The Nasty Habit of Pleasing People Who Hurt Us
Within a healthy relationship, there are limits to what we can ask of someone else
We tell ourselves we are trying to be good people. We are compassionate and patient. And yes, those are great qualities, and we should aim to treat our fellow humans as kindly as possible.
However, it is also possible, from time to time, to overdo it. We silently listen to passive-aggressive comments. We have people walk all over our boundaries. We endure unnecessary pain.
We do all of that and much more. Heck, some of us even risk our lives.
Mind your boundaries
We tell ourselves it is out of friendship or love because we care about the people around us and want to see them happy. There is a bit of truth to that, isn’t it? After all, doesn’t love require some compromises? Aren’t we supposed to make an effort for our loved ones?
Yes, we are.
Still, within a healthy relationship, there are limits to what we can ask of someone else. When someone repeatedly goes over those boundaries and keeps going at it even after we tell them their actions are hurtful, then we have a problem.
The situation grows worse when we mistakenly believe that the more we sacrifice, the more likely our loved one will change. “One day, they will see the light and be good to me.”
I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. They will just keep on taking.
When is it too much?
It is normal if our spouse, partner, friend, or even a relative, asks something of us. It might be a favor or something they need to borrow, and we agree because we want to see them happy. Or maybe there’s something they want us to stop doing because it brings them pain, causing us to drop everything so they’ll be comfortable.
It could also be that they are the ones that engage in certain behavior that disturbs us, but we say nothing because we know they enjoy this particular activity. After all, we love them. What is a small sacrifice if this means they will smile?
Up to a certain limit, all of that is perfectly normal. However, it might come to a point in which it becomes unhealthy. There will be some signs.
We are sad and unsatisfied
Few things are more gratifying than doing something for someone we love. At least if we do it because it comes from deep within all heart. However, if our motivation is fear of retaliation, if all we are trying to do is to tame the beast, then all of our compromises will let us feeling empty.
For example, on one occasion, I let the opportunity of a promotion pass because my partner pointed out how that would affect our family dynamics. In hindsight, I can see he was uncomfortable because he would have to step up and be more involved with household chores and childcare.
I gave up that opportunity because, as our discussion escalated, I saw his anger. He was screaming at me, his hands in fists. He kept telling me how much our child would suffer because I wouldn’t be there for him.
In the end, I backed out of that promotion out of fear and maternal guilt. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I been more courageous. Maybe I would have a better job…and maybe I would have woken up to the fact I was in an abusive relationship way sooner than I did.
That should have been my first sign: making that decision left me sad and unsatisfied.
There is no reciprocity
We find ourselves doing a lot for the other person. We are always the ones calling them, texting them, or aligning the stars so we can get to talk. We are making lots of sacrifices for them. We make all of the effort to keep the relationship — any kind of relationship — alive.
They are passive “participants.”
Some of our friends might indeed have super busy jobs. Or maybe our partner is currently involved in a mega project that requires all of their attention and they need our help. Or our brother just had a baby and can’t be there for us like he used to. All of that is understandable.
But, when their passivity becomes the norm, when they assign us with the job of making them happy even if they don’t give a rat ass about our level of comfort…then something is clearly off.
Here is a fun fact: when you stop doing that job, after a few days, those people will go ballistic and ask you what’s wrong. Don’t you care about me anymore? They will be happy to point out how you have stopped showing your love.
That’s right! It is all your fault now.
On the other hand, there have been people in my life who, despite being very busy, when we got to talk or be together, they would be there 100%. They would also make an effort to be in touch or check in with me regarding my comfort and happiness. In other words, they made an effort to reciprocate my affection to the best of their abilities and even beyond.
Our physical and mental well-being is in jeopardy
It is even possible that our life is at risk. I learned this lesson the hard way when I stupidly got in a car with a drunken boyfriend. And it was all because I wanted to prove I trusted him and felt safe with him even though I didn’t.
I had seen enough of his drunken fits to know it wasn’t okay for him to drive, no matter how much he claimed to be fine. All of my alarms were off, yet I wanted to be nice and show him how much I loved him. I ended up almost gotten killed.
He drove too fast, as he taunted me with a morbid chant, “We are going to die!” We ended up getting into a car crash, a minor one, yes, but the terror I felt was undescribably.
And all of that because I didn’t want to make him feel bad.
What to do?
The fix is incredibly easy because it is also very difficult to do, or it will be if you are like me, a perennial people pleaser.
You have to stop giving.
I know, right? That sounds terribly hard, especially because we know what those people in our lives will do.
They are going to whine like never before. They will complain, scream, threaten, and, if they can, make our lives miserable. In some cases, especially if there’s violence involved, you will have to create a whole strategy to do this safely. You know they will pull out the big guns, all of the repertoire of tactics they have used before and maybe even a few new ones. So far, we have made their lives very convenient because we have carried with all of the discomfort.
We have put up with their insecurities, laziness, entitlement, and, yes, we have even endured physical pain for them. They won’t change. Why would they, when we are providing them with the sweetest deal? Do nothing; get all of the benefits.
It’s time to pull the plug. To tell them it has been enough. Maybe we have tried in the past, maybe — like before — they will promise to change. Want to give them a second chance? I understand but, most likely you have already given them two, three, four, five…
Here’s a little confession — I lost count of all the chances I gave. But it was no good because this one truth will forever remain:
They won’t change their habits. Luckily, we can.