We Need to Stop Telling People They Aren’t Defined by Their Mental Illness

While well meaning, this platitude often communicates a lack of understanding to those with a mental illness.

I think the most I ever learned about psychology I learned from my patients. Books and lectures are good for the basics. But the real, down in the trenches kind of information that you need to know the reality of psychological problems and how they affect people’s daily lives can only be learned from those who can tell you what it’s like first hand.

I talk a lot about how a therapist needs to be able to listen to their patient, ask questions to make sure their interpretations seem accurate, adjust their view this way and that like when you adjust a radio dial to find the station without the static. I have always worked hard to do this and I think, in large part, succeeded, but every so often I failed colossally.

One of these occasions involved someone who was suffering from severe depression. We’d had several sessions, during which they described how depression had impacted every part of their life and how they had little hope that it would ever improve. We had established a good rapport and the therapeutic relationship was developing into a strong one. During the fourth session, wanting to give them something positive to take away, I made the statement, “You aren’t defined by your mental disorder.”

My Patient Sets Me Straight

There was dead silence, and my patient got a hurt look in her eyes. I backed up and commented that I clearly had said something wrong asking her why she seemed upset over my remark. She looked at me for a minute then said,

“Haven’t I made it clear? I am definitely defined by my depression, how could I not be? If affects my ability to go to school and keep a job. It affects my ability to interact with others or to even want to do so. I am not the wife or mother I want to be. It determines how I feel and think about myself and how I see everything around me. It It affects my personality and my motivation to do practically anything. And I don’t know that any of this is ever going to change. Maybe I was different before, I don’t know, I don’t remember. But I’ve been this way now for years so it is who I am.”

I tried to backpedal and explain what I had meant by the statement but hearing the words coming out of my mouth made me realize she was right. When people struggle with a severe mental problem, it affects every aspect of their life and it affects the person they are.

The ways that someone feels, thinks, and engages with the world around them has been shaped by their struggles with mental illness. The problem permeates their relationships, memories, hopes and fears. How could this not, in some way, define them?

I heard from my patients all the time how they felt that people wanted to tell them how they should talk about their mental disorder. They understood their friends and family members were trying to be supportive, but many took offense at the notion that the problem didn’t change anything about who they were.

They also were put off by others acting as if the disorder somehow existed completely apart from them. Most said they didn’t want everyone to pretend that they didn’t notice there was a problem, saying they actually needed the opposite.

What I Learned

The main thing I learned from my patients is that when we view mental illness we tend to see only the negative impact it has on someone. The person often focuses on the victories and what they overcame, which they believed to be part of who they were.

Things like resilience, courage, determination, strength, perseverance, humor, toughness and empathy were frequently mentioned characteristics that my patients believed they had gained through their struggles. We can’t say that the experiences of someone with mental illness fails to influence who they are any more than we can say it about anyone.

Sometimes when we tell someone that their mental illness doesn’t define them this may come across as if we are invalidating the tremendous struggles and challenges they have overcome which they view as having shaped them into who they are.

The idea that mental illness is separate from the person can actually do them harm. Mental illness can’t just be wished away or put aside when the person wants it to be. They don’t have the luxury there being times when they don’t have to consider how their problem will impact them as well as whatever they have to do on a day to day basis.

They have to take it into account when they are making plans and remain aware of it when they come into contact with potential triggers that might lead to a crisis. Giving them the impression that they should be able to just shrug it off for a while makes them feel as if their problems are even bigger than they are.

Many people find the fact that they have a mental illness that they deal with and overcome every day to be empowering. The problem isn’t discussing mental illness and recognizing it. The problem is stigmatizing it, lacking empathy regarding it, and having our discomfort cause us to dismiss its effects on the person experiencing it.

Takeaway

When we tell someone that a mental disorder doesn’t define them we are assuming that we have the right to determine who they are and how they got that way. It’s always a good practice to never assume we know the fundamental characteristics of a person when we didn’t have their experiences and don’t have the ability to fully see things from their perspective.

The best thing you can do if you have someone in your life with a mental problem is to listen, really listen to what it is they tell you. Don’t try to dismiss or negate what they are telling you. You may have the best of intentions but trying to tell them how their mental difficulty is affecting or influencing them or whether or not it is a part of what defines them is not something you have the right to decide. Attempting to do so will only make them feel misunderstood and less likely to feel comfortable talking to you about it.

Everyone with a mental difficulty should be able to determine how to integrate those challenges into their identity and self concept. There is no absolute right or wrong decision when it comes to the framework someone chooses to fit their life experiences into. Everyone is different and no one can or should try to narrate any other person’s experiences for them.

Natalie C. Frank, has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. She specializes in Pediatric Psychology and Behavioral Health.

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