Unlock Your True Values to Empower Your Life

What you believe are your values, may not be your true values

When you know your true values, you open the door to a powerful way of living and developing your best life.

The values that you have grown up with, the ones derived from your environment, upbringing, culture, or religion may not be the values that are true to your heart. These are values that you were conditioned with as you grew up. Your true values are the ones that mean the most to you and shape the person you are.

Establishing your true values will take some deep self-reflection but doing the hard work provides a great foundation for your personal development and self-confidence.

What are values and why are they important?

How are you making your decisions and judgments?

Whether you realize it or not, the decisions and judgments you make are based on your values. Values are the standards that you hold dear, the rules to live your life by. They are not just how you feel you should behave; they are also the standards you expect from others.

As a child developing into an adult, you will have picked up beliefs based on the opinions and behavior of the people in your environment. This would be your parents or guardians, siblings, extended family, community, authority figures, culture, and religion. All of these will have influenced your thinking in some way and some of your values will be formed from those influences.

As an adult, we get to decide which values we keep and which we let go of. But how much consideration do we give to this decision?

The problem with values

When I was in the education system, I cannot recall learning anything about the importance of knowing your values.

Had I been encouraged to spend time as a young adult considering my true values and using them to set healthy boundaries, I may well have made some better life choices.

I take issue with articles online that provide a list of potential values that you can choose from.

I don’t think this is a great idea. It’s okay but I feel that this type of list is likely to appeal to your ego, whereas your true values are already in your heart.

Even ‘Atomic Habits’ writer James Clear includes a list of values to choose from on his website.

To me, these lists are better used for values that you work on adopting as part of your personal development process. In other words, values that would like to have.

First, you need to establish your true core values.

Uncovering your true values

I love spending time with family and close friends. These times provide me with great memories and remembering them lifts my mood.

I get mildly irritated, but not angry, when people are late for meetings with me. Rarely am I late for anything, in fact, I am so keen on being on time, I am early.

These are great clues to my values, and I have self-reflected on both examples.

When I was growing up, I had a deep desire to fit in. Being a shy introvert, I just wanted to be part of ‘my tribe’ but never quite found it. When I spend time now with family and friends, I fit in. I have my tribe. My heart wants to belong, it wants connection. My value here is Connection. I value connection with people I love being with.

In the second example, my value is around punctuality. I am on time, so I like others to be on time too. Looking deeper into this, I ask, is this part of that same wanting to fit in and be accepted? Sort of. If people are regularly late rather than just once due to traffic, etc, then that is disrespectful. If you accept me, you should respect me.

My two true values here would seem to be Connection and Respect. These feel right for me and that’s important. Your values need to feel like they are part of your make-up. This is why I do not feel that picking from a list is the best way, helpful though it may be.

You can see how self-reflection helps to uncover the true value.

Step 1 — Self-Reflection

When you are ready to uncover your true values, take a notebook or journal and find somewhere quiet to sit and reflect.

1. Write down the things that make you really happy

Think about the things you do that really mean a lot to you. This could be, walking in nature, being with loved ones, or travelling, for example.

You might want to close your eyes, breathe deeply and slowly and then write down anything that comes to mind.

2. Write down the moments most filled with purpose

These are the times that you not only felt happy, but you also felt fulfilled too. This could be connected to your work or achievements. It could also be finding your life partner.

3. What annoys you?

I gave the example of people being late for meetings. Another example might be people talking over you or interrupting another conversation.

Write down the things that annoy you.

4. What were the moments when you felt deflated?

There will have been times in your life when you felt let down by something or someone.

Write these down too.

5. What stories do you love?

What types of stories do you love? Maybe where the hero always does the right thing (integrity, courage).

Maybe stories where the loser finds a way to win (persistence, perseverance).

Step 2 — Go Deeper and Analyze

Go through what you have written. What jumps out at you?

Ask yourself why you feel the way you do about each of these.

What values can you pull out?

For example, if you have written down that you love walking in nature. What is it about nature that you love? What is the strongest word that comes up for you from your heart? Put your hand on your heart and ask your heart for that word. You may hear, feel, or see something like peace, freedom or beauty.

What word comes from your heart when you think about the thing that annoys you? Disrespect? Rudeness? Your values could then be Respect or Compassion maybe.

Step 3 — Your 5 True Values

Write down 5 words that represent your true values. You may have more than 5. In this case, pick out the words that seem to pull at your heart more than any others. If you have less than 5, that’s OK too. You may come up with others later.

How do you feel when you say these words? What do they feel like for you?

When you have your true values, have a go at writing personal statements for each one.

The values from my example of Respect and Connection would be:

I value respect. I show people respect and expect the same respect back.

I value connection. I love to spend time with family and friends as they mean so much to me.

Step 4 — Keep Your List

Keep your list somewhere safe and use it to help with making decisions. It can also be useful to refer to at times when you feel annoyed about something. Ask yourself which of your values was stepped over at that time.

Summary

Knowing your true values will help you to learn a lot about yourself.

Why do you get annoyed at certain times and what things make you really happy?

Your values also give you a great basis for setting boundaries and I will cover this in another article.

You may also enjoy reading: