Satire

Wanna Be A Colossal Loser In 2024? This Will Make You Exactly That

I don’t know about you but I want to suck this year. I want to fail at all my goals.

Come this time next year, I want to be farther behind in life than I am right now.

Comfort zones are comfortable for a reason.

Who doesn’t love the couch. Netflix, I don’t even care what’s on, turn it on and let my mind drift into thoughtless soup.

I am determined to fail in 2024. I made a list of all the things I am going to do to make sure it happens.

I don’t plan to implement any discipline this year because that would work against my goal of failing at life.

The best way to make this reality come true is to write down this list and share it with you.

That way if you see me trying, or god forbid succeeding at anything you can remind me to stop.

My plan to fail spectacularly in 2024

Goals, Ha, what a joke

I am not setting any goals. Goals motivate you. Don’t get me started on how much motivation impacts your chances of losing.

I ain’t making any goals.

No writing goals, no work goals, no fitness goals, no home and family goals.

I am going to live in perfect hedonic bliss until my feet fall off from diabetic gangrene.

The last minute is the best minute

Don’t think for a second I am going to work on anything until it’s due. You want me to do lesson plans for class ahead of time?

Pfft, I will do them the day of and scramble around with construction paper and glue sticks like the Tasmanian devil.

That beach body we all want. I should be able to work that into my schedule the day before we go to the beach.

That book I want to write, yeah I can do that tomorrow.

Why would I do today what I can put off until tomorrow?

Listless bliss

I ain’t planning shit. I will wake up everyday and pull my clothes out of the dirty clothes basket. Give them the smell check and regardless of what I smell, put them on.

My wife keeps nagging me about going here and doing this. Whatever, I will be right here on the couch I got Tiks to Tok.

Plans are for winners and you can’t lose on the grand scale I plan to without never making any.

We ain’t friends

I know I am a friend of medium but we ain’t friends.

I plan on losing.

That means I do not want to be friends with any of you. I don’t even want you to read my stories.

I will alienate the friends I already have and I refuse to make any new ones.

Feedbacks for Winners

Don’t even try to tell me what I did wrong. I’m not listening.

Why would I?

I don’t want to improve. I want to get worse at everything I do. If you have any pointers on how I can perform worse by all means I might listen.

I recommend you make a movie and stream it on Netflix or send it to me on Tik Tok because otherwise I will never see it.

Don’t write it down. Reading is for winners

A fool and his money

I plan on buying everything I can get my hands on. The shinier the better. I got my sights set on some glorious and tacky status symbols.

So what if they lose their value.

They will satisfy my ego for a week or two.

I plan to liquidate my savings and max out my credit cards. Miss every note and let my score nose dive.

Meme stocks are where it’s at, I am waiting for the next Wallstreet bet hot tip.

I don’t care to be self aware

At the end of the year, I am not going to review any of the actions I made. If I am lucky I will be well on my way to divorce, financial destitution, and zero pages of my book written.

Sounds perfect!

Loser 101

If you want to follow me and fail on a grand level do each one of these steps.

Don’t criticize your behavior, Lack any consistency, work lazier or better yet quit your job.

If you plan to start a business don’t.

Businesses are for winners. You’re a loser remember?

Losing is much easier than trying to win.

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