It’s Not Him, It’s You

Your self-worth barometer may be faulty

Do you ever feel like you keep dating the same man over and over, just in a different body? It starts out great, but after a while, everything goes south.

He’s not ready for a relationship. He’s just out of a relationship. He’s not sure how he feels. He just wants to see where things go. He wants you to keep spending time with him but he wants to be able to date other women.

How did you end up here again?

Let me ask you a question.

Are you worth having a good man?

Did that question make you bristle with insult? Did you spring into defense mode, declaring that you and every other woman is inherently worthy of a righteous man?

Did your heart silently agree with it? Deep, deep down, if you’re honest, do you feel like you don’t deserve a man’s love? Are you acting like you don’t? Do you keep letting him take up your time and emotions when he’s showing that he doesn’t respect or value you?

Sometimes we act out of insecurities we don’t even realize we have. We think we’re being understanding and participating in the compromise needed for a healthy relationship, then come to realize we are allowing disrespect and that the compromise is one-sided.

There is always an amount of nervousness and wanting the other person to like you in the initial stage, but as you get to know each other, you should feel more at ease with them, and that they want you to be yourself.

If you’re not sure if you are being led by deep insecurity, take a minute to think about this. Do you have trouble being yourself around him because you’re afraid you might do or say something that will scare him off? Do you worry he’ll leave if you:

• Aren’t interesting enough
• Aren’t supportive enough
• Don’t move at the pace he wants
• Don’t do everything he wants
• Aren’t attractive enough
• Don’t have the same interests or hobbies
• Don’t have a similar personality
• Don’t agree with him on everything
• Have an argument with him

When you turn him down on something, does fear rise up inside? Do you brace for the impact of him deciding it’s too much work and moving on?

That fear and tension are coming from the wounds inside of you. Wounds from childhood, from being cheated on, from being made to feel, even subconsciously, that you weren’t enough. There can be many causes. When we don’t realize how little we respect ourselves, we often allow others to disrespect us.

If your desire for love is out of balance with your self-worth, you’ll accept a man who brushes a few crumbs your way instead of waiting for one who will bake you a 3-layer cake from scratch.

You have to know yourself well enough so that you can recognize the difference between a man who wants to build something with you and one who just wants to pass the time with you. To be able to pick out a man who values you, you must know that you are valuable, and also what your weaknesses and tendencies are. And to do that, you have to be honest about the way you feel about yourself deep down, and not hide behind the image you portray to the world.

Digging Deep

It’s emotionally difficult to dig deep into your feelings and start dissecting them one by one. It can trigger painful memories and visions that you would rather stay buried. No one wants to re-live things that happened in the past. But that’s where healing lies.

When something happens that hurts us, and we don’t ever face it and work through it, the pain and emotions stay inside of us and you can bet your bottom dollar that it will affect your relationships.

When you deal with what happened, it doesn’t mean the pain magically goes away, or that you’ll never feel it again. It means that you let the emotions run their course. You feel them, understand them, and admit how they affect you. You may have to face them many times throughout your life, but each time you acknowledge them, you can heal a bit more, and you will be more in control of them, instead of them controlling you.

You are not responsible for the things that happened to you, but you are responsible for your healing.

Not a man, not your parents, not a therapist, not the government — you are.

Recognize trauma in yourself — and him

When you become familiar with the signs of trauma or abuse in yourself, you will also be able to recognize it in others, And you will be more able to recognize if a man has similarities to people who abused you.

Here’s the kicker though.

When you see the signs, you have to acknowledge them. You have to be able to let him go, and walk away.

Don’t let your mind trick you into staying because you’re “kind,” or “patient,” or “caring.” That’s how you end up with a man who treats you the same way the last one did.

It’s not your job to fix a man, mother him, or wait for him to be ready for a relationship. Let him go so he can heal himself if he wants to. He may not want to heal, he may want a crutch to support his brokenness. You are not a medical device. You are a mature woman who wants an authentic relationship with a mature man.

If you find yourself making consistent excuses for his questionable actions and treatment of you, you’re letting your wounds devalue you.

Don’t let yourself be used as an ego boost, or someone to pass the time with till he finds someone he likes more or who does a better job of propping him up. You want a man who knows that he wants to pursue a relationship with you.

Raise your standards and don’t fall for the lie that there are no good men left.

Signs of healing in him

Men are just as likely to have experienced trauma as women, so how do you know if he’s healed or not?

There are obvious red flags like running people down, showing bitterness, being disrespectful, avoiding anything but superficial conversation, etc.

A good man with wounds isn’t going to tell you his deep dark secrets right off the bat. When he does here are some things to pay attention to:

• His tone
• Where he places responsibility
• His eye contact/body language
• Are there parts of his story that don’t make sense
• Does he talk about the steps he took to heal without you asking
• Does he answer your questions openly

What active steps did he take to heal?

• Therapy
• Counsel from a pastor, close friends
• Books on how to heal and grow
• Podcasts

Can you see in his day-to-day life that he’s still working on himself and that it’s having an effect? If he has a trigger response, does he take responsibility and talk to you about it, and figure out a way to deal with his issues so that he doesn’t take it out on you?

In conclusion

When feelings of fear and anxiety about a man come up , you have to be able to determine whether they’re coming from him placing unhealthy expectations on you, or if it’s your insecurities surfacing.

Healing from your emotional wounds will help you realize you are worthy of the respect of a good man. Realizing your worth will help you avoid men who don’t value you, and will help you be able to recognize one who thinks you’re worth everything. You’re not responsible for a man treating you badly. You’re responsible for raising your standards and not settling for one who does.