Want me to love you in moderation?
Do I look moderate to you?
My partner Nat is a workhorse; a steady, responsible guy who takes his role in his family and in his community very seriously. But he’s also got a bit of a wild side. If he didn’t, James and I never would have met him. He was looking for us, and we were looking for him, and when we found each other there were fireworks because we’d put all moderation aside!
Want me to love you in moderation Do I look moderate to you? Want me to love you in moderation Well, who do you think you’re talking to?
Florence Welch (of Florence + the Machine) has long been one of my muses. Maybe that’s not the exact right word — but she’s one of those people who reliably puts my feelings into words, and makes me want to sing along with them. When I heard this new single the other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Moderation? What’s that, and why would I want it? Florence gets it……
Nat is my twin flame, my other life partner, one of my loves — now. But when we first got together, we met for lunch in a quiet cafe. James and I were already there and when Nathaniel walked in the door, he was coming into a situation that was fraught with unknowns. There were two of us and one of him. Would we like each other as much as we did chatting on-line? Would James get bossy or possessive? Would things fizzle at lunch or would we go on to a rendezvous? All the anxiety of a first date, except multiplied because there were three of us.
When Nat shook my hand, his was shaking, but it didn’t deter him. That’s something I’ve always admired about Nat. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. If you are going to live out loud, you have to learn how to do that — to go forward in the face of risk and uncertainty. Later, when we kissed and the rest of the world fell away, that willingness to be immoderate paid off in spades.
But that was years ago. We are still passionate about each other, but circumstances have largely gotten in the way of expressing that very often. We now live on the other side of the country from him, and work has been all consuming and a bit hellish for him lately. Nat has got his head down, just trying to make it through. He’s not ever asked me to love him in moderation, but it’s been a bit implied at times. When I heard this song, I just had to send it to him because it made me smile. There’s Flo singing my heart again….
I’ve never made it with moderation No, I’ve never understood All the feeling was all or nothing And I took everything I could Can’t hold it back, I can’t take the tension Oh, I’m trying to be good Want me to love you in moderation Well don’t you know, I wish I could
Nat knows this about me, and perhaps it’s one of the things that he loves. He just needed to be reminded, I thought, and indeed, he loved the song. I am passionate about life, passionate about love and connection. There is little that I’m moderate about any more. Why would I want that? I’ve wasted too many years living timidly. Sometimes I eat decadently; sometimes I drink too much; sometimes I crash around like a bull in a china shop in my life. I cry and swear and laugh until my sides hurt. I love those I love full out — even when it’s risky or inconvenient to do so. I’ve fought hard for this kind of life and I don’t intend to ever give it up. This joie de vivre was always there inside of me, and I just had to go find it and let it out. Now, there’s no going back!
James is my partner in crime as well as my partner in life. I love him with my whole being! Nat is my partner too, and my love for him is anything but sensible or moderate. It’s fun to remind him of that every now and then, and good to remind myself as well.
Excuse me now while I go dance around my living room and sing at the top of my lungs to Florence + the Machine.
