Using Time Travel to Score Drugs

I grew up poor, and had to do without a lot of things. One of the things about being poor is the things you do have you lose easy, because you need to move a lot because you don’t own the house you live in and a point comes where you can’t afford to stay in it, so you spend a few months dodging the landlord while the landlord is trying to get you out, and then finally they get you out. And then you have to move things, you can’t afford a moving company so your parents decide what things have to be gotten rid of, and because you’re a kid your stuff has to go.

So things that other people might have sitting at their house that they can go look at and think about the time, someone who grew up poor probably only has the memory of that thing. A middle class or a rich person, their treasures of the past are here in the present — but often a poor person’s childhood treasures are only in the past.

Now I bet you’re wondering why I started in on this subject, because here I am an agent of Illuminati Ganga, and I must be doing alright. And I am doing quite well. I’m sitting here in this converted factory loft apartment with the pricey kitchen, and the olive tree in a giant earth colored pot in the walkway that opens on to the old delivery port I’ve turned into a chill out zone with the giant speakers and you would think that I would be doing alright.

And money wise I am doing great — sure my main activities are here in the Western ends of the U.S, covering California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, Arizona, Oregon and Washington and across three congruent universes in the Multiverse, so not the priciest area for my services but doing pretty great. Especially compared to how I grew up.

And yeah, recently a new director for the Illuminati Ganga American West Regional Headquarters was announced and she said that there would be some sharp curtailing of the American West criminal divisions and Assassinations teams, which is where I make my bread and butter. Not so much assassination, but crime, theft.

I love crime. I love stealing from people who have everything. I love stealing from companies. And now you think this is why I am writing this article because I’m going to whine about how I’m not going to be allowed to steal as much, and you’d be wrong — that ain’t it.

I mean I’m not that worried, Illuminati Ganga will always have a criminal division, it’s necessary. You can’t run the world, and steer it in the direction you want, if you only control the visible 10% of reality. But sure Agent 81 was named chairperson and chief torturer in the area, and she is setting an agenda more focused on memetic manipulation for the future, which is totally understandable given her background in the Memetics division and her long decades of experience constructing intricate objects holding Mana for bending the wills of weak people.

No I was standing here in my immaculate kitchen, on a Friday night, thinking there is nothing to do in this damn town and I have not gotten high in a while. And since Agent 81 also says not so many depraved office parties and such I really don’t have anywhere to go hang out and get high. And I am just feeling like I want some psychedelics.

And that’s how I thought about things I had when I was growing up but don’t have now.

No, not drugs, although my parents had a lot of drugs around theirs was mostly marijuana and cocaine, which I’m not interested in. No I mean my comic books, including my collection of Fat Freddy’s Cat and The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers Comix.

Anyway there was one panel which I did not understand as a kid but I understand now

So, thinking back on this childhood treasure and via memetic drift I envision Fat Freddy in his Speed Kills poster

opining

Drugs will get your through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no drugs

Ain’t that the truth buddy.

So here I am, alone in my big empty apartment, wanting to get high — maybe just wanting something to do — and nowhere to get drugs because all my connections are basically my criminal business partners and we’re sort of powered down a bit, temporarily.

And then it hit me, as I was thinking about poverty, and my comics being in the past, that my drugs are in the past as well. The last time I got high was at a party at headquarters, watching some crazy ass movie Agent 77 had gotten from some alternate Universe

That party had two large bowls of high quality psilocybin mushrooms mixed with acceptable quality chips. I got pretty high that night. I mean really high, saw some crazy stuff and basically knocked myself out at one point.

If I had a time machine, I could get high off those same shrooms again!

Now I don’t have a time machine, but I know someone who does, and I’m good at stealing stuff. I love it when situational needs and situational abilities dovetail so nicely.

The mind of Agent 88 of Illuminati Ganga was a strange place, at times of great danger it could shift into a hyper-rational mode, and he could make incredibly complex decisions quickly and correctly.

Of course most of the time life is not a place of great danger and at those times his mind was an untidy mixture of strange pop art, kitsch, bits of half remembered music, resentment, fractal landscapes, money, and a drive to forget his past by working out whatever dark thoughts he had at any time in constant action.

Right now his brain looked something like this

Violence, Gunfights, Explosions, LSD, Inferno Per Pochi Dollari (which is the kind of shit he loved, most people would say that doesn’t sound worth it, but going through hell for a few dollars was his prime Eastwood drive) and in the center of it all — A Time Machine.

It was also pretty funny, I mean we were monitoring him, I mean his mind. We were monitoring it as part of the dream project, which has gotten a lot of increased funding since Agent 81 was made the new director of American Regional West headquarters, a new director comes in and she has some projects she wants done and suddenly you go from having a shoddy lab down in Sacramento in an office park and then you find yourself in charge of multiple offices.

But anyway we were monitoring his mind, because 88 was a very interesting psychological study.

You see, because of this constant avoidance of rational cogitation and devotion to maintaining a natural non-rational flow, his natural mental process was very like that of someone in a pre-dream state. Where images bubble up from the fecund matter of the psyche to be turned into narrative by the rational mind, only with him the turning into narrative only ever happened at moments of danger — as I’ve said.

So of course we saw the image above in his mind, it was quite strong. Agent 119 came over to me, and whispered in her hoarse voice “What’s he doing”

“Not certain, but my opinion. Getting ready to do something stupid. You can see the Italian phrase, the violent imagery — he’s always getting that kind of stuff up when he’s going on a job.”

“But he’s not scheduled for any criminal activity until Thursday night”

“‘Yeah so he’s got a little side project, you know we allow people to use 25% of their criminal activities time on personal projects. I think he’s gonna burgle someone — famous”

“He’s an idiot”

“No, he’s actually really smart, just not in the same ways you and I are. Our intelligence tests put him at 146 on the Lee focus, and 99 on the Spencerful edge, I mean sure - the Alamin focus is under developed. I mean almost non-existent, except when he feels threatened. ”

“So who do you think he’s going to rob?”

“Well, in the center of all this is an old guy on a time machine — for some reason I guess he is going to do some scam on Christopher Lloyd”

“Who?”

“He was in a movie about time travel”

So, anyway, that’s what we thought was going on and we logged it down in the journal. Not expecting it would ever become at all interesting.

The Protervus was most often parked in the basements of the Illuminati Ganga regional headquarters, among the stolen artifacts of a thousand cultures, dead bodies en route to the chemical baths, the hissing, steaming boilers, and for some reason an unexpectedly sexy calendar on the red brick wall from a universe where the dominant life forms had evolved from Crocodiles.

The dim room was quiet, at first. I was also quiet, because it is my natural condition to move quietly in the dark. I was not exactly sure where the Protervus was — but then over on a slightly raised red podium with some gold chipped paint Chinese astrological signs carved on it I saw it standing alone, next to the antique elevator that goes down to the catacombs.

Now the question sort of popped in my head which I hadn’t considered before, being focused on the objective of quality drugs for free.

FLllȯ ọ ỏʂʂSH!! The loud sound of toilet executing its function sounded from behind the wooden wall, a door opened and an amber light from that open door set the stage. Out of the toilet that was not very easily found stepped a shortish man with slightly unkempt russet hair, gray tinged, topped by a tweed cap and wearing a brown corduroy coat that was very comfortable looking.

“Whew, those nachos came back strong!” It was Agent 99. Inevitably a disgusting miasma of ancient swamplands and death followed him into the room and began to industriously pollute the atmosphere.

I had heard the toilet flush, but I had not heard any tap water running, and the door had opened very soon after the toilet flushing. I resolved not to shake his hands if we ever met from here on in.

99 went over to the large worktable in the center of the room, was mumbling to himself and rummaging around until he found a small carnet notebook bound in oilskin and flipped it open — still mumbling “ok let’s see”.. then he stopped and read for a bit “what” then he read a bit more “oh for Christ’s sake”

Then he paused for a bit and said, quite loudly “Well I think I’m going to go out for a small walk around town, which is totally in keeping with my character, and just to keep things safe I think I will hang the keys to my time machine here on the key board behind me” He took a pair of keys and hung them up on top peg of the board “I better remember that it is the red key that turns on and off the Protervus, and the blue key that locks it in temporal stasis, the long copper key is of course not related to the Protervus and should NEVER be used even if you happen to find a keyhole in an old French castle it seems to fit!” Having told himself this he swore under his breath and turned back to the notebook.

Next he let out a deep sigh and exclaimed “WOW DID I JUST HAVE A GREAT IDEA! I will take this handy little one page guide on how to use the Protervus and leave it in the machine, so if I am ever having a ride with someone else along they will also be able to operate the machine. Fucking hooray!” This last bit sounded pretty sarcastic which struck me as weird, he’s a really weird guy, I mean who talks to themselves sarcastically?

After this he went back to the table, got his notebook, turned off the light to the toilet, mercifully closed the toilet door, and left.

I waited a few minutes for him to be really gone, and also to let me eyes adjust. Some people want to use a flashlight in situations like this but I prefer to allow my eyes adjust naturally to the darkness, especially as my eyes in darkness work very like a cat’s due to a genetic augmentation introduced in the Illuminati Ganga birthing vats.

When adjusted I adroitly went to the retrieve the keys, and then to the time machine. I read the instruction manual quickly, pretty straightforward, then I set the time and location for outside headquarters the night we all got really high watching some cheesy movie about a Football playing Turkey

This machine stinks a bit, but I guess all early technical innovations have these kinds of problems. I landed on the curb outside headquarters on ThanksGiving Day, 2022. I jumped out and then, realizing instantly that in this case I did not want to use my official id to check in or to in any way not be sneaky, I decided to find a way to climb up.

We do a lot to protecting against thieves of course, but in any case where there is a will there is a way, and I’ve always had a pretty determined will.

I had my climbing claws and was able to scurry my way up the edge of a wall where a drainpipe descended, step onto the first window close to the drainpipe on the 3rd floor (where the party was taking place) I could see inside about 100 feet away that the party was already running, there was the light blue glow of a TV screen and some people in laying around the couch and FatBoy cushions watching it.

I was going to cut a hole in the window, to reach in and open the latch, when I saw Agent 99 come in from stairs to the basement and walk across to the kitchen area. He saw me squatted on the ledge outside and nonchalantly flipped me off. Since I was holding on I didn’t make the effort to flip him off in return.

I remembered this point in the movie, it was after Agent 42 had barfed. And before Agent 9 ran out — no wait — it was after Agent 9 ran out. Very good. That means I don’t have to wait out here for him to run out. I cut a small hole in the window with my glass cutters, reached in flipped the latch and pushed the window quietly open to climb in.

Now my plan was really straightforward, I remember towards the end of the movie I went to go take a piss. And don’t remember much after that, I guess I was pretty high. So I snuck off into the bathroom which was by the Kitchen and waited for myself to make an appearance.

I didn’t have long to wait, I came stumbling into the bathroom with my pants already unzipped and fumbling for my pecker, I had just enough time for one word “Me!” before I was on top of myself. I went for a really quick loop choke and I, meaning he, was out cold.

I knew he would be out for a while and this would allow me the time to get some shrooms and leave. I figured everyone else would be too high at this point to really notice that I had changed clothes. If they did notice they’d think I threw up or pissed on myself, which to be accurate I nearly had in the tussle.

Everything copacetic I went out the party and one big bowl of shrooms that had my name on it.

When I came in everyone was pretty much out cold, the orphans on the screen in cheerful black and white were digging in to the great Roasted Turkey while a discordant and sinister theme played over the rolling credits. Agent 42 was passed out, vomit stiffening his beard, while Agent 18 had his headphones on and was spaced out probably listening to something “poetic”. Agent 77 was sitting patiently in the recliner, waiting.

I noticed right away both of the bowls of shrooms and chips were gone. This was a disaster!

“Hey”, I said nonchalantly “Where are the shrooms”

“Shrooms are done, anyway you don’t really want drugs, you.. “

“yeah I do, you’d be surprised”

“What you really want is a project something to do. I’ve got that for you”

I listened.

“Agent 9 left a bit a bit ago, in a very distraught state of mind, I am quite worried for him and assume he shall need protection. I believe he will be heading to Sarasota”

“New York?”

“Not Saratoga, Sarasota, Florida. Anyway, I got you tickets — here”

He held out an envelope.

“I guess you stole the Protervus to get here?”

“How did you know?”

“You’re significantly less fucked up than you were when you went to the bathroom a bit ago, wearing different clothes, and I heard your voice say ‘Me!’ really loud and then there was the sound of someone being taken down with brutal efficiency. Obviously you are a time traveler”

“that sounds logical, I guess”

“Good, I do my best to achieve a sense of believability in all my explanations. Where’d you park it?”

“Outside the office”

“Good idea, in case 99 saw it and realized you’d stolen his time machine”

“Right, exactly that was my theory”

“Ok well you don’t need to worry about that, I’ll take care of it. So I guess that’s it you can get your ass to Sarasota now, take this watch it is set to ring one alarm in 217 days, when that happens you can come back. Also, as a side benefit the watch interferes with mental monitoring implants of all sorts. Are you paying attention?”

This was because I was looking under pillows and furnishings to see if there were any shrooms left behind. “But I wanted to get high!”

“You wanted something to do — you have it now. But if you want some drugs there’s a guy at the airport named shrifty Eric, he’s a dirty white guy with pink dreads.Tell him ‘A Joint out of Time is better than Time out of Joint’, and he’ll hook you up”

“hey, that’s really funny you should put it on a t-shirt!”

So that was that, I didn’t score any drugs but I had the contact details of a guy named shrifty Eric and a project to focus on, what more does a guy need.

I left the offices and headed for the airport, when I went out I saw the Protervus was already gone, which immediately increased my high levels of respect for Agent 77 — that guy obviously has major managerial skills.

This report was put together from multiple sources and formatted and made presentable by Agent 86.

Taking up the suggestion of Agent 88 we have put the wise saying of Agent 77 onto a t-shirt and other items of apparel.

A Joint Out Of Time

Is Better

Than Time Out Of Joint

— ancient Illuminati Ganga Time Travelers Saying

https://iganga.creator-spring.com/listing/time-travelers-joint

To Which Agent 77 sent us a link suggesting we eat a bucket of cocks, extra crispy

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