What I Want From Me

The most important person in the equation of my life

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy

I have written in the past about the people in my life who have done me wrong. They have been selfish, unconsidered, and have hurt me deeply. I have also spent quite some time thinking about what I would like in a partner. It appears as if I have lots of ideas about what other people should do.

Lately, I’ve been doing some thinking and understood that, yes, it is okay to have clear boundaries and to know what I want from others, but it would be childish to ignore the most important person in the equation of my life:

Me.

I know I have been a mess. And that’s probably okay, because that’s what I needed at the moment or, perhaps, it was the only thing I had in me to give. But I do need to get my shit together. And this is what I expect from me in the process.

To be courageous

As I mentioned, there are people in my life who do nothing but take from me. They take away my time — the most irreplaceable of resources — they chip away at my self-esteem, they feel threatened whenever I attempt to change things. They want me to stay the same forever because it is convenient for them.

Why have I put up with these people?

I realize it is because I want to be considered a nice girl. I have tried to fit into the good daughter, good wife, good mother trifecta. Nothing wrong with wanting to get along with the people in my life…except when it is not reciprocal.

Some of the individuals in my life do nothing but to say and do hurtful things or engage in passive-aggressive talk — which is just another way of being nasty. I have tried to be nice, which only benefits these vampires.

The taking never ends. They always need a bit more. They won’t change, even though they know how hurtful their behavior is.

To keep asking anything from them is a fruitless endeavor. Instead, it is up to me to stop believing they will miraculously see the light and do what’s best. It is up to me to grow up and get away from them.

I will not lie to you. The sole idea is terrifying.

In some cases, this will bring tough conversations. In others, it will imply that some people will forever look at me as a bad person…a selfish woman. And there’s one instance in which I frankly fear for my safety. However, if I do nothing, then I will live in a permanent state of dread.

Which brings me to the next item on the list.

To play smarter

For the most part, I tend to do things based on intuition, which is fine. I should learn to trust my gut. However, I should also get better at planning. I need to set up strategies to have more control over the outcome of my efforts and protect myself.

I need to get better at what I do instead of whining because I don’t get the results I’m looking for. It is cathartic to do that from time to time, but it is also highly unproductive.

In other words, to change my life, I must play smarter.

To be consistent

A few years ago, I was overweight. In fact, I was overweight for most of my life and suffered severe consequences in my health because of it. About three years ago, I decided to change that and made very specific changes in the way I ate and exercised. Eventually, I got the results I wanted.

I was surprised at how simple it was. Note: not easy, but, yeah, once I understood what I had to do and committed to it, it became simpler.

I need to apply a similar mindset to many of the challenges I face, both in my professional and personal life. They are not easy to face, but, for the most part, they could be pretty straightforward.

What has made them so complicated? Once again, me.

I get in my own way. I self sabotage and overcomplicate things. Instead, I must find out what I need to do, get educated on it, develop a strategy (see above) and be consistent, day after day, until I see the results I want. Reevaluate every so often and tweak my tactics if necessary.

Easier said than done, I know. Still, it is actually quite simple.

To welcome happiness

I want to allow myself to be happy. Joy is a foreign concept to me. For so long, it has been this thing that happens to other people, not something I can work on.

To spend most of my life in sadness or, worse, in a permanently numb state would be such a waste.

Happiness is not this elusive creature that hides from me nor does it depend on me finding the right person to give it to me. Happiness will be there if only I learn to let her in me, if I get out of my own way, and if I tear down the walls I built to keep the pain away.

Here’s the problem with walls: they keep everything away, not just sorrow. If I find someone to share this happiness with, even better. If not, I cannot let it become another barrier.

From me to me

This is what I want. It seems to me I should allow in my life only people who can understand this and support me while telling me the truth and not just what they think I want to hear.

For so long, I made an effort to make sure others were comfortable and at ease. I was the host, sometimes willingly, other times involuntarily. It was important to make sure the people around me reached their potential, felt safe and experienced joy.

Yeah, everyone was important, except the woman in the mirror. I left her down so many times. But now I know what I want from her.

And something tells me she will deliver.