I Have Never Loved My Fat So Much

How I Healed from Negative Body Image and Shame that Destroyed My Life the Past 20 Years

I picked a wrinkly wild pig as the featured image because this was genuinely how I felt I looked like the past 20 years.

Given I’m only 31 years old, this means that since puberty I had been seeing myself less than a human merely because of how ugly I was.

That’s a lot of self-depreciation and self-hate accumulated.

Looking back, I was shocked by how I tolerated this sort of negativity for so long. But the thing is, and I’m sure many of you will resonate, is that when you’re in the vortex of self-loathing, you didn’t even think otherwise.

Inferiority was our identity.

My lockdown belly has changed my life

England went into its first lockdown back in March/April and I have never spent that much time in my life without social interaction.

I ordered a whole wardrobe (no I didn’t mean cupboard) worth of food supplies and didn’t follow Boris Johnson’s rule about going outside. He said we could go out once a day for exercise and grocery shopping, I went out once every ten days. Mainly because people weren’t wearing masks then.

This voluntary imprisonment has got me anxious, depressed and fat. The fat bit, given its long history, fueled the anxiety and depression and became a vicious cycle. So I ate more chocolate biscuits than ever, given they were all within reach in the wardrobe.

I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because there’s no need for me to dress up and get out of the door.

Then one day, my antique oval mirror called upon me, like the Magic Mirror in the Snow White tale. The reflection of myself shocked me. My face was swollen, my belly round, my posture slumbered, my hair dry and my skin dull. I might have truly, truly became the wrinkly pig I always thought I was.

My magic mirror moment

I always believe that human is so stupid that we need to hit the bottom to bounce back. The question is how low do we need to get to learn our lessons.

That magic mirror moment was enough for me to realise two things:

1. I wasn’t half bad before
2. So I can at least go back to how I was

I know, it’s crazy to think this way because usually people would get upset when they hit a rock-bottom but I was grateful and hopeful instead.

The thing is, if there’s a lower point, it can only mean that the past was not at all bad. Relatively speaking, that would be a higher point, and there can be even higher points and even lower points. So we are doing pretty damn fine in the middle.

Everything changed from that moment onwards, and this is why if you are suffering from low self-esteem, shame and negative body confidence, I really hope you can read this article, I am your friend, I was one of you. We can be happy, pretty, confident, everything you want.

5 tips to heal, radiate and transcend

Heal, radiate and transcend, that’s the logical order of how you will move from self-hatred to Rebel Wilson’s level of self-confidence. Seriously, she has just hit 40 years-old and has the confidence, independence and resilience that I craved.

Recently, Rebel Wilson has lost over 40 pounds. I’m going to reference to my own experience and what I gathered about her journey and share with you the 5 tips to heal, radiate and transcend.

Please grab a pen and a notebook!

1. Find something positive about your past

It took me 20 years and a worst-case scenario moment to identify there’s some merit to myself in the past. I don’t know when will you have this realisation and I hope it can be now, as and when you read this article. Looking back, I realised I wasn’t half bad. I’ve done some exercise, I sometimes drink green smoothies, I even hiked the highest mountain in the UK (it’s called Ben Nevis and it’s not that high)!

So help us out here, list your positive attributes and achievements in your notebook.

2. Realise your mind tricks

Our minds do love to trick us, they keep making some nasty opinions up that hurt our feelings. Worse, they make us think that these opinions are facts and never challenge the absurdity of it. How and why does our mind do that? Property from society pressure and parents’ criticism.

But so what? We don’t have to identify with it anymore, because we have realised those are merely opinions, not facts. Journal out what opinions your mind has told you before.

We can also use the onion method. There are many layers we add to a factual situation such as “my BMI is on the high side”. We add things like “now I’m a fat pig” to “my spouse will cheat on me with a skinnier girl”, which are purely harsh, speculative and untrue opinions. Let’s peel those onion layers, and get to the core of the matter.

3. Thank your muffin top

I have never worn a bikini, a sleeveless top or the right size of shoes before (that really f-up my feet) because I was particularly conscious about those body parts.

The shoe thing is because there’s a fetish about small feet more desirable women in East Asia, I grew up being called names about my big feet, so I buy shoes that are one size too small. Seriously, that screwed up my feet so badly.

So the core of my body-image issue, is my waist line, my arm and my feet. That’s a much narrower and factual position than “ugly worthless fat pig”.

Do you remember Rebel Wilson called herself Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect so no one can joke about it behind her back? Whilst I don’t think we need to call ourselves that, we must own our body. This is called self-acceptance. Thank you muffin top, for making me extra cuddle-able.

During Yoga with Adrianne’s online yoga videos, Adrianne also likes to take time to thank her feet (or other parts) when massaging them. Because we have abused our body parts too often and too long. Please journal out your gratitude, if you want you can do it from head to toe, from skin to organs (I will tell you how I quitted smoking next time — by thanking my lungs).

4. The time to look fab is always now

Yep, there’s no other time but now to radiate. You can radiate at anytime you choose to.

Rebel Wilson was the talented singer, comedian, actress and producer before she lost weight. Her weight has nothing to do with anything, except when she jokes about it and breaks Hollywood stereotype like a badass.

One of the harsh opinions I had about my body image is that if I don’t get to the size small jeans, my Tinder dates would be disappointed. Reality is, that’s not relevant at all. I can now say that I don’t Photoshop my pictures, I am witty and beautiful, that’s radiance.

Rebel Wilson started dating this young hot business man called Jacob before the pandemic, i.e. before Wilson started her health journey. The point of this story is not that a boyfriend makes her slim down faster, no, it’s that you should radiate first, and your good vibes will attract great things for you effortlessly.

5. Now, transcend emotions

Just because you start to love yourself doesn’t change the fact that you might be overweight and unhealthy. Just because you love yourself that doesn’t mean it’s time to eat chocolate biscuits from your wardrobe (note to self).

But now any of your weightloss regime comes not from a place of self-loathe, but from a neutral factual position. I don’t want to be in a emotional (negative or positive) position, because losing weight is hard, we need to be a bit more stoic and unfazed about this challenge.

We don’t need that much feelings on things that require consistency and perseverence. I started playing piano when I was 5 and passed grade 8 exams when I was 15 years old. I didn’t play piano with extreme passion. I do love classic music, but it’s the meticulous focus on the most boring techniques, repeated practice on one bar within a movement that got me there.

It’s the same with weight loss, if we are swinging between highly motivated and absolutely can’t be asked all the time, it will lead us to dangerous diet plans, yo-yo patterns or worse, eating disorders. We just need to get rid of the fat, we don’t need all the other stuff.

On Rebel Wilson’s Insta-story when she reached her target weight:

“Hit my goal with one month to spare! Eventhough it’s not about a weight number, it’s about being healthy, I needed a tangible measurement to have as a goal and that was 75 kg’s.” — Rebel Wilson’s Instagram

Weight loss should be more like baking a cake, not like making a meal. You have to quite precise with the ingredient and the steps, follow the recipe, and you will get the result you want. A bit too much baking powder, your cake will turn all soapy. Emotions is like baking powder, control them, use sparingly.

I wrote the above from a place of a surviver, of transcendence. I was once there and I can’t bear to see anyone else who struggle with self-acceptance and self-love. Because no one is actually not beautiful, no one is worthless.

Start healing ourselves today by recognising the self-hatred we’ve sent to ourselves. Separate the facts from the opinions, and get to the bottom of you body-image issue.

Radiate right now and not a minute later. Situations change when we start having some good vibes in us.

Take emotions out of the questions in dieting, it requires consistency and perseverence which emotional roller coaster doesn’t give. Self-love is not an emotion, it’s an energy.

I am Midori, a 31-year-old Chinese living in England. I find better solutions to age-old lifestyle problems. Follow me on Medium, and subscribe to my newsletter here!