LIFE ON THE RUN

Travel Tips for Criminals, Consultants, and Call Girls

When time is money and comfort is crucial

I used to travel for work a lot. When I wasn’t working, I took some great vacations. Sometimes, the two overlapped. These tips are useful for anyone who travels.

For a while, I was splitting my work week between California and Portland, Oregon. The flight attendants on Alaska Airlines became friends who helped keep strangers from bothering me by hinting I worked for the IRS.

When you’re paid by the trick, hit, or hour for time and materials you learn ways to make each moment productive and comfortable.

Things that make living on the road (or anywhere other than home) uncomfortable include —

• Safety: If you’re hot and wealthy like me you don’t want to be a target.
• Convenience: Depending on housekeeping, room service, and the ̶p̶i̶m̶p̶ concierge means waiting.
• Comfort: Not having your favorite slippers, an ice pack, and a choice of green apple or chocolate gummy bears is annoying.
• Time: No matter when you schedule coffee, a hangover remedy, aspirin, or blood stain remover to be delivered, it won’t arrive when and how you want it. Precious time is wasted when you’re not at your best.
• Interruptions: People knock and call when they’re good and ready. See Safety, Convenience, Comfort, and Time.

All of these problems can be handled with a bodyguard, sycophantic entourage, or a little planning and preparation.

Trip organization

If you’re leading a double life, you’re already juggling twice the information, schedules, and workload. It can be exhausting. Keeping projects separate and secure is important. Once the proper safeguards and practices are established, it can be as easy as changing your shoes.

When I first started selling my time and attention, I used different briefcases (or overnight bags, depending on what I was selling my time and attention for). This kept one project separate from the other and helped assure the ̶m̶a̶r̶k̶ client their financials and trade secrets wouldn’t end up in the hands of their competitors.

Most of us who live with electronic devices for managing our time, contacts, meetings, and projects have a spare — usually an old phone and laptop we’ve replaced with one we like better.

I was juggling several clients so I maintained separate secured folders, devices, and online profiles when necessary.

Transporting yourself, goods, and services

Security experts. the CIA, and Big John all warn against becoming targets for theft, extortion, blackmail, and kidnapping.

Safety for yourself and the information about or focus for your trip has to be a priority. I recommend keeping a low profile.

In most cases, you can’t carry self-defense weapons on flights. In some places, stun guns and other defensive tools are illegal. Other states have few restrictions on concealed firearms and gun purchases. Personally, I limit self-defense to a sharp tongue, dirty look, and bad attitude. But there were times when I traveled to dangerous areas and carried pepper spray.

There are travel aids for concealing your money and important documents in belts, strap-on hidden braces, and other security measures available. RFID blocking wallets help keep your electronic devices from being scanned. Alarms, whistles, and specific safety procedures are recommended for certain danger zones, but I mostly avoided these.

The CDC offers a safety survival guide for health and security. Many travel sites offer tips and suggestions for best practices when traveling and being hard to reach. Establishing communication channels and times, familiarizing yourself with an area using Google Maps, and taking reasonable precautions should be part of your plan.

Some trips to unknown danger zones require more planning than family visits where you’ll be picked up at the airport and taken to the home where you grew up.

If you’re traveling outside the country or to an unknown area it’s good to familiarize yourself with local customs, disease outbreaks, and other potential problems.

Travel doctors have specific knowledge and access to vaccines needed in certain parts of the world. These can save your life.

Warning: Some preventive medications carry nasty side effects and a touch of the disease you’re being inoculated for. This can confuse ER staff if traces appear in blood tests after you get shots to visit the Amazon. Yellow Fever, Typhoid, Malaria, and Hepatitis A attenuated vaccines may look funny to doctors in Vancouver, WA, and can trigger an autoimmune response.

Dress for success but not to impress

I’ve traveled with others who dressed to impress, wore expensive jewelry and watches, flashed cash, and boasted about their importance, lifestyles, earnings, and what they owned.

Extremely bad idea.

You don’t want Hernando the Enforcer or the State Department to get involved in arranging transportation home.

I’ve had a few interesting encounters.

• In the fashion design district of LA, an angry designer pointed a gun at my partner when they thought he might be a spy for a competitor.
• In Rio de Janiero a kid put a knife to my friend’s neck and stole her watch. Copacabana is lovely, but there were no cops on the beach.
• In an expensive collector’s area of Puerto Vallarta, we were trailed for several blocks and had to do some quick maneuvering.
• I was once rear-ended at a stop light in New York’s gold and diamond district by men who weren’t looking for a date.

The director of International Marketing who frequently traveled the world wore sweats on the plane and brought her pillow and a blanket. She kept to herself listening to music with earbuds and made good use of flight time by pretending she didn’t speak 7 languages.

What you carry

Cheap luggage, carry-ons, and purses with distinctive markings won’t signal that you’re carrying the maximum amount of cash allowed in a foreign country. Luis Vitton and other designer luggage tell others you’re a worthwhile mark.

In several foreign countries, it’s common to pay a nominal fee to have your luggage wrapped in plastic after it’s been scanned. This deters thieves and makes tampering obvious.

I found using strategically placed blue duct tape to secure luggage seams has the same deterrent effect and makes identifying your luggage easy.

But, carrying duct tape when traveling can raise security eyebrows, so small roles of electrical, masking, or imprinted gift packaging tape work too. Ditto on handcuffing your carry-on to your wrist or your hostage’s.

Being grilled by air marshalls or security personnel cuts into those billable hours and increases the need for anxiety medication and/or the chocolate gummies you may not have easy access to.

The goal is to be low-key and not someone others want to question.

If a stranger traveling companion insists on talking, use the opposite of breath mints. You’re not legally required to shower before you fly.

You can’t be arrested for having fake business cards made up identifying yourself as an lRS auditor as long as you spell it wrong and don’t use a government seal. Plop it down with a dirty look as soon as the seat next to you is taken.

Getting around on the ground

Arrange ground transportation ahead of time with a local car thief or booking agent.

Uber and hotel shuttles may be convenient if you plan to remain in the hotel or safe house, but again, you’ll be waiting on someone else. For convenience and freedom, I grab the keys and go directly to my stolen car or comfortable rental and make sure it has a decent GPS.

Choose a reliable mode of transportation that doesn’t pose a steep learning curve. Arriving in Reno, Nevada you might be tempted to rent a horse, but I can testify it’s not practical. Taking a bus or train anywhere in LA is a sign of insanity.

Arrange ground transportation ahead of time with the local car thieves or booking agent. If there’s a problem, address it immediately. The locals who maintain inventory know which cars have problems.

Be nice and tip well. Getting a clean vehicle with a working A/C takes effort.

Travel light and avoid dangerous situations

When leaving home for longer than two days we’re often tempted to pack everything we imagine we might need. If you’re traveling from Los Angeles to Washington for a week in May, it’s not likely you’ll need a Russian fur hat with ear flaps, a ski mask, and a bikini. Well… yes, I did.

You usually know where you’re going, and how long you’ll be there, and can get a weather forecast ahead of time.

Because I was splitting my week between California and Oregon for six months, I shipped cartons of my least favorite suits, jeans, jackets, and shoes to the hotel and had them stored between visits.

Insider tip: There are always spare rooms the hotel staff use to sleep, party, and take breaks in. They could have blood stains, clogged sinks, or reek of something you don’t want to imagine, but they’re empty and used for storage. They’re considered “taken out of inventory by housekeeping or management.”

While on vacation or spending time away from home, you may get to know fellow travelers, locals, and staff. Keep in mind you’re dealing with transients, strangers, and employees, not friends you’ve known for years.

Once, an overly familiar hotel driver changed the route from the hotel to my office to “take you to a place to catch your breath, see a great view, and listen to tunes.” If I was at home, I’d have called this kidnapping and had him arrested.

Be nice and tip well, but not to the point your family may get a ransom note.

This is one of the reasons I decided having my own car was a good idea. Being able to visit the bank or a drop site, stop for coffee, hit a drive-thru bank, and go to the local urgent care when I invariably needed to provided a sense of freedom and security necessary in my line of work.

Be prepared

Things that make travel inconvenient include not having what you want or are familiar with nearby and immediately accessible.

I mentioned traveling light and shipping things ahead.

Spending half my life away from home, I didn’t take my coffee and coffee maker with me. Hint: packing your favorite coffee on a plane raises suspicion. It’s an old trick drug smugglers use to disguise the scent from drug-sniffing dogs.

With the idea “time is money” in mind, I went shopping when I knew I’d be spending considerable time away from my favorite things.

I imagined the comforts of home and bought cheap alternatives since I didn’t have the usual sense of security items wouldn’t be lost or stolen.

Original purchase —

a coffee maker, can opener, microwave tray * an iron I liked, quick-clean sprays, and wrinkle removers plastic wrap and meal containers, including silverware three-prong USB charging cable power strip with multiple outlets cleaning products and air fresheners I liked sleep mask, earplugs, blanket, and silk pillowcase other personal grooming products — a loofa, curling iron, nail polish kit makeup and hair products — a curling iron, brush, and blue hair dye heavy-duty airtight plastic tubs for storage, bright duct tape, and labels

As needed —

packages of socks and underwear nail polish, polish remover, files, and shavers my favorite shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, toothpaste, and soap condiments and seasonings coffee, tea, and beverages snacks, fresh and frozen meals * alcohol, vapes, and other “personal relaxation and convenience” aids air freshener, mouthwash, eye drops, wet wipes, and perfume

* If there’s not a refrigerator or microwave, minis can often be purchased for less than an hour’s earnings.

Naturally, my teddy bear, favorite teddy, and Binkie traveled with me.

I’m most productive when I have the things that make me comfortable nearby. There are some things like medicine, a favorite fluffy robe, a specific brand of toilet paper, and other items it isn’t practical to replicate or transport back and forth easily.

Travel is supposed to be an adventure, so roughing it now and then won’t send you back to therapy.

Work with your hosts

When you travel, you’re usually dealing with people who work in the service industry. If you’ve ever worked as a waiter, retail salesperson, or in customer service, you know people who pay for services can be unpleasant. Remember this when you need something, or do something that interrupts an employee’s regular routine or requires special consideration. Clear communication and instructions presented kindly help ensure a trip with minimal problems and delays.

Leave a tip for the maid with a note it’s for them, and they’ll help remove bullet casings and put away things you don’t want your boss to see.

If you’re a frequent guest, establishing a good rapport with the Front Desk Manager and Housekeeping can be a lifesaver. They’ll make sure you get to the airport on time, receive packages and messages, and your reservations are managed properly. A willing and capable insider will also help make sure you get a clean room with a working air conditioner that isn’t next to the maintenance supply closet or loud machinery. Upgrades and special rates are available if you ask nicely.

Assume the last person served may have been rude and demanding. You don’t have to be.

Be nice and tip well and you’ll find people are more cooperative.

Conclusion

Being comfortable and prepared makes us happy, and clients as well.

Not having coffee or tricks of the trade handy when you need them can cause issues that affect everyone, directly and immediately, or possibly nine months down the road. (Some deadlines can’t be renegotiated.)

Planning ahead, being aware of potential problems in transportation and surroundings, and being self-sufficient make your stay easier for everyone.

Confession: I’m no longer considered hot and wealthy, and I wasn’t an assassin or working in another fascinating field. I worked on information systems at a time when talking about it invited a ton of questions. My transferrable tricks of the trade included cleverly disguised portable drives. Keep these if using multiple electronic devices.

ps. Don’t reveal you’re working with Corporate at the hotel bar before catching your final flight home. That double-shot you didn’t order may not come up as smoothly as when it went down.

pps. Shout out to the flight attendant who bravely went with white hair and told an unruly seatmate I might have tuberculosis.

Thanks for reading! I welcome tips I forgot to mention and invite discussion in the comments section.

This was tame and far more useful than most of Lizzie Lizard Brain’s work.

She’s usually more insane, funnier, and can go pretty dark. But that would have taken more space and turned this into a series.

Maybe she’ll do a “Worst Traveling Companions Ever” piece and throw in some of the worst “comfort pets.” Really? A snake who needs mice?

Dark and twisty —

Twisty and amusing —

Twisty, clever, and disturbing (seems to be a theme)