Trouble Getting Her Off? Try Going Slower

Fast fingers and tongue might not be what she needs

A couple of years ago, I hit a sexual roadblock. In a matter of months, I had gone from being a woman who struggled with premature orgasms to one who had a hard time climaxing at all.

Sex felt like a gamble. It could end in a powerful, deeply satisfying, leg-shaking orgasm. Or it could end with me wanting to throw my vibrator across the room in frustration.

I would get close to a climax, but always stay on the edge of one. I was desperate to get off but had no idea how.

Even my husband’s best moves weren’t as reliable as they used to be.

He stimulated me with admirable persistence. He went down on me for so long I was sure he’d wake up with a sore neck the next morning. He would rub my pussy longer than I would’ve even bothered to rub it.

Nothing. Just more frustration. More time spent just at the edge of an orgasm that taunted and teased me.

Instead of ending sex because I couldn’t handle any more orgasms, I had to call it because I didn’t want to keep trying.

I lost sleep over it. Partly because I was pent up and incapable of getting a release. But also because I couldn’t stop trying to work out a solution.

I couldn’t have just lost my ability to come out of the blue. So, I started experimenting.

I tried stronger vibrators, turning them up higher than I normally did. That made things worse. I still couldn’t come, but now I had to deal with having a sore pussy on top of it.

My clit was too sensitive to handle that much stimulation. It dawned on me that this could’ve been the problem all along. After being stimulated for close to an hour, my sensitive clit felt worn out and not in the mood to sprint to the finish line.

So, I told my husband to avoid touching my clit until we got to the end.

That worked — but it sucked.

I can come from penetrative play. But all the G-spot orgasms in the world can’t make up for really intense, satisfying clitoral climaxes.

And I missed getting teased and stimulated with vibrators. I missed the back-to-back orgasms I got when my clit was being touched the right way. Most of all, I missed getting my pussy eaten.

I got sick of that devil’s bargain real quick. I went back to the drawing board, ruminating over the problem until I figured out a better way.

The solution turned out to be extremely simple. I just needed to get my husband to touch my clit more slowly.

Make Adjustments in the Right Direction

There are two things you can vary when you’re having trouble getting her off. You can adjust the speed of the stimulation or change the amount of pressure you’re applying to her pussy with your fingers or tongue.

A lot of men will do that, but many of them will do it in the wrong direction.

When their gal is on the edge of an orgasm, their default assumption is that they should go harder and faster to get her over the edge, especially if she’s having trouble.

Sometimes, that’s genuinely what she needs. You give her all the hard, vigorous stimulation you can and she ends up coming like crazy and praising you for your skills.

But in a lot of cases, women struggling to come need you to go softer and especially slower.

And I mean, really slow. Slower than what you consider slow.

When I asked my husband to try going more slowly, he did. But I had to keep reiterating it because his version of slow still wasn’t slow enough.

So, keep checking in with her. Ask her if she wants you to go even slower than you’re going. Ask her if she would like you to apply less pressure. If you give her exactly what she needs, there’s a good chance she’ll be able to finally hit that climax you’ve been working her up to.

Buildup Matters More Than You Realize

Going slowly can make a huge difference because it creates a buildup of pleasure that affects how good your tongue and especially your fingers feel on her pussy.

I’ve always loved a slow buildup to sex and fooling around, but I didn’t have a clue how important it was until fairly recently.

I loved that going slowly let me experience sexual tension, even after we had started fooling around.

I was really into the anticipation, the teasing, and the breathless feeling I got from being so thoroughly turned on.

What I didn’t realize is that there were also physical aspects to it.

I knew that it got me wet, and that being wet would make penetrative play easier and more comfortable. But there’s more to it than that.

The slow stimulation and the buildup it creates also results in tenting. That’s when the vagina expands and lengthens after full arousal. It moves the cervix out of the way so she can enjoy penetration with less discomfort.

Then there’s blood flow. Getting the blood rushing to her pussy means that she’ll be able to enjoy the stimulation more and it will help her come more easily.

Those are arguably more important than being wet. A bit of lube or spit can help when she’s dry, but it won’t help with the fact that not enough blood has rushed to her pussy yet.

Getting her body prepped makes a huge difference. I’ve had a guy try to finger me when I wasn’t properly aroused and his fingers tapping my G-spot felt so uncomfortable I had to put a stop to it.

It’s the same with the clit. Going at it hard or vigorously before it’s been warmed up is likely to overstimulate her, no matter how much lube or spit is involved.

It’s hard to come back from that kind of overstimulation. Personally, it leaves my clit feeling numb and it makes it really difficult for me to get off at all. And if I do finally get to come, the orgasm is never as powerful or as satisfying.

But you can avoid that by rubbing her pussy slowly — at least until she’s ready for something more.

Slow and Soft Doesn’t Lead to Weak Orgasms

I think another reason guys like to go fast and hard is that they imagine that stronger stimulation will result in a stronger orgasm.

But that hasn’t been my experience, and I know that plenty of women are in the same boat.

For me, a longer buildup is part of what gives me really intense orgasms. When the pleasure is increasing steadily and it doesn’t feel rushed, my orgasm doesn’t feel rushed either.

In fact, some of my biggest ones have been the result of pussy massages. After 30 minutes of slow stimulation, my husband will give me a happy ending that makes me come for so long I sometimes wonder if I’m really experiencing back-to-back orgasms.

Sometimes, slow stimulation will give me weaker orgasms. But so will going fast and hard. There are so many factors involved in creating a massive orgasm but for a lot of women extra speed isn’t one of them.

Explore Her Body

If she knows what gets her off, all you have to do to help her come is ask her and listen to what she says.

If she wants you to go harder, go harder. If she needs you to touch her more slowly, then go slow — like, real slow.

But the thing is, she might not actually know what gets her off. Even though I had been having sex for more than ten years and masturbating for even longer, I didn’t know exactly what kind of stimulation I needed to come. And when I hit a wall and couldn’t climax, I didn’t have a clear idea of what I needed to get over it.

If she’s not sure how to get over the edge and come, it’s time to get experimental. Try a few things out and find out which ones work.

Your first move should always be to slow things down. If that doesn’t work, you can always pick up the pace and intensify the stimulation to get her off.

But if you start by going fast and overstimulate her, she might end up too numb to come even if you dial it down.

So slow down, rub her right, and help her have the satisfying orgasm she’s craving.

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