What a Great Relationship Feels Like and How It Enhances Us

What do we truly mean when we say a relationship shouldn’t complete us?

One of the most useful pieces of advice we’ve heard before is we shouldn’t expect a spouse to “complete” ourselves.

What does that mean? Why are we incomplete?

We are incomplete because we’re wounded. We carry many childhood issues and a big feeling of inadequacy. Even for the most confident person, they can still think they are not enough.

The reason for that is highly dependent on the person’s background, family, attachments, toxic cultures, etc.

Today I want to talk only about how we look for someone to fill our void, and how it doesn’t really work.

But a good, healthy, secure relationship does do something for us, and I think that’s “enhancement”. The word doesn’t matter, it’s just a different word to “complete”, so we don’t get confused.

Let’s see how we can get to a place where our spouse enhances us, and we, in turn, enhance them.

Why are we broken?

Many people describe themselves as broken, and sometimes we have a broken heart. To mend the broken self, we need something to glue us back together.

Most people don’t know what that glue is, and some don’t even know they are broken and are unconsciously finding the glue! It depends on what mental stage you are at.

The earlier you realize you are broken, the less heart-breaking it can be (it’s a bad pun sorry).

How do you know if you are broken? Well, let’s look at what do you think makes you happy.

For a poor person to look for money, that’s for survival. For a rich person to continue to look for money, that’s brokenness. If we already have enough, why are we looking for more? What does more money bring you?

Luxury, security, prestige, social status, first-class, superiority. All these words remind us of our current situation, which is the opposite of them. A person truly content in their abundance, won’t need to crave for more. If you have the whole menu of KFC, you are unlikely to want more KFC (I’m hungry as and when I’m writing…).

Why do we feel the opposite of abundance? Then again, that can only be answered through searching within yourself, some helpful techniques would be journaling, meditation, and therapy.

So first, know what makes you happy, and what you are craving constantly, help you to identify that 1) you are broken, and 2) why are you broken.

The myth of completion

If our sense of lack comes from lacking in love, and most likely originated from poor childhood experience, we look for love. That’s the glue.

For adults, love comes from romantic relationships, a sign that we are desired, desired enough that they want to start a family with us.

So we start searching for “the one”. The one that makes me a better person, the one that makes me feel seen, worthy, valued, loved, warm. That’s the glue.

This glue seems to hold us together, completes us. We are no longer lacking, we are no longer broken.

The risk is that this glue comes from elsewhere and not from our own self, so we haven’t healed. If we melt that glue away, we are broken again. Why would we melt this glue? That’s a stupid move!

Yes, but our inner wounded self, our insecurity, often break the fulfillment we so desperately seek.

I was one of them, a woman who feared that I’ll be abandoned, cheated on, betrayed by, whoever I managed to seduce. So since a young age, I try hard to flirt with men, always trying to keep them. I don’t ask whether I like them, I ask whether I can make them love me. Do you have the same experience?

This kind of glue is fake, this kind of spouse, no matter if they are good or not, won’t complete us, because there’s only one glue that can.

The glue of completion

The glue of completion comes from ourselves and ourselves only. A physical wound is healed by the skin and flesh stitching themselves back up. The stitches we get from the hospital is only temporary, they are like the glue from our spouses. They did a bit of the job, but the rest relies on us. A broken heart and soul are no different.

So it’s time to glue ourselves together BEFORE we find the spousal enhancement. The order must be this, it won’t be the other way round.

You will only attract the right person if you are healed

It’s not a cliche! It’s actually easier to heal this way than using external glue. Because you are already available to yourself, you don’t need to chase, buy, acquire, seduce, or do anything to attract it, you are already here.

So be here for yourself, and start healing. I have written a lot about that, and I will post some links at the end of the post if that’s where you are at in your life stage. Do this, before you get that significant other. Or, if you already have a significant other, to stop yourself from melting the glue or breaking your relationships based on your dissatisfaction and insecurity, let’s heal yourself now.

Move the average up

This term sounds either clinical or financial, I apologize. But enhancement is the best thing ever. It brings you from one good level to an even better level.

A few years ago, this Ted talk went viral and we start thinking about psychology positive, rather than having mental problems, as what traditional Freudian psychology promotes.

The ted talk guy said this:

“…not just how to move people up to the average, but move the entire average up…” — Shawn Achor

That’s what enhancement is, we enhance our complete self, and become extraordinary.

Many things can help to achieve enhancement, but today I only talk about relationships.

My story

I was a serial dater, a true Tinderella. I dated many men and had a lot of breakups. A few years ago, a very bad breakup happened to me, it broke me enough to make me realize I’m already broken for a start.

I was looking for the men to complete me, to bind me to back up like glue. I was using these men so that I feel better about myself. My insecurity and lack of appreciation of myself, eventually break other people and myself again.

Oh no, I was horrified by how broken I was. I decided it’s time to take care of myself, and that’s the beginning of my spiritual awakening, enlightenment, and healing.

It really is possible to heal ourselves with our own healing force, it comes from within and that should be the only glue that saves us. At that exact point where I love myself so dearly and completely accept myself, my perfect guy materialized out of nowhere.

It really was out of nowhere. We chatted and spent many days and nights together talking, hugging, kissing. The sky doesn’t become bluer, the birds don’t sing prettier. It was a grounding experience.

Our relationship grounds us both, makes us feel we can do things we want to do. My dream is of course to write, so I started writing on Medium. I notice how my voice on paper changes. It was no longer feel-good writing, it was no longer trying to create a character called Midori, who lives a curated life that’s completely fake (If you can read Chinese, here’s my old blog).

I now write with authenticity, keen to connect with others. I am vulnerable and fearless. I have a point and I don’t beat around the bush trying to make it fancier than it seems. I don’t care if you buy my ideas or not, I don’t care if you think I’m a smart, wise, and attractive woman or not. God no.

The truth of spousal enhancement

That’s the true feeling of enhancement. I have become extraordinary. And no, I’m not the most popular writer on Medium, and I’m far from living my dream life. But I see progress, I appreciate each step I take, my life is no longer a means to an end. I am living it.

My boyfriend is not my glue, he is another healed vase by my side.

Together, we live a life of fulfillment, and we face hurdles with pragmatism, we sort problems through calm and healthy discussions. We appreciate each other and not tying each other up with control, jealousy, and insecurity.

Wow, what a liberating feeling. I am a healed individual, radiating so much that I attract a man who is at the same pace as me, with the same values and same vision.

You can have that too, it starts with healing yourself. Here are the articles I wrote about healing, I suggest you start here: