The warning signs of sexual coercion
Even in a committed relationship, sex can become a weapon that’s used against us in abusive and manipulative ways.
by: E.B. Johnson
The intimate connection we share with our partner forms a crucial part of the relationship. Through our sexual connection, we learn to be vulnerable with one another and we learn to be open too. When these intimate relationships turn into toxic power dynamics, however, we can find our happiness going downhill fast. Has your sexual relationship become more about coercion than eager consent? It’s important to be aware and protective of your boundaries and your needs.
Coercion is not consent.
Many of us have allowed the toxic idea of coercion to masquerade as consent. It’s understandable. We live in a world where most of our “understanding” of relationships comes down to gender dynamics and the idea of one partner being superior to the other. In reality, though, this is not how healthy relationships — of any kind — are formed. Coercing our partners into sex or any other form of consent is toxic, abusive and wrong from every perspective.
There’s little consent when the other party feels forced to engage.
Giving in to the pressure of endless coercion is not the same as giving consent. Does your partner threaten you when you don’t feel like getting intimate? What happens when you deny them sexual access to your body? Do they hold your relationship hostage, or attack you with guilt and emotional manipulation? If any of these behaviors sound familiar (or you agree to sex more out of exhaustion than genuine desire) then you may be a victim of sexual coercion (Jeglic, 2021).
Knowing the signs of sexual coercion.
Are you being sexually coerced? Has the physical intimacy in your relationship turned into something unstable and unpleasant? Sex is an important part of most romantic partnerships, but in the wrong partnerships it can become a weapon. Does your partner force you into the bedroom? Do you feel quilted or shamed into giving them what they want from your physically? These are signs of sexual coercion and important to pay attention to.
Nagging to exhaustion
Does your partner nag you for sex, or pressure you until you feel exhausted by the prospect of turning them down. Although this may not feel overtly hostile, it’s an abusive form of coercion which grinds you down so that you will then give in against your will. This isn’t healthy. It isn’t normal. And it certainly isn’t a part of a healthy sexual relationship.
Making tangible threats
Does your partner make tangible threats when you don’t agree to give in to their sexual urges? Maybe they threaten you, or they threaten your children. In extreme cases, they may even threaten to harm themselves or stray from the relationship if they’re not given what they need. These threats are real, and they illicit a very real response from you that is laced with both fear and a sense of guilt and shame.
Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is yet another way in which our partners may use sexual coercion against us. What happens when you’re not in the mood? Or you turn your partner down? Do they take the news in stride, or does it turn into an exhausting emotional battle? Your partner may emotionally blackmail you by using their emotions against you. When you turn them down, they throw themselves into extreme grief or extreme anger. This is meant to appeal to your fear and your sympathy so that you give them what they want.
Weaponizing guilt
There are few tools more powerful than guilt or shame when it comes to the use of sexual coercion. When your partner is trying to force you to give in, they may try to make you feel guilty or shameful for your denial. This is especially common where traditional values and religious beliefs play a central role in the partnership. In these relationships, one partner is given power over the other. When this “inferior” partner stands up for themselves, they are made to feel as though they are violating their ordained role.
Endless hostage-taking
When you turn your partner down, do they hold your relationship over your head like a weapon? They may do this through emotional hostage taking that leaves you feeling insecure and off-balance in your partnership. Perhaps they threaten to end the relationship, or even threaten to cheat if you don’t give them what they want. Taking your relationship hostage in this manner only destroys trust and the sense of security you have in self and your partner.
Creating nasty rumors
One of the most insidious ways in which our partners use sexual coercion against us occurs by using rumor or the threat of rumor to intimidate us. Like their tangible physical threats, they may threaten to detonate your family or social circles by exposing you as a sexual deviant or a bad person. This activates your sense of shame and makes you more likely to play their game.
How to actively protect yourself.
Has sexual coercion slipped into your relationship? Has your partner become a source of tension rather than a point of passion? You need to take steps to actively protect yourself and your happiness. The longer this abusive behavior is allowed to go on, the stronger its hold will become over you. Rather than getting stuck in a place of fear, find your confidence and stand up for yourself.
1. Clear the air for yourself
If it’s safe to do so, be open with your partner and direct about how their behavior is affecting you. While some partners may be using this behavior insidiously, it is also possible that your partner isn’t aware of how toxic their actions are. You need to clear the air for them, but you also need to clear it for yourself. Sexual coercion isn’t right, and you don’t have to be subjected to it.
Pick a comfortable time and place, and sit your partner down for an honest conversation. Tell your partner that you’re not comfortable with the direction your relationship has taken, or what they’re asking from you in the bedroom. Express your feelings and explain too how you want to be treated.
Ensure that you gauge the possibility of success before you venture into this air-clearing. While this is an important first step in the right relationship, it may not be the right step if you are in an extremely abusive relationship. If that’s the case, it’s important that you seek professional help and develop a careful plan of action that can realistically free you from the position that you’re in.
2. Set stronger boundaries
Boundaries should be a central part of your relationship — no matter how much you love your partner. Our partnerships thrive on boundaries. They help us protect and establish our happiness, while also expressing our expectations and needs to our partners. If you want more autonomy in the bedroom, you need to set stronger boundaries that create that space for you to get what you need.
Take the time now to set boundaries for yourself, and practice protecting them and reinforcing them. These boundaries should include the lines you don’t want your partner to cross, but it should also include the line you draw for yourself.
At what point are you going to walk away? At what point are you going to draw the other line and let your partner know that they aren’t respecting you? Until you set hard-and-fast boundaries, your partner will continue to push you around — because they can. You need to question how you want to be treated, and question what you want your relationship to look like. Then extend that knowledge to action. Take steps to protect your wellbeing and ensure that you walk away from positions that might risk your peace of mind.
3. Build a support system
There can be no denying the power of a support system when it comes to repairing (or extracting ourselves from) a relationship that has become coercive or abusive. Close friends and loved ones can empower us, while reaching out to a professional can expand our sense of self and the vision of what we want next. If you’re serious about getting out of the coercive patterns, then you need to reach out for help.
Establish a support system that can encourage you and support you through this challenging time. Repairing your relationship, or deciding what to do, won’t happen overnight. Change doesn’t work that way. Embrace the process and surround yourself with people who can help you get where you need to be.
Among these should be an established mental health or relationships expert. This is someone who can help you with the complex trauma that can be associated with sexual coercion. This trauma lives deep, and can attach itself to associated traumas that still lurk in the back of our memories. In order to ensure that these types of relationships don’t occur again, you need to make sure you are eliminating the patterns root-and-stem.
4. Manifest more self-esteem
Your self-esteem is everything when building the right relationships. It’s also essential in setting our boundaries. You’re going to have to stand up for yourself to break free of the coercive patterns, but doing that is going to require an unshakeable belief in self and your right to thrive and be happy. Do you want to start getting what you really want in the bedroom? Do you want a better relationship? It revolves around your self-esteem.
Re-build your self-esteem from the ground up. You need to fall in love with yourself and find the courage to stick up for the things you want and need in your life. To do this, you need to have a firm belief in your right to be happy and to thrive — on your own terms.
Establish a self-love journey. Start by looking inward and celebrating your strengths and all those skills and quirks that you love about yourself. When you’re more comfortable on the inside, you can then turn your focus to the outside. Fall in love with your body, and all those parts of yourself that make you insecure. Celebrating yourself will allow you to see your needs in a whole new light, and it will make you more willing to fight for them too.
5. Do the right thing for you
When it all comes boiling down, you’re the only person who is always going to look out for you and your needs. You have to protect your own happiness. You have to actively take steps to make sure you’re getting what you want out of your life and out of your relationships too. Doing this isn’t easy, but it is necessary. You’ve got to do the right thing when it comes to your safety and your wellbeing.
Once the talking and the boundary setting are done, take a step back and take stock. Is your partner working to change their domineering behavior toward you? If they can’t respect your needs, then make it clear that they aren’t needed in your life. You have a right to be respected and secure in your relationships.
It’s time for you to do the right thing for you. Ultimately, this make take the shape of leaving your partner. That is a process that takes time to enact effectively, however. Now is the moment for you to assess where you’re at and question what you really want. Is this the behavior you’re willing to accept forever — knowing you cannot change someone else? There is no sin in taking in action to protect yourself and build a happier life. Do the right thing for you and stop settling for a partner who forces you to give up a piece of yourself.
Putting it all together…
Is your intimate life becoming tense? Do you feel pressured to give in to your partner’s sexual needs — even when you’re not particularly in the mood yourself? These are signs of sexual coercion, which is a toxic way in which our partners force us to give in to their intimate demands. This behavior is poisonous and can take a serious toll on our health and happiness. Rather than settling for coercion, we have to take steps to protect ourselves and our sexual boundaries.
Clear the air for yourself. If it’s safe to do so, tell them how their behavior is affecting you and tell them how you feel about your intimacy issues. Outside of this communication, you need to set hard-and-fast boundaries for yourself and your partner. Draw the line and make it clear where that line lies for both yourself and your partner. Build a support network you can open up to, who can encourage you to take steps to safeguard your happiness and your wellbeing. Lean into your self-esteem. You have a right to be happy and respected, but you have to respect yourself before the world will treat you that way. Do the right thing for you and take action when necessary. Does your partner refuse to respect your feelings in the bedroom? It may time to take steps to separate yourself. At the end of the day, you are the one who makes the decision to pursue happiness or not.
- Jeglic, PhD, E., 2021. Understanding the Signs and Consequences of Sexual Coercion. [online] Psychology Today. Available at: <https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/protecting-children-sexual-abuse/202103/understanding-the-signs-and-consequences-sexual>
