avatarMelissa Kalt, MD

Summary

When a covert narcissist realizes they are losing their partner, they may employ extreme tactics to prevent the loss, including emotional manipulation, self-sabotage, and even threats of self-harm.

Abstract

The article describes the intense and often manipulative reactions of a covert narcissist when they sense they are losing their partner. The covert narcissist, who relies on their partner for narcissistic supply, may become abusive, employ guilt, and use various tactics to maintain control over the relationship. These tactics can escalate to self-destructive behaviors and threats, aiming to exploit the partner's empathy and concern. The partner, feeling trapped and responsible, may second-guess their decision to leave due to fear of the narcissist's well-being and the potential impact on children involved. The article emphasizes the importance of recognizing these behaviors as part of the narcissist's strategy to retain their source of supply and reassures those affected that survival, healing, and flourishing are possible.

Opinions

  • The covert narcissist views the partner's departure as a betrayal and may react with anger, blame, and manipulation to prevent it.
  • The narcissist may feign or exaggerate health issues or suffer professional setbacks to elicit sympathy and deter the partner from leaving.
  • In extreme cases, the narcissist might resort to overtly destructive behavior, including physical violence or threats of self-harm, to maintain control.
  • The partner often feels conflicted, torn between their own well-being and concern for the narcissist's mental health and potential self-harm.
  • The narcissist may enlist the support of friends and family, portraying themselves as the victim and the partner as the aggressor, thereby isolating the partner further.
  • Despite the manipulation and abuse, the article offers hope to those affected, suggesting that recovery and growth are attainable with the right support and guidance.

What Happens When a Covert Narcissist Realizes They’re Losing You?

You better hold onto your hat!

Departures, Photo by Grant Durr on Unsplash

When a covert narcissist realizes they’re losing you, their gloves come off.

The covert narcissist will pull out all the stops. The abuse that made you want to leave? That’s small potatoes.

The covert narcissist is in this relationship for the long haul and doesn’t want to lose your narcissistic supply. They’ve groomed you to be their primary source for so long.

They don’t know this is what is driving them. That and the desperate need to preserve their false persona, that is.

The covert narcissist sees you as betraying them.

They had such great hopes for you. They thought you saw them as their idealized self, just like everyone else does. They thought you truly “understood” them.

Now, you’ve seen the truth and you’re pulling away.

They lash out

  • How dare you!
  • What the heck is the matter with you?
  • You are sick in the head?
  • You must be cheating!
  • You never loved me anyway!

The covert narcissist will use guilt, manipulation, blaming, deflection, projection, belittling, passive-aggressiveness, and other devaluing tactics to try to shut down your departure.

They may sabotage their health or their job so that you can’t leave.

  • Breaking a bone
  • Throwing their back out
  • Developing new, vague medical symptoms requiring extensive workup
  • Getting fired or laid off

“Only someone heartless would leave me in this condition,” they think, knowing you feel the same.

Even though they’re covert, when desperate enough, overt behavior may become the norm.

  • Screaming and bellowing
  • Extreme gaslighting (hiding your keys, moving your car)
  • Stealing shared money
  • Physical violence

At this point, you’re shook

You’re feeling battered and broken, not sure if you’re strong enough to leave anymore.

You’re also concerned about their well-being. You knew they were hurting you, but this behavior is extreme. You wonder if they have a brain tumor. You don’t want to be the horrible person that left them when they had a brain tumor.

You also don’t want the narcissist to have a mental breakdown or hurt themselves. They KNOW this will get you.

They threaten or take steps to

  • Cut or otherwise harm themselves
  • Shave off all their hair
  • Donate all their clothes to charity
  • Stop showering
  • Start sleeping on the floor
  • Take time off work due to their deteriorating mental health

You start to worry about your kids. You cannot risk having them with this person 50% of the time. That would be throwing them to the wolves.

You start to rethink your plan

Maybe you can hold out a bit longer, you think.

You know you need support, so you reach out to friends and family. They know far more about your situation than they are letting on — the covert narcissist has filled them in on all the details.

They’ve heard how distant you’ve been, how you’re not affectionate anymore, how it doesn’t seem like you care about the covert narcissist at all. They’ve heard how you’ve overreacted to small things, how nothing seems to make you happy anymore, how you’re plotting against them.

These flying monkeys see this vulnerable, debilitated victim and believe you’re the attacker. The victim and offender have been reversed, executed skillfully by the covert narcissist.

And you’re left wondering if you’re going to survive.

(You can survive, heal, and flourish. I’m living proof and I can help you.)

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How Do Covert Narcissists Abuse Their Partners? and What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?

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Psychology
Relationships
Narcissism
Life Lessons
Mental Health
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