Leaving an Abusive Relationship Is Not a Matter of Courage

We hurt victims by saying otherwise

When people hear about women in abusive relationships, many don’t know how to react. It is definitively an “uncomfortable” topic. Most of them try to provide useful advice with the best of intentions. However, many times, this guidance can be summarized in, “You can do it! Just leave!”

Although there is a strong psychological component as to why a woman stays with an abusive partner, I have come to realize — from personal experience I wish I didn’t have — there’s much more to that.

We have this romantic idea of a woman who says, “Enough!” and turns around and out of the house, into the sunset, as her now former abuser stares in disbelief.

That’s not how things work.

Instead, escaping an abusive relationship includes a string of practical issues that are most definitively not romantic at all.

It’s a matter of money.

Leaving a partner can be extremely expensive.

If you have friends or family to rely on, this could lessen your burden a bit, but that’s not always the case.

Not only will you need a place to stay, but since you’ll have to travel light, you’ll likely need to leave behind plenty of items you’ll later need to buy again.

It can be something as basic as a bed and a stove, or even a computer so you can keep working. Besides, you’ll probably require a safe location, one with strong doors and good neighbors.

That won’t be cheap.

So, yes, a woman who needs to get away from her abuser has to carefully plan how she will be able to afford it. On top of it all, she has to do it in such a way that her partner won’t realize what she’s up to.

In some countries, there are organizations that help women plan how to do this; it is my hope this kind of effort soon becomes common practice worldwide to make it easier for women to escape this kind of situation safely.

It’s about childcare.

To escape your abuser, you’ll have to transform your life.

You’ll want to move as far away as possible, perhaps even to another city. If you have children, you’ll have to think about the legal implications of this.

Some women stay with a violent partner because they know their children will be weaponized against them. For some, this can become an “if you leave, you lose your children” kind of situation.

In other cases, they’ll have to consider what they’ll do about childcare while they are at work…a service that can take in a whole other meaning when the other parent constantly threatens with kidnapping or even causing physical damage.

I don’t expect lots of people to understand this but, for many women, the fear of losing their children is strong enough to keep them chained to someone who is hurting them.

Therefore, providing affordable and safe childcare could go a long way to help victims of domestic abuse.

It’s a matter of not wanting to die.

The most dangerous moment for a woman who wants to escape an abusive relationship is…when she leaves.

For example, in Canada, “77 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation, and there is a 75 percent increase of violence upon separation for at least two years.”

So, yes, one of the reasons a woman stays is a survival instinct. She knows female empowerment quotes won’t protect her from someone who thinks they can control whether she leaves or stay…or whether she lives or dies.

Sadly, law enforcement doesn’t always do a great job at protecting victims, many times taking these incidents as “lovers’ quarrels” when, in reality, we have a victim-perpetrator dynamic at hand.

But she has to leave.

It is obviously not healthy to stay in an abusive relationship. However, although it is important to provide counseling to help victims break with toxic patterns, it is also true this means very little if we are not also helping build a safe environment.

To keep on claiming that staying with a violent partner means the victim lacks courage is, frankly, too naive. Yes, she might be afraid and experiencing crippling self-doubt, but, above all, she either doesn’t have the means to leave, doesn’t want to risk her children, or she simply doesn’t want to die.

I believe it’s beyond time we stopped giving mystical advice such as, “Be strong!” and, instead, took practical steps toward a society in which, first of all, some men stop thinking their partner’s life belongs to them.

And second, we have to build the necessary conditions so, when a victim decides to take the leap, she doesn’t fall into a dark-lonely abyss in which she will find herself completely alone and unprotected.

Are we courageous enough for that?