Understanding the Volatile Dynamics Of the Narcissistic Family

Once you see the patterns, you can make a plan to protect yourself.

by E.B. Johnson

I was thirty-years-old before I truly understood the twisted dynamics of my narcissistic family. Controlled in many ways by my mother — a covert, or vulnerable narcissist — we were a miserable group of people who could neither trust nor connect with one another.

Anger is the only emotion I really remember being expressed growing up…that and grief.

We were a household drenched in extremes, and I often felt like I was lost in the middle of it. Volatile doesn’t even seem like the right word to describe the experience. And for those who grew up in narcissistic families, you will know the experience well.

There’s no one clear, straight path in this kind of dysfunctional clan. Quite the opposite. The extremes are apparent, and the punishments are severe. You never know what side of the aisle you’re going to land on in the narcissistic family. That’s why it takes decades of recovery to get yourself into a stable place of peace.

The toxic dynamics of the narcissistic family.

Narcissistic families are different animals. Far more than simply “toxic” or “dysfunctional”, these families are marked by distinctive dynamics that leave members marked with unhappiness, low self-esteem, and twisted beliefs about self, the world, and relationships.

Sibling triangulation

One of the most prominent damaged dynamics of the narcissistic family usually exists between the siblings. Thanks to the power structures and inherent nature of narcissistic families, siblings are often positioned against one another in tragic games of triangulation. All is done to prevent unity and, therefore, a disruption of power in the current family setup.

Major secret-keeping

Secrets are a must in the narcissistic family. Toxic emotional dynamics means mental and emotional abuse become common. Walking on eggshells, families get convinced to keep secrets — all in the name of protecting the wrong behaviors being perpetrated behind closed doors. Secret-keeping is one of the primary mechanisms through which we can identify the narcissist’s knowledge of their wrongdoing, too.

Zero communication

Healthy and effective communication cannot exist in the narcissistic family. For that to exist, there must be a foundation of empathy, emotional integrity, and a general willingness to lift one another up. In narcissistic families, that’s not how dynamics work. No one is emotionally honest, and no one can be accountable. Meaningful communication is non-existent.

Strange arrangements

One of the markedly different dynamics in a narcissistic family is that of the abuser-enabler. Most families find themselves topped by at least one all-powerful narcissist and their enabler (the person who makes all the excuses and does all the gaslighting). In many cases, these role players can also switch places — with the enabler becoming an abuser and the primary narcissist becoming the person who empowers them.

Intense enmeshment

Narcissistic families are also defined by their intense enmeshment. There are no boundaries in the narcissistic family other than the ones the narcissist chooses to set for themselves. Everyone else is expected to be an open book and is expected to expose themselves (emotionally) whenever commanded. To the narcissist, everyone around them is an accessory. They don’t get privacy or boundary lines.

No emotional closeness

Because there is no emotional trust or integrity in a narcissistic family, there is very little emotional closeness. The abusers on top triangulate family members against one another. Isolation from the rest of the family (or even friends and coworkers) makes sure that everyone involved is even more shut off and shut down from one another — always fearing punishment and retribution.

Total dysfunction

Dysfunction is the general rule of a narcissistic family. Nothing works as it should. No one is able to communicate openly. Needs go ignored. Everyone but the narcissist is forced to deny themselves, and conflict is the primary channel through which emotions are expressed. Roles are cast and acting outside of those roles (even if they don’t fit) will get you punished or alienated.

Constant demeaning

Secrets aren’t the only way a narcissist keeps their victims in line. They also demean those around them in order to keep self-esteem low. Your narcissistic parent or partner needs you to gaslight yourself as much as they gaslight you, and doing that means you have to doubt the very core of who you are as a person. That’s why narcissistic families work hard to break their offspring down.

Paranoid messaging

Paranoia is also rampant in the narcissistic family, and it becomes a dynamic that is passed down through the generations. Narcissists know what they’re doing is wrong, and they are also terrified of being publicly exposed. With already low bases of self-esteem, they see everyone around them as competition or a threat. That pessimism becomes a part of messaging in every aspect of the family system.

Perfection obsession

So many narcissistic parents build their family around a superficial image. They want to project a specific image in order to be accepted, loved, whatever the goal is. A family created by a narcissist is done so to feed their ego and their need for external validation. They have an obsession with projection, and it can turn into pseudomutuality (a projection of closeness with a reality of alienation behind closed doors).

How to protect yourself.

The majority of my clients come to me in various stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Some have cut ties with their family and run. Others are still finding their feet or making sense of their new realizations. In all cases, however, they want answers. Namely, they want to know how to protect themselves from narcissistic abuse in the future.

Surface answer: it’s a process. You were conditioned (over a long period) by your narcissistic family to deny yourself and your experiences. It can take just as long to come to a place of self-acceptance.

Recovering yourself from narcissistic family abuse is no small thing. You must break the cycle by:

• Building self-esteem
• Creating new boundaries
• Identifying core needs
• Designing authentic reactions
• Increasing emotional intelligence

You may be someone who can only undergo that process by going no-contact. Maybe not. Everyone’s journey through the above steps is different, but they are a necessary part of recovering ourselves from narcissistic abuse. It’s how we uncover the strength to be resilient against narcissistic family in future.

Families aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. No relationships are really like that. They are complex and dynamic, and that’s certainly true for the narcissistic family — who is more broken and twisted than most can even imagine.

Recovering from the lessons you were taught by a narcissistic parent isn’t easy. Their emotional immaturity creates scars that run deep, and can leave us reeling through our adulthood in relationships, success, and wellbeing.

All the same, finding a path to stable ground is a must. Breaking ourselves out of survival mode, finding the courage to love ourselves, that is how we get back on track and away from the paranoia and the self-doubt we’ve been conditioned to create and accept.

Know that you deserve more than the toxic legacy your narcissistic family left you. Understand that there is a better way to live, and that you can learn how to break out of the cycles of pain you inherited. It takes a major commitment, though, not only to yourself but to a better way of living.

It’s time for you to learn how to be yourself…wildly and unapologetically. Step out of your family’s shadow. A whole wide world of opportunity is waiting to love you.

© E.B. Johnson 2022