What Happens When a Covert Narcissist Realizes You’re onto Their Game?
Brace yourself…
For a covert narcissist, there is no game.
They are not consciously aware they are using tactics and techniques to manipulate and control you. They are not consciously aware their behavior hurts you.
The covert narcissist truly believes that the way they see themselves, you, and the world is true.
They ARE their persona. It is their entire identity. They are nothing without it.
From the lens of the persona
- They believe they are the hero in every story
- They believe they are the victim who has been treated poorly by parents, exes, and bosses
- They believe they are a good person and a great partner
- You said they were lying, therefore you’re mean
- You are attractive, therefore you might cheat
- You confronted them about a behavior when really you did something wrong (in their mind)
- They believe the world is a scary place
- They believe they must protect themselves from numerous seen/unseen attacks
- They believe looking out for numero uno is just the way it is
How did this happen?
The covert narcissist’s childhood trauma resulted in so much internal shame and loss of self, loss of identity, that they took on this persona, this disordered way of thinking and being as a desperate measure of self-protection.
They created this made-up version of reality with their idealized self in the leading role and have lived it for decades, as if it were real.
Their flying monkeys believe this false narrative because the covert narcissist believes it. The flying monkeys believe the covert narcissist IS their persona.
You believed it, too.
Whether the covert narcissist is your parent, significant other, co-worker, or friend, they showed you who they want to be.
The covert narcissist’s family, friends, and members of the community all backed their fictional story — unknowingly. They believe the story to be true.
You saw them as someone…
- with common interests
- humble and self-deprecating
- friendly, charming, and lovable
- with great inner strength, having suffered a miserable childhood
- who just can’t get a break
…because that’s who they showed you.
You believed they were real.
Yet none of it was real.
The mask slips
Now 10, 20, 30, 40 years later, you realize none of it is real. The covert narcissist’s mask has slipped.
At first, you don’t realize it’s a mask. You try to work through your challenges, to communicate as you would in a healthy relationship.
It’s not a healthy relationship.
When you reveal the truth to them, even innocently, they lash out in great hurt and great anger. They believe you are challenging their character, their belief about who they are as a person.
The greater your challenge, the more fiercely they defend their persona. It’s as if their very survival is being threatened — the survival of their persona.
You have become the enemy — someone to neutralize at all costs.
That sense of betrayal and pain is very real to them.
It was never a game.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Adapted from an answer I originally wrote on Quora.
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