I Left an Abusive Relationship, and Now My Son Hates Me
Through the years, my son learned from us what a relationship looks like…even if it was a pathological one
“I hate you because of what you did,” my 12-year-old son spat at me, tears in his eyes. He was angry, frustrated, and determined to make sure I understood how furious he was at me.
Oh, and what did I do? Well, I left his father because I couldn’t stand being in an abusive relationship anymore.
The Reason To Stay
I had been trying for years to get away. Most of the time, I didn’t dare go ahead with it because of my limited financial resources. Others, the timing seemed terrible, like when my ex — it stills feel weird to type that — was diagnosed with cancer, and it felt like he was about to die.
But my number one reason for staying was a paralyzing fear. It just looked like an unattainable task. Part of me was certain I would forever be trapped in that house at the mercy of my ex-partner’s moods.
Still, the day came when I became more afraid of what would happen if I stayed than what would occur to me if I dared leave.
The Day I Left
It wasn’t pretty. The police were involved; of all people, my estranged father helped me move some of my stuff in his pickup truck, and off we went, my son and I, to try to start anew.
For the first few weeks, everything seemed to be going fine. My son was taking the whole of the situation quite well, and he was getting the chance to spend time with his grandparents, aunts, and cousins, something he hadn’t really been able to do before. I even, through careful negotiations, managed to arrange a schedule with my ex, so he and my son can be together on the weekends.
Everything looked swell, all things considered.
However, about a month after we left, and while we were in the middle of doing his homework, my son burst out in tears and explained how he wasn’t happy with the situation.
That’s when he threw the “H” word at me.
A Shattered World
Having your son say, “I hate you,” is not easy. Watching as tears roll down his cheeks as he explains how he wishes his father and I still were together is even worse — if that’s possible.
He is in pain and afraid. His whole world has been turned upside down. And I did that.
Sure, I had my reasons. Very powerful ones. Life in that house had become a living hell, not knowing when my ex would choose to scream at me or give me yet another one of his lectures to explain all of the reasons why I was the worst person on Earth. Not knowing when he would once again become blinded by jealousy. Not knowing when he would demand I had sex with him, even when I didn’t want to.
No…I had to leave. That is a fact.
But my son’s pain is real too. The life he had in that house was all the world he knew, and it has been shattered. For a child, that’s terrifying.
I guess that, when he assessed the situation, as he tried to understand exactly what transpired, he came to a conclusion: Mom did this.
This is what he learned from us.
And now I find myself in a tricky situation, sort of speak.
My son knows the relationship between his father and me was far from ideal. Even though we tried to hide it, he witnessed several arguments and watched me cry quite a few times. There was even the occasion when he was the one to ask my partner to please stop screaming at me.
And yet, he isn’t fully aware of the depth of the abuse, and I don’t want him to. It would be too horrible to share all of the details. I mean, honestly, how much should I tell my son, and when would be the best moment and strategy to do it? I struggle to even think about it. Plus, even when he watched me in pain, he would later see me bounce back. Perhaps he is wondering why can’t I do that this time around.
Through the years, my son learned from us what a relationship looks like…even if it was a pathological one. In his mind, a mother should withstand anything and everything out of love for her children. I taught him that.
He wants to gain back a sense of normalcy, and, right now, I can’t give him that, at least not in the way he is asking me for.
It hurts to hear those words from my child, but I won’t go back, especially because, as the weeks go by, I become more and more aware of all the little ways in which my partner subjugated and isolated me. Now there’s a certain distance, I can untangle the manipulative threads and claim ownership of my healing process.
But I cannot think just of myself.
I have more questions than answers.
The situation ahead is challenging, indeed. My son wants to stay in touch with his father and the home he knows so well and, now he has gotten to know the rest of his family, also craves their company. How do I support him through this while, at the same time, recovering from the damage of the relationship I just escaped from?
I know that, as mothers, we feel the responsibility to have all of the answers for our children’s predicaments. However, this time around, I admit I’m not sure of what path to follow. At the moment, I’m full of questions myself, still finding my footing. That’s why I am seeking professional help to aid me in making decisions in this regard since, for the first time in years, I am free to look for the support I need.
It won’t be easy. I have lots of processing to do: the end of an almost 20-year old relationship, recovering from the abuse I suffered, embracing my responsibility for the bad choices I made in the past, and finding out who I am now. And, caught in the midst of it all, there’s my child.
He is innocent. He holds no blame for everything that happened between my ex and me, and yet, he is the one under the most stress. My only hope is, as I forge my path ahead, I make the best choices to be the mom he needs.