Two Love Stories: One Marriage
Lessons learned from a platonic relationship that changed the course of my life
Meet “Joe”:
I am a year into a new job, after leaving my previous employer for nearly twenty years — and in doing so, leaving my friend “Joe”.
When I began the new job, Joe and I texted daily. The daily texts became weekly, and now weekly has become monthly. Sometimes it hits me, like today, how much I miss our dynamic.
We had each other’s back — and we could also call each other out, even though we rarely disagreed.
On the rare occasion that we disagreed, it would be like fireworks — an explosion of attitude, for which we’d each apologize and hear each other out, come to a compromise, and move forward. A text resolution to any argument.
The relationship was confusing at times, especially when my marriage was struggling. Joe provided emotional support that I should have received from my husband. It was also his advice that helped to save my marriage.
Joe and I shared a platonic relationship that redefined friendship for me.
Joe was my confidant. My trusted person and if all went to hell again, I know I could reach out and he’d be there for me, without question.
Distance and time is driving space between us; however, I will always hold him and our relationship close to my heart.
There are some people who step into our lives and leave a mark, truly for the better, for me — Joe is one such person.
The Relationship.
I didn’t thrive in my old job because of my position and my skills in relation to it, I thrived because of Joe’s presence and his encouragement. I know this because of how much I struggle in his absence, in particular for navigating the first year of change.
Having the opportunity to spend the majority of your waking hours with someone you trust with utmost certainty is such a gift. Stepping away from this job, it was Joe and our relationship I knew that I would miss most.
We made a great team.
Our bond — remarkable, to us and everyone in the organization. One of my staff called me out on it — thinking there was something “more” going on, which had me take a step back.
The depth of our trust and loyalty confused some, which speaks to the significance of these attributes in a strong relationship. When trust and loyalty resonate from every angle and situation — that says a lot.
I wish I had experienced a friendship like I had with Joe earlier in life. Such an experience would have redirected my trajectory because I would have understood what unwavering support really looked — and felt — like.
Years in the Making.
Our relationship didn’t form overnight, it was many years in the making.
I don’t even know the turning point exactly; however, there were a few pivotal moments that strengthened our bond, affirming what had grown over the years.
The birth of my first child.
When my first child was born, to my surprise, Joe showed up to the hospital.
I remember the exact moment: seeing him in the hallway, holding a gift bag in one hand, and me walking with a warm blanket in tow trying to ease pain from 28 hours of back labour. Warm emotions that came over me.
His arrival such a pleasant surprise.
Before this moment, I wouldn’t say our relationship was remarkable.
Although the birth of a child is a monumental milestone, from my perspective, our relationship didn’t warrant such an action. At the time, I was appreciative, and very surprised, by this incredible act of kindness and generosity.
It took more than a year for the depth of my gratitude for Joe’s actions, specific to attending the birth of my first born, to truly sink in. It’s a memory that has stayed in my heart — which tells me how instrumental this moment was in strengthening our bond.
Death.
When a coworker lost their spouse, over a short battle with cancer, I found myself in the arms of Joe. Joe offered me a safe physical and emotional space as I grieved for our colleague’s sudden loss.
I remember the location and significance of the emotion when I fell into his arms.
Tears filled my eyes. The significance of this moment — the contrasting perspective of pain from the situation and the instantaneous comfort I felt leaning into Joe, even for such a brief moment.
The further contrast — when another coworker put their arm around my shoulder to comfort me later during that same day and I immediately flinched away.
In fact, years prior I had done the same to Joe when he put his arm on my shoulder and I unconsciously jumped, surprising both of us.
Joe apologized for inappropriately moving into my personal space — and we both carried on, like nothing happened.
We respected each other.
We understood each other, like no one else.
Pregnant with my second child.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I told Joe before telling my husband.
We were at work and I had headed to the nearby medical clinic on my lunch to confirm my suspicions (I never trusted a home pregnancy test).
When I returned to the office, Joe picked up on a subtle comment that I made about the following year’s budget and I couldn’t lie to him.
Poor Joe had to keep this secret for months! Asking a friend to keep a secret like that, and them successfully doing so, says a lot about trust and loyalty.
Surgery, hospitalization and a stressed marriage.
Before I had major surgery and was set to take an extended leave from work, it was their eyes I looked into. I stumbled over my words and they tried to reassure me. There was so much I wanted to say in that moment and couldn’t.
I froze.
I recall expressing how I didn’t want to be “that girl” who put the burden of their relationship on another guy.
It wasn’t the surgery that was paralyzing me, it was knowing that in addition to the surgery, my husband would not be there for me in the way I needed him to be — and I think Joe knew this.
I think we both wanted to say more that day. Instead, in honouring each of our marriages, we didn’t.
After I had complications from the surgery and was readmitted to hospital, it was their text that reminded me how much support I had from those beyond my family — and if my marriage were to fall apart, things would still be okay.
I still feel a pit, knowing how my abrupt my message to say “no visitors” landed. They extended their heart and kindness, and I just shut the door.
Weak. It was all I could muster as some form of response.
I felt that I owed at least that much to him — meanwhile, I was hemorrhaging and vomiting severely.
While being incredibly ill, I still felt the need to respect our friendship with some form of a response. I imagine if I had not sent the message, Joe would have arrived at the hospital in a few hours — tending to my recovery more than my husband.
A child’s death and more marriage stress.
Then, there was the time that I had a child’s funeral to attend.
Joe asked if my husband would be attending with me. I shared, “he doesn’t understand why he should attend when he didn’t know the child or family impacted.”
Joe simply responded, “he should be there for you.”
When I left work for the service, Joe checked in — again — and sent a message later in the day to see how I was doing.
He knew I was in pain. Through he actions, I knew he cared and that someone was there for me as I tried to be their for another family experiencing an unimaginable loss.
It’s funny the details you recall from certain relationships, which speaks to the how much one person has the ability to impact another.
Unexpected Gifts
I never knew what it was like to be put first in a relationship and this the gift Joe gave me.
Joe taught me that I am worthy of love and deserve to have those who care for me demonstrate their love with action.
Joe encouraged me to speak up about my marriage and gave me the courage to navigate difficult conversations.
He taught me not settle.
He taught me to see things through to a resolve where I truly put myself first in my marriage when situations and circumstances warranted.
He taught me that it was not too late for me — and my marriage.
You might be wondering about my marriage.
We make a pretty fabulous team. That is undeniable.
I used to think that my husband had a lot of growing up to do. The reality was that he needed to grieve and was struggling to deal with trauma.
I won’t share his story in a public space, I respect him too much; however, thanks to Joe I learned how to be present, kind and patient.
I learned when and why it was time to put my husband first, regardless of the adversity I was experiencing.
And, I learned how to communicate my needs as a part of the team to contribute equally and not as an opposing member.
So often relationships focus on the aspects that are absent rather than embracing the goodness, strength and each other.
So often people in relationship neglect to acknowledge the journey that each individual and the team are taking; it’s neither one or the other and always a combination.
Both my husband and I had quietly been hoping the other person would change, when we needed to spend more time looking inwards.
We both wasted so much time pointing fingers at each other and not realizing, as we did, three were pointing back at us.
Rather than wasting our energy on things we could not control, like the actions of the other, we focused on facing our own demons.
We realized the strength of our foundation — that of our uncompromising shared values.
Uncompromising values is a remarkable foundation for a relationship.
We also learned how to respectfully communicate our individual needs and needs from the relationship.
Takeaways
Marriages take work and personal accountability. It’s a journey and the journey is very different for everyone.
Some marriages don’t work for good reason. Others, like mine, go through turbulence — as is a part of life.
There are so many specific situations that arose as my friendship with Joe developed that could have “been enough” to toss in the towel for my marriage.
I imagine some persons reading this may have been thinking, “what the f*ck is wrong with this ‘man’?”
Some might say the scenarios were “deal breakers.”
However, I knew enough to respect my husband and my personal differences and to champion, after my own personal growth, what I needed from my marriage.
I believed in us — and he believe in me. And, together, we also believed in each other.
It has been far from easy.
If I met Joe before my marriage, I would not have taken the same journey — which would not have taught me empathy in the capacity I can now say that I have been so fortunate to experience.
Whether the love you experience is the result of a marriage or friendship, including a platonic relationship, put your best effort to remove external influence — avoid comparing your relationship to others.
Each relationship is one-of-a-kind: show the relationship the respect it deserves by meaningfully acknowledging its uniqueness.
Lastly, know the type of love that is possible — and that you are worthy of a love that is respectful, and exudes kindness and compassion.
Reflect on your own needs for a relationships, and also how you will contribute to the needs of others.
Show up in relationships with the same level of respect you are wanting in return.
All relationships have one law. Never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there. — Unknown
Looking to read an inspiring article on loyalty and trust? Donnette Anglin asks Are true friends more about loyalty than honesty? She shares with relationships require both. Read her article here:
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