How do I make others see a narcissist for who they really are?
When it seems like the whole world is being deceived
You don’t.
First, you can’t make others see anything.
It took time for you to see the narcissist for who they really are. For those of us who’ve been in relationships with covert narcissists, it’s taken DECADES.
What prevented you from seeing it sooner?
Two things:
- A desire to be valued and validated by another. Your internal validation of your self-worth was lacking. You sought love and approval outside of yourself. You wanted to receive validation from the narcissist and did. This felt good.
- A desire for the narcissist to be someone other than who they are. You may have envisioned growing old with them, having kids, having grandkids, celebrating your 50th anniversary, traveling the world. Your attachment to those outcomes prevented you from seeing what was real.
The flying monkey’s delusions
The narcissist’s flying monkeys are still struggling with those two things.
They like being “in the know,” being blessed with the narcissist’s favor and trusted with their confidence. They feel “chosen,” just like you did.
They also want to believe the narcissist is special — a future significant other, business partner, collaborator, connector, family member, friend — and are attached to preserving their viewpoint. They don’t want to be wrong.
For the flying monkeys, there is a third reason.
The narcissist’s experience validates their own choices.
- The monkey is underemployed and contributes little at home. Hearing a narcissist rant about their similar situation, reinforces the monkey’s belief that My spouse expects too much
- The monkey is disorganized. The narcissist’s disorganization affirms the monkey’s belief that Spouses are so controlling
- The monkey cheated on their spouse. The narcissist’s cheating alleviated the monkey’s shame. See, I’m not the only one
- The monkey is in an abusive relationship and miserable. The covert narcissist validates the belief that It’s just the way it is, which helps the monkey avoid making a tough decision
The narcissist inadvertently prevents the flying monkey from feeling shame, something they desperately wish to avoid.
Second, it will only hurt you to try to reveal the narcissist
Believe me, I know. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.
When you try to make others see the truth — even when it’s plain as day and you can prove what you say to be true — the results will be devastating for you.
The flying monkeys, the narcissist’s friends and family will not see the truth.
They will see this instead —
- You are vindictive
- You are as horrible as the narcissist says you are
- You are trying to hurt the narcissist and ruin their reputation
- You are jealous
- You are unable to move on
- You are crazy
- You just won’t let go
You will have done the heavy lifting for the narcissist. You will have reinforced the narcissist’s version of reality to the flying monkeys.
The people you didn’t even know were flying monkeys
People who are paid to be objective, who do not have a long history with the narcissist, will also not see the truth. These include
- Therapists
- The legal system (judges, attorneys, guardians ad litem)
- Clergy
They prefer to believe it’s “he said, she said” and you sound crazy. That is the easiest way for them to avoid their own cognitive dissonance between the narcissist’s presentation and the evidence for all to see.
What to do instead
Take care of you. Learn from the past, live in the present, and move into a healthy future.
The rest of the world will discover the truth or not.
Either way, you are free to live a joyful life.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: 8 Ways Covert Narcissists Mess with Your Head and How to Get Closure After Narcissistic Abuse
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