Turns Out IKEA Porn Is a Thing

I love IKEA. I love porn. This is promising.

I never heard of IKEA growing up.

I didn’t live near one. No one I knew had any IKEA furniture. I never laid eyes on the catalog.

I was just a girl in a small Canadian town where everyone’s furniture either came from Walmart or overpriced stores that called themselves furniture warehouses.

When I left home and dragged my boyfriend to college, we loaded our cat and whatever possessions we could in my sky blue sedan and headed off to a fresh start.

That fresh start led to another, and after four years, I was loading my baby into his car seat and we were heading out of province so my husband could attend grad school.

We were moving into a townhouse, only it was unfurnished and we didn’t have a lot of the basics.

I looked into my options and I hated most of them. All the furniture was either cheap and ugly or nice and way out of our price range.

We were living on student loans and a slim stipend from the university my husband was attending, so there was really no way for us to splurge.

I know, I know. The housewife who loves IKEA is such a giant cliche. But discovering IKEA was a breath of fresh air for me. I got excited about my new place because I could furnish it in an aesthetically pleasing way that fell into my budget.

Besides, I never said I was classy, okay?

With just a few minimalist, compact, and colorfully designed items, I could finally live in a place that really felt like it was mine.

I even loved shopping at IKEA. I liked getting lost in the showrooms, wandering around and imagining all the different ways I could decorate my home.

Everything was so clean, sleek, and bright. I felt soothed and a little inspired.

I never really thought of fucking in an IKEA, but then I came across a porn film called I Fucking Love IKEA and it instantly became a fantasy of mine.

Furniture Foreplay

I Fucking Love IKEA is directed by Erika Lust, as part of her Xconfessions series. It’s inspired by a submission from a fan, LanaY, who fantasizes about making a man assemble IKEA furniture for her and then she fucks him. And Lust turns on her camera and brings her fantasy to life.

So, this wasn’t fucking inside an IKEA, which is a shame, but I could get behind the premise.

There’s something nice about watching someone assemble IKEA furniture. It’s all done with hand tools, manual strength, and finesse.

I’ve got a thing for strong hands and forearms. And watching someone put together flat-packed furniture means watching them grip, push, and flex for the entire duration.

It even makes a not-so-handy guy like my husband look a little bit stronger and more powerful. At least, until I realize he got one of the pieces on upside-down, he scratched part of the surface, and he somehow managed to jab a hole where there wasn’t one. (In fairness, that last bit does make him look a little stronger, but it also makes him seem like an oaf, which negates the turn-on.)

All in all, though, it’s still nice to watch him decipher the instructions and see it all come together.

So, I was ready for this short film. Combining IKEA and porn just seemed like a brilliant idea.

Sadly, it didn’t quite live up to my fantasy.

The movie was fine. It had some good action in it. And my husband and I got a few good laughs out of watching Carol Vega and Christian Frei fuck on a pile of IKEA instructions and hearing the crinkle of those large blue reusable bags throughout the scenes.

It was dialog-free and mostly quiet, which is a shame. The editing was also a bit jarring — it would move from action shot to action shot without a whole lot of transition.

The thing with Xconfessions films in general is that I find them better for getting aroused than for actually getting off to. It’s almost like a softcore film with hardcore sex: fine to set the mood and get me going a little, but it doesn’t have the kind of sustained action I like to actually get off to.

It was decent and got me a bit horny (or was it Mr. Austin rubbing my hips that did it?) but it left me wanting more.

So, I went to Pornhub, searched for IKEA porn, and discovered a few different adventurous amateurs.

A Little Too Risky if You Ask Me

I skipped over the videos of women very briefly flashing in IKEA. I didn’t watch any that seemed to have a lot of gagging. But even after knocking those out, I still had four videos left to watch.

I learned very quickly that there’s only so much you can do in an IKEA during store hours. Almost all of the action takes place in the bathroom showroom. Specifically, in the fake shower with the curtain closed.

Most of the videos are also very blowjob-centric, with a little bit of flashing thrown in. That’s alright, but it did make me want more variety. The best of the bunch at least had some penetrative sex, which I appreciated.

And as you can probably imagine, it’s all very clandestine. It happens in tight corners, with a bit of shaky action. Most of the blowjobs are interrupted almost as soon as they start (with some exceptions), with the guy quickly tucking his dick back in his pants while trying to act casual.

And that gets to what made it hard for me to really get into these videos, no matter how cool I thought it would be to fuck in an IKEA. It’s just too risky.

I can understand the thrill that you might get caught (I’ve fucked outdoors before, after all), but midday in an IKEA the risk-to-thrill ratio is way off. You can tell the amateurs making the video are nervous, which made me nervous. They were distracted and constantly on the lookout, so they weren’t quite into what they were doing, which made it hard for me to get into what they were doing.

One video did feature a cute girl who managed to jerk, suck, and fuck for a while without looking worried. But it was a cheat. She was fucking in the parking garage outside an IKEA, not in the actual store, and that’s just not what I clicked on the video for.

And so, in about the span of an hour, I discovered IKEA porn, got excited about IKEA porn, and fell out of love with IKEA porn.

IKEA Porn Done Right

IKEA porn was disappointing, but I still think there’s something to the fantasy. I love IKEA. I love porn. I’m not willing to believe there’s no good way to combine the two.

My vision for an IKEA porn film would involve either an IKEA after hours, free of customers, or a very believable IKEA studio set.

I would love to see different scenes playing out in different areas of the showroom. I don’t need a storyline — I just need some cute people to make use of as many beds, chairs, and pieces of furniture as they can.

They could fuck in the display kitchen, surrounding by a sea of tables and chairs.

They could fuck in the fake bathrooms without having to hide behind the shower curtain — just fuck on the sink with reckless abandon.

They could defile some office desks and any number of chairs.

And I’d get to fully enjoy it, knowing that every part of the set looked fucking great.

When you look at it through a pervy eye, an IKEA showroom is basically a big, sprawling sex playground. It’s just a shame no one’s managed to use it that way and leave us the videos as evidence.

As far as porn search terms go, IKEA was a one-off. I don’t think I’ll be typing it into Pornhub or any other site again.

I’m not going to hold my breath for some better videos to come out. And I’m not wild and carefree enough to seduce an IKEA manager so I can get off in the store after hours. But if someone makes a decent IKEA porn film, I’ll be the first in line to watch it.

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