What No One Tells You About Leaving an Abusive Relationship

You’ll have to leave behind your salt shaker.

No one willingly chooses to get into an abusive relationship.

You fall in love with someone, and everything seems to be going great but, little by little, the dynamic begins to change until, one day, you realize you are afraid of your partner and his reactions.

You go through several stages. First, you think you can fix it. Maybe if you changed, he would stop being so cruel. Later, after he has promised the situation will improve, you assume you just have to be patient.

However, in most cases, the only permanent solution is to leave for good. Still, walking out that door is not such a straightforward move as Hollywood will have you believe. There’s no instant, “and she lived happily ever after.” Instead, the long process of healing has only just begun.

Here are a few of the things no one tells you about walking away from an abusive relationship.

You will have to leave behind your salt shaker.

In some situations, your partner is the one who will have to move out. In others, as it was for me, you will be the one to leave.

In my case, I had to do it very suddenly, so at first, I didn’t have much of a chance to grab anything except for important papers and some clothes.

Therefore, when I looked around, I suddenly realized I didn’t have a bed, covers, pillow… Heck, I didn’t have a bedroom nor a kitchen, which meant I didn’t have my pans nor my salt shaker — a stupid thing to worry about, I know, but that’s where my mind went. Everything I had worked for during almost 20 years…it all stayed behind.

For a moment there, I was homeless.

Luckily, I got help and a safe place to stay for a few days. Lots of people don’t get that. Even better, as time has gone by, I have been able to recover some items. Still, I will never forget the feeling of not knowing exactly where I would spend the night.

You will get help from the most unexpected sources.

I stayed in that relationship for many years. Too many. The number one reason for it was not knowing where I would go or how I would handle the financial aspects of the whole endeavor.

Still, once it all happened, I got support from friends and my estranged family. It took me completely by surprise.

All of this time, I had assumed I was alone, with no one to go to for help. And yet, even though everything happened so abruptly, I had lots of support. So, as it turned out, I wasn’t as lonely as I thought I was.

Sometimes, you can’t go “no contact.”

When you manage to escape, most likely, you’ll have no desire to see your ex-partner ever again. However, maybe you share a business, debt, or, yes, a child.

Going full “no contact” might be impossible.

Hopefully, your ex proves he can be a grown-up and behaves in a decent manner. Still, the sad truth is they might use any opportunity to make nasty comments or try to pry into your life.

If that’s the case, check if a friend or family member can handle those businesses for you, or at least be by your side when you really have no choice but to talk to your ex. Just because you have to speak to them doesn’t mean you have to do it alone.

Your ex might not accept it’s over.

“I won’t tell anybody you left,” my ex said during the first weeks after our relationship ended.

For a full month, when he talked to the neighbors, the few friends he has, and even his older son, he would mention me as if we still were a couple. He explained that, as long as I didn’t have a new partner, there was still hope for us.

Yes…it is as creepy as it sounds.

So, in his mind, as long as I’m not taken, I can still be “his.” Plus, every few days, he sends me a message asking whether or not I remain single. I have explained how intrusive this behavior is and asked him to stop. He complies for a few days and then goes back at it.

When will he accept we are done? I have no idea, but this disturbing behavior sure doesn’t make the healing process any easier. However, since he recently told his older son that I left, I’ll count it as progress.

No matter what, some people will want you to be ashamed.

There are some very nosy people out there and, worst of all, they can be very judgemental. They will have strong opinions about what you did.

First, they’ll want you to feel ashamed because you started the relationship. “How come you didn’t see the red flags? What were you thinking?” Others will question you for staying for so long, “ You are so weak! I would have been out of there immediately!”

And then, there will be those who think you shouldn’t have left. “You only think of yourself. You are probably a narcissist. Why didn’t you try harder? You should think of your son….”

Luckily, in all three situations, the solution is the same: ignore them and move on. Do not stop to argue with them; there’s no way you can trigger their empathy.

You will go from happiness to regret.

There will be two contradictory phrases in your mind, and you will bounce from one to the other:

• Why didn’t I do this sooner?
• What have I done?

On the one side, now you can see it is possible to be free from fear. You truly can start the process of claiming your life for yourself. However, you will wonder whether or not you can “make it.” Plus, if you have children and they are struggling to understand what happened since, obviously, their world has been disrupted, you might doubt the validity of your reasons for ending the relationship.

The thing is, you will obviously be afraid. After all, you have just made a life-changing decision. Everything feels different, and you are testing your new environment. So hold tight and, if necessary, ask for professional help. You don’t have to be alone while healing from the abuse you experienced for so long.

The world won’t stop for you.

Yes, you might be trying to get your shit together, but the world won’t stop for you to give you time to figure the whole thing out. This means you still have to work, take care of your child — and yourself — , cook, take showers…all that jazz.

Turns out, you cannot take a leave of absence from being an adult, even if you want nothing but to stay under the covers all day. However, this might actually be a good thing because otherwise, you would spend all day going down a rabbit hole of sadness.

So, yes, try to find a few moments to chill and cry, but then get to work. To keep going toward your new life will help improve your mental health.

In the end, it’ll take you a while to find out what “normal” means.

Here’s the thing: life won’t magically be ‘okay.’ You’ll find yourself crying, asking yourself whether or not you did the right thing. Of course, you did, but at moments it doesn’t feel that way.

You don’t want to dwell on the past, but you need to embrace the learnings. You understand the importance of forgiving but have to be careful not to confuse it with forgetting.

It’s okay to take your time, as long as you don’t remain static in your pain and confusion. Ask for help if needed, and try not to go back into isolation. Believe it or not, the worst part is over. Now you can get busy with learning what normal feels and looks like for you.