out from the city in places like extreme salt lakes or Wollongong). They love to eat metals and inorganic toxic shit. Right-wing politicians will do in a pinch. Viruses.

Everyone knows and loves them. Influenza. Smallpox. Rabies. What’s the common denominator? They attack and feed from the living. Now I’m not saying you have to become an actual zombie, but taking a little nibble from your Labrador every now and then would do wonders for your gut health.

Fungi.

Yes, your humble shrooms are microbes to. A steady diet of soil, leaf litter and desiccated plants keeps their mushy hearts beating. If you don’t have access to a forest floor, a bowl or two from your neighbours compost bin each morning should do. Fungi also exist in throats, skin and genitals in the form of infection. Mmmn, jock itch jam and yeast burrito. The breakfast of champions. There you have it. Want to keep the fires of self-loathing, disgust and shame burning for billions of years longer? If you can avoid police detection and the derision of your friends and family long enough, you will.