TIME IS MONEY
We Have a Major Update on Your Flight Departure Time
We sincerely hope you’ve received our update
From my inbox. 1:48 p.m. Good afternoon, dear United Forever Airlines passenger! We have a major update on your flight. We wanted to let you know that your flight, UFA9639.216 on November 23, will be postponed. The updated scheduled departure from the Atlanta airport (ATL) is 3:05 p.m., NOT 3:00 p.m. We’re deeply sorry for any inconvenience caused. Thank you.
From my inbox. 4:23 a.m. Good morning, beloved United Forever Airlines passenger! We would like to remind you once more that on Sunday, November 23, your flight, UFA9639.216, will depart from the Atlanta airport (ATL) at 3:05 p.m. Please plan to arrive at the airport five minutes later than you had originally intended — unless you deliberately want to wait longer at the airport — which is your right. You are the customer! Have a glorious day!
From my inbox. 6:11 p.m. Good evening, precious United Forever Airlines passenger! Please check out our previous two messages. We totally understand if you’ve been busy and accidentally missed them. Spoiler alert — Flight UFA9639.216 will be delayed by FIVE minutes on the 23rd. SAY WHAT?
From my inbox. 10:34 p.m. Hiya, this is Dr. Atlanta Junior, urgently texting from an aircraft owned by — United Forever Airlines, which is about to take off in two minutes. Before it does, I wanted to give you an update on your COVID test result. You’re COVID-negative. Congratulations! You know what that means, don’t you? You’re allowed to catch your flight UFA9639.216 this Sunday at — Wait for it — 3:05 p.m, which is being broadcast in all capital letters throughout the terminal right now.
From my inbox. 3:46 a.m. Felicitations! You’ve won three billion dollars and five cents! Last month, you drank a Caramel Cocoa Cluster Frappuccino at Starbucks where you booked your ticket for flight UFA9639.216. Come to the Atlanta airport (ATL) on Sunday to collect your potential winning prize. Which you will receive ONLY if you can tell us the exact updated time your flight will depart. As they say — time is money.
From my inbox. 12:13 p.m. Greetings, earthling! I’m assistant to the senior alien manager, texting you from Pluto, which is still a planet. We’ve just learned your flight UFA9639.216 on Sunday will depart at 3:05 p.m. How do we know? We monitor all transmissions on Earth. We would love to take credit but this news is all over Pluto today. Start packing — five minutes late.
From my inbox. 3:19 a.m. Good day, flight UFA9639.216 passenger! It’s a big day today! We are as excited as you are. Updated update— still 3:05 p.m! Gotcha! Catch you at the airport! Ciao, Bello!
From my inbox. 2:05 p.m. Top of the morning to you, honey! Woo hoo! Sixty minutes to go! Not fifty-five minutes! Please tell us you’re on your way to the airport. We will not wait for you. We’re not kidding. If you’re already at the airport, drinking a Caramel Cocoa Cluster Frappuccino at Starbucks and collecting your three billion dollars and five cents prize money, please ignore this message. But don’t forget when we’re leaving. Which is 3:05 p.m.
From my inbox. 2:10 p.m. Hey! It’s the assistant to the senior alien manager from Pluto again. Now it’s T-minus fifty-five minutes until your flight, homo sapiens! Pluto? STILL a planet.
From my inbox. 10:05 p.m. It’s 10:05 p.m. WHERE ARE YOU? We’re still here. We’ve been calling your name at the airport boarding gate for the past seven hours. YOU’D BETTER — BE DEAD!!
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