Investigation into the Disappearance of Agent 9

As you may have heard, Our Agent 9 has disappeared. He was last seen at a screening of the cheesy so bad it’s good film Bartholomew which was instrumental in the destruction of two alternate realities and on the list of dangerous banned media.

Obviously people have been worried about him and there have been rumours that he was involved in some nasty goings on in Sarasota, Florida.

More fanciful rumours have also circulated regarding our young and resourceful agent - some people thought he was reportedly holed up somewhere in Italy drawing an extremely big graph cataloguing evil in crayon on a villa wall — others thought he ran away to South America to search for the lost kingdom of the Ayhua, legendary and immortal enemy of the Illuminati.

His absence has been noted in our Music department where Agent 19 had to work harder to make up for it — for example in these recent posts

Recently we received an article about a bit of Illuminati Ganga historical trivia that was evidently sent by Agent 9 (although who can be sure, it might have been a prank)

Which we should note is not normally his type of thing at all to write. At the bottom of that article we noted

The article above we received at the local Illuminati Ganga headquarters in San Francisco in a plain Manila envelope, signed by IG Agent 9 who went missing some time ago after watching an evil movie about a football playing donkey or something like that.

Which got an angry response from IG Agent 77, as follows:

Hey, jerks, I guess this confirms you don’t actually read through my articles but if you did then you would know from reading my tips on parties article that Agent 9 dropped by my house, which by the way is not cool, and took off with our esteemed colleague Agent 99, who is in no way an idiot who I hope ends up getting shot in some alternate timeline.

Which is quite rude, our response to Agent 77 — Eat a Bucket of Cocks.

Reading through Agent 77’s recent article

we found this exchange between him and Agent 9:

“How do you know where the hell I live”

“That’s a long story, involving Sarasota”

“Aw fuck, listen I gotta throw out these perverts” gesturing to the wheelbarrow “accompany me, skip the long story, and just tell me why you’re here”

Which there has been some recent notable psychic and other forms of extranormal phenomena in the area of Sarasota, Florida so this is probably truthful.

It is somewhat unnerving to think of Agent 9 cut lose from the organization, and on his own. Ok, theoretically he is under the eye of Agent 99 but as we know, from a long line of minor infractions and warnings, 99 is not the most precise agent when it comes to matters of protocol.

The background of Agent 9 is of course the source of our unease in this matter.

Agent 9 was, like most members of Illuminati Ganga, not born into the order, in fact he was part of a family of Flying Thrill Circus Performers

Life was pretty good in the Thrill Circus, even though it was the early 1990s and crack was everywhere, which frequently caused the young patriarch of the Thrill Circus to have to clean up the area around the popcorn concessions with force!

But after a decade of cracking skulls and pulling high-flying stunts Crack was defeated

Success in the war on Crack achieved our young patriarch naturally began to think of raising a family, and 9 months later, in the year 2000, Agent 9 was born.

His early life was uneventful, just typical Thrill Circus stuff, but tragedy struck one day when a vengeful cracketeer, recently released from prison, snuck an exploding tennis ball into the act’s high-flying tennis game

Agent 9 who was on the ground eating cotton candy and wearing his big sister’s castoffs because his circus family was too poor to afford gender coded clothing of the time, saw his whole family die.

Illuminati Ganga when we heard about the tragedy of course took the young orphan in, assuming that we would be able to mold his young mind into being a ruthless assassin bringing vengeance to crack dealers, or anyone we suggested was somehow connected to crack dealing

But despite lots of assassination courses and reading a large cross section of the old Loompanics Unlimited catalog of books to him at bedtime

The child was a dreamer and disdained the practical parts of the Illuminati Ganga organization, devoting his time to music and alternate reality exploration via psychedelics.

Also it turned out the whole Crack epidemic was a racist operation by the American government, so that was embarrassing.

If you were to go to Agent 9's rooms in the IG compound in the secluded mountains of Nepal you would find it filled mainly with comic books and vinyl records gathered from various parts of the Multiverse.

As a consequence most sanctioned hits, Crack-related or not, were taken by Agents 6, 99, and 140.

Agent 9 when he reached his age of majority was of course duly sworn into the order, moved to San Francisco and began working with the DJs of Evil where his knowledge of musical probability and time slippage across the multiverse proved extremely useful. He has as yet, as far as we know, performed no sanctioned or unsanctioned hits under the auspices of Illuminati Ganga.

If you see Agent 9 please notify Illuminati Ganga immediately