avatarLizzie Lizard Brain

Summary

The content humorously delves into the trials and tribulations of an editor dealing with unconventional writing submissions, the challenges of editing with AI assistance, and the complexities of writer-editor relationships on the Medium platform.

Abstract

The article provides a satirical look at the life of an editor, "Lizzie," who works with a typist named Patricia Jeanne. They navigate through a sea of eccentric submissions, ranging from satirical pieces on taxidermy to humorous takes on global issues. The narrative touches on the editor's struggle with maintaining objectivity, the overuse of AI in writing, and the intricacies of editorial privilege. It also highlights the editor's sarcastic approach to writer collaboration, the use of tools like Grammarly, and the delicate process of adding writers to publications. The piece concludes with a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the editor's role in the writing ecosystem, despite the occasional chaos and misunderstandings.

Opinions

  • The editor, Lizzie, has a cynical view of the writing quality of submissions, considering many to be satirical or of poor standard.
  • Patricia Jeanne is portrayed as overly optimistic and encouraging towards writers, which Lizzie finds boring and overly positive.
  • Lizzie expresses a disdain for the use of AI in writing, suggesting that it produces low-quality content and that writers who rely on it should return to more manual forms of work.
  • The editor sees their role as akin to a "ruthless dictator," shaping the minds of writers and enjoying the power dynamics of the editor-writer relationship.
  • There is a critique of the editorial process on Medium, including the notification system, the selection of writers for publications, and the sometimes arbitrary nature of editorial feedback.
  • The article suggests that the bar for writing quality on Medium is low, with the main criterion for acceptance being whether an editor can copy and paste a writer's profile ID without technical issues.
  • The editor has a dim view of the publication process, mocking the naming conventions of new publications and the ease with which writers can be added or removed.
  • The piece implies that writers are often at the mercy of editors' whims and that the relationship can be fraught with power imbalances and misunderstandings.
  • The conclusion facetiously suggests that despite the challenges, there is a place for everyone in the writing community, and the editor looks forward to engaging with more writers, albeit with a predatory undertone.

EDITORIAL MISCONDUCT

“We Love You and Hope You’ll Forgive Us”

And other hilarious texts from parents who are dying and YOUR EDITOR

Number One Rule: Show, Don’t Tell. Source: Author

My typist is dealing with aging parents who made mistakes and other people’s writing. I try to use a hot branding iron on humans for minor mistakes. When I respond as a beleaguered daughter or editor to others, she says, “We’re going to Hell for this if you don’t shut up Lizzie.”

Patricia Jeanne has been collaborating with other people’s original ideas. She’s helpful, means well, and tries to be encouraging.

She says, “It’s rewarding to help writers improve their stories and see them grow in their craft. I learn so much!”

She’s Boring AF.

I say, “Send these hacks back to the Rooster Castration aka Chicken Nuggets assembly line. They should still be finger painting with poo.”

What? You thought the nuggets weren’t covered by short hairs and teeny tiny growth-challenged feathers?

We’ve read some amazing stories. The one on the Ukraine War’s Impact on Taxidermy of Endangered Species in Russia was a delightful party.

Other favorite titles include —

  1. “The DaTe Semicolons Were OutLaud in Monetary CA; Just DON’T!” by Rudy ‘Fragmented Thoughts’ O’Bannon, a humorous take on a kitten who fell down a well in Scotland.
  2. “Make 6 Big Splashes to Become Rich Overnight” by Alfred Nobel, a tear-jerker about a kitten blasted by dynamite who falls into a well.
  3. “When a One-Nut Mutant Perverse Crower Became Speaker of the House” by AI-AI-Oh!, attempted serious political analysis in a well of toxic noise.

Oh well.

Patricia Jeanne says she’s fascinated. I choose to believe all stories are lousy satire about the pathetic plight of humanity. The humor’s not a barrel, but a waste dump of laughs.

Editorial Privilege

There are advantages to being an editor. It’s like being a ruthless dictator just out of reach.

For one thing, you get to help mold moldy minds of tomorrow into never-setting Jell-O molds shaped like amputated kittens. Don’t fret — put a peanut where the arm should be. “Peanut allergies” aren’t real.

Secondly, However, In Conclusion, you get to beat the crap out of people who use AI to generate their stories. It’s easy to challenge the facts with questions like, “Can you give me more information on the territorial dispute of Kashmir between China and Idaho?” and the writer will cut and paste another 700 words into their original document focused on how to make brownies.

I’ll happily help! Source: Author

Objectivity and Subjectivity, or Show, Don’t Tell

My typist reads advice from other, more experienced writers and likes to apply it to her editoriably adorable efforts.

I take her wishes just a few inches to the right to make her see the error of her ways. I mean, move them from California to Nebraska along a treacherous winding, icy road without heat or lights.

Patricia Jeanne asks, “Can you elaborate on this? We aim for 40+ words.”

She’s a demanding deep-dive research junkie. Sometimes she asks for context or examples. Right. I asked the author of the Russian Taxidermy piece to explain why ‘word’ isn’t spelled ‘werd.’

But I’m helpful and provide hints on direction.

I write, “Don’t use ‘cold’. It’s objective. Use this subjective language instead, “Her nipples hardened into two iron marbles stolen from Dead Man Killer’s laboratory. Her breath caught in her dry throat and she nearly barfed. The tingling between her legs was so exhilarating it became nearly intolerable.”

Both the writer and my typist said this wasn’t helpful for a nun writing about a 7-year-old pushing his dog on a sled.

Spellcheck and Grammarly Stalker

There’s nothing more tantalizing than opening a document and mistaking it for a political debate. Seeing every 3rd word underlined in red or blue makes my day! I know the flesh of the writer will be young and tender after just a few seconds of broiling insults.

My typist thinks she’s clever. She’ll add a helpful note like, “Grammarly text editor suggests spelling the color ‘blue’. I recoil from red lines like they’re demons in The Exorcist — ‘The power of Grammarly compels thee!’ lol.”

She’s such an idiot.

I’d handle this differently.

“Hey, Patriarchy Sexist! I’m going to pulverize your ego with bleu cheese under a bleu sky. Spell it right!”

That’s if the writer’s a girl. They like knowing we cater to men here at “Smart People Only” and feel s-p-e-s-h-u-l if we take them.

It’s my goal to get my typist fired, and so far, so good.

Correcting spelling and syntax errors

There are a couple of super-secret hit squads on Medium for editors who change a comma to a period, or vice versa.

If you collaborate with another writer or edit someone’s work, here’s the best way to remove the number that snuck into their name—

Be prepared to die.

Editor and Writer notifications

When someone submits a story to a publication, we get a Medium notification. No longer in person since we moved.

Writers are notified via email if they’ve been added as a writer to a publication. Publications do background checks by reading a random sentence from your shortest post and counting the number of death threats. If it’s over 17, the publication owner — dreaming of blowing up all of humanity — is prodded awake.

If you use letters instead of emojis and blocks of color, you’ll probably pass.

The bar of excellence an aspiring writer must jump is whether an editor can copy and paste your profile ID without crashing Medium.

More than 3 times.

If you qualify, you’ll receive a message saying, “Congratulations! You’ve been added as a writer to GET RICH LIKE STEVIE KING & DON GRISHAM RIGHT NOW!”

BTW, Medium Support is an exhausted Golden Retriever who hangs with a 3-legged kitten. They live underground. In a well.

Occasionally, they enjoy long walks (hobbles) on the beach.

Management meeting. Made with Canva. Source: Author

Congratulations on becoming a valued member of our team!

Writers love to be added to publications, but they eventually discover it’s like being an arachnophobe with a kid brother who collects spiders.

When my typist is asleep I sometimes get to work and surprise her with 37 new publications I’ve been added to overnight.

“What tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

Ka-plunk.

Sorry, I broke the Z key after my typist threatened to erase me.

By the way, if you’re starting a publication, make sure to name it “The ___.” There’s nothing more productive than scrolling through 31 flavors of The before finding out someone got creative and used “A ___”, or “New ___.”

Since I’m a giver at heart, I like adding random people to the publications we edit. I know writers don’t receive enough notifications, and it brings joy to the hearts of people who don’t understand English to be included in EXPERT ANALYSIS OF 18TH CENTURY AMERICAN LITERATURE.

Break-up Notifications

I noticed the “It’s not me, it’s you” break-ups aren’t formally announced. This dampens my love of adding writers randomly. So I took care of it with a little bit of Python and a bot.

Thanks AI!

I always send 3 notices to the publications’ most valued authors.

  1. We know what you did last summer so you may be suspended. Click on the Tip icon and submit $12.97.
  2. We can’t believe you published that!!! Add another $17.23 while we debate notifying the FBI.
  3. You have 5 minutes to respond or will be blackballed from all Medium Publications. Click H e _ ✔️r e. You missed!

If you find yourself love-bombed then suddenly dumped by pubs, stalked by editors who demand “Your idea was good — make the corrections!”, or your sister you described as “identifies as molecularly misaligned,” have no fear. I’m starting a therapy practice.

Conclusion

Being an editor is fun and everyone loves and appreciates my helpful advice every single time!!!

One writer tried to fix Racer’s legs.

I look forward to crossing paths with you. Because I’m hungry.

Publishers, the line forms in Duluth outside the No-Salvation Army Corp of Engine-sneers. But feel free to add me as an editor to grow your publication. You like bots, right? Avoid my typist though — she’s still drowning in the “The’s” well.

Everybody offended — “We Love You and Hope You’ll Forgive Us.”

Mom and Dad, and editors I’ve hissed at — all is well. Forget about it.

Thanks for reading.

What’s your favorite editor’s response? I’m partial to “Not sure where you’re going with this,” and being reminded to take my meds.

He was crunchy.

Thanks to Grandma Smillew the Amazing for hosting. Because this piece is too long for some, too weird for others, and I’m late peeling the skin off my lunch. (I’m kidding Mom! Please — forgive me! You know you raised a remarkable typist who’s insanely well-balanced and loves you very much!)

Short and sweet. Okay, short and twisted.

Longer and perhaps useful —

Child porn irritates me.

Satire
Editors Explain
Medium Writers
Creative Writing
Smillew Is Edited
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