Great Insults of Illuminati Ganga — Eat a Bucket of _____.

As you know, it is a favorite saying among the elitists of Cornell University that someone should eat a bag of dicks or in some cases suck a bag of dicks. Obviously one can imagine a well-bred, scooter riding cognoscenti holding a dainty black and white striped bag of 4 or 5 dicks in one hand as they travel around the used book stores of their downtown area, periodically sucking or eating a dick as their dietary restrictions dictate.

Illuminati Ganga, forged in the roughest environs known to humanity: The docks of Marseilles, the Quilombos of Brazil, and the backstabbing royal households of the Byzantine empire, finds daintiness in vulgarity annoying.

And thus was born the more vigorous and glorious insult of “Eat a Bucket of Cocks”

Of course in the 1800s when this insult was first bandied about by rough and rowdy roustabouts in the circuses of Anculichia the buckets that were in use were large wooden ones that were often used to pull up fresh cocks from the cold springwater wells in which they were stored. But soon the Illuminati Ganga Insultotrists realized that this was not an insulting enough image, it was too wholesome, too mouthwatering for the rich elites who might look down on the poor people drawing cocks by the bucketful from cold underground springs but secretly coveted the juicy cocks of the underclass.

Such masters of the insult as P.G. Wodehouse, and also mistresses of the Insult, like Dorothy Parker realized that while the base form of bucket of cocks was a great insult, it could be built upon to make a truly devastating put down.

Later, automation engineers working for Illuminati Ganga developed email and printing solutions using AI that could produce bucket of cocks insult variations at scale to send to many leaders of business and the political sphere.

Here, for example is the text of one of these letters sent in 2017 to a recipient who has been anonymized:

Dear Damn Turd Pol:

Please Eat a Bucket of Cocks! And just so we’re on the same page here, we’re not talking those high quality cocks you dream of constantly, NO! Not heavily lubed, thick-veined porn cocks tanned and healthy, belonging to the top stars of the only major industry still made in America for you, you don’t deserve those and no matter how much you may fantasize you wouldn’t be able to handle them if you got any.

The cocks we will be sending you are the worst of the worst, small diseased things that look like tree snails with cancer. Junkie cocks, with the veins collapsed because overuse of heroin, cocks that have been tattooed by drunken men who did not fully sanitize their needles and as a consequence there was infection and the cock that killed the man was then taken off the corpse and put in the bucket for you. Greased up, scrawny, bent cocks that went in places that one should not go unprotected and that were not properly cleaned afterwards and as a consequence, let us be clear, cocks with a bit of shit on them.

After careful evaluation our traditional wooden buckets have been replaced with cheap paper buckets more in keeping with your style, produced with the red and blue logo Slim’s Big Blocky Cock’s Delivery Service,. the delivery service that experts in the industry all agree is the worst. Please note that the bottom of these buckets are most likely slightly translucent from the grease dripping down the closely packed, disgustingly odoriferous cocks.

In the case that the cocks are not to your liking, that’s the point — you fool! But if still displeased we will be happy to send you an extra large jar of pickled cocks, put together from the cocks returned by disappointed customers. Enjoy, you cock-gobbling shithead!

Please note — a small delivery fee will be billed at time of delivery.

In conclusion — Cock the Rich and Powerful.

The article above we received at the local Illuminati Ganga headquarters in San Francisco in a plain Manila envelope, signed by IG Agent 9 who went missing some time ago after watching an evil movie about a football playing donkey or something like that.