We’re Dating, Right?

Don’t let yourself get sucked into a situationship

At least, I thought we were dating. He asked if he could buy me a milkshake. He kept the communication going through text, then he asked to take me to dinner. After that, the times we saw each other increased to pretty much every weekend and sometimes on weekday evenings after work. He always paid. I had even asked him early on if he wanted me to contribute. Seemed like dating to me.

Then it was my birthday. Apparently he didn’t know till it showed up in his Facebook feed, because he didn’t plan anything in advance, but I heard from him that morning, and later in the day telling me he wanted to bring something by. It was a Starbucks card. Yeah, he hadn’t looked up my birth date, lol. Not the unforgivable sin, just another fact about me that he hadn’t bothered about. And I do love the occasional overpriced, caffeinated beverage.

I opened the card. Nothing wrong with the text, but under where he signed it he had written, “I’m glad we hang out!” Um, so all this time we had just been “hanging out”? If that’s what he calls going out on a regular basis, I can’t imagine what his definition of dating actually is.

That was a red flag. It wasn’t the first one, and the pile continued to grow, till a mutual acquaintance saw him ‘hanging out” with another woman and told me. Ended up that he thought he was maybe interested in dating her and that he had been telling me what he thought I wanted to hear from the beginning “so that I would like him.” Yep, that’s an actual quote. He lied to me for four months. Suddenly all the things that just hadn’t quite added up during that time made a whole lot more sense.

Another important point in this story is that he was recently divorced. I didn’t know just how recently it was at first, because he “couldn’t remember” exactly when it was finalized.

And then there were the “explanations.”

I Wasn’t Honest Because I Knew It Would Hurt You

No, he didn’t tell me the truth because it didn’t serve his purpose to be honest with me, not because he was protecting me. It’s not protecting someone to feed them lies. Honesty is the necessary foundation for a solid and healthy relationship. A man who has integrity will be honest with you, even if he thinks it might hurt his chances with you because he wants to be worthy of your trust.

Here’s A Big Sign That You’re In A Situationship

I care about you, but I’m not ready for a relationship. The classic line, right? If you care about someone, you don’t want them to get hurt, so you let them go. You don’t continue to lead them on and use them.

If he had been interested in a relationship, (which is what he initially led me to believe), but had then realized that he wasn’t after all, that would have been ok. But having that realization, and continuing to see me for months while starting something with someone else, was not ok. Not to mention he had also said he wasn’t the kind of man who pursued more than one woman at a time.

A grown man will acknowledge where he’s at and won’t take advantage of you. A grown boy will continue to take advantage of you as long as you let him.

Now For My Responsibility In This Situation

I didn’t vet this man properly before letting him into my world. I let him push and sweet talk his way in instead of standing my ground and finding out more about his character before jumping in. If I had stood firm on my boundaries, I would have seen his character before getting into anything.

I let myself believe red flags were yellow. But they weren’t. They were crimson, and there were so many of them they were like a matador waving his cape. But that makes me the bull, so…I need to think of another analogy.

I thought I was being understanding. I thought I was being nice. I didn’t realize that I was disrespecting myself-that I had dropped my standards down to sea level. I should have had the sandbags piled up to hurricane level. A good man would have risen to that standard.

Here’s my advice if you find yourself in limbo with a man. Realize a situationship for what it is-a dead end. Stop allowing a man to use you for emotional support and an ego boost. You are not his therapist or his mother. You want to be a man’s partner. And he will want to be yours.

A man who is honest with himself will know when he is ready for a relationship, and he will be clear if he wants one with you. He won’t jump into it but will continually progress toward it. And you won’t ever have to wonder where you stand with him.

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