LGBTQIA+

Trans Men Deserve Care Down There

Lower dysphoria in a faulty cis-tem

Since coming out trans, I’ve discovered that people are often bold in their assumptions and their questions. Sometimes, questions turn up in comments that have very little to do with the article. A few days ago, I came across a one-month-old comment that I completely missed. I began responding but quickly realized it needed more unpacking and more discussion because though the question was not directly related to the article, it was an opportunity to educate and share on several levels. And it was an opportunity to explore my own trigger.

So, I Prompted an Interesting Comment

The article I’m referring to was a short, two-minute read. It was a quick reflection on the fact that I married and divorced a cishet man while neither of us had any idea I was trans. I was in a heteronormative passing relationship because I didn’t know I was queer. Here’s the full article for your reference.

The commented question I received went down the path that a lot of uncomfortable conversations around being trans take:

physicality/physiology/biology.

Having said that, the question was asked with authenticity and intended respect. It’s very clear from the language that the commenter is seeking understanding, and so I’m going to do my best to answer what I can, and explain why I can’t answer much of it, and why it’s a question that shouldn’t be asked (particularly as a comment to this article post). There is as much education to be had in learning what to ask and what not to ask (and why) as there is in getting the answers to the question themselves.

Absolutely no disrespect towards the commenter. And, Sylvia, I thank you for your comments and for asking your questions as respectfully as you could.

Here’s Sylvia’s comment:

Um, maybe you won't wish to answer, but if you do, may I ask some questions about your state of being?

I keep seeing articles about periods and vaginas not being female and I don't understand. You seem like you could answer this for me! The article I last read was written by a cis het woman, as she stated early on, so can you maybe help me understand more clearly why she was stating that to define vaginas and periods as woman things was to deny trans men the right to manage their periods adequately. Is this true for you? How? Help me understand if you have a moment.

It was nice to read your article and find that you are happier now. My old babysitter began as a lesbian and ended up as a man in a straight relationship, so I ken it happens, I was just too young to ask him much back then.

In all honestly, my first response was, no, I don’t want to answer this. But that just forced me to query my own perceptions and why I was triggered by it, because I was triggered. The reason I was triggered is that part of this question deals with very specific body parts and processes that are extremely private (to anyone — cis or trans). And there were a lot of assumptions made in this question.

Sex =/= Gender

Let’s start by getting back to basics. The difference between biological sex and gender. I’ll let the World Health Organization do the heavy lifting here.

Sex

Sex refers to the biological characteristics that define humans as female or male. While these sets of biological characteristics are not mutually exclusive, as there are individuals who possess both, they tend to differentiate humans as males and females.

Gender

Gender refers to the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys that are socially constructed. This includes norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.

The Cis-tem is Faulty

Biological sex assumptions are made based on primary sex characteristics present at birth. Nothing more. Generally, there is no chromosomal/DNA testing. Sex is assigned based on the physical appearance of the genitals of a newborn baby. This assumptive designation of sex is problematic for so many reasons. One of those is in the inaccurate designation of intersex individuals, not to mention harmful forced sex binary alignment (which happened more in the past but still happens today). Many intersex people do not become aware of their intersex status until puberty when secondary sex characteristics develop. Others, not until adulthood. Some never know.

The whole system is flawed but it’s the one that we’ve had for many years, and the one we continue to use, at least for now. Humans often resist change. Prism & Pen recently published an article by Linda Caroll that gets to the heart of the problem with this system and the harm it has caused and will continue to, if we let it.

The doctor told him life will be too hard for the baby. Too hard. The child will be bullied. Picked on. Ostracized. They can fix it, the doctor said. Just a quick surgery. The baby won’t even remember.

What About Gender?

Gender is a completely different ballgame. Reading some of the language used in the comment on my article, there seems to be some crossover and confusion between sex and gender. Male and female are usually used to signify the biological sex whereas man, woman, girl, boy, are usually used to signify gender. So a person who was presumed female at birth simply because their primary sex characteristics appeared female, may be a man. And someone presumed male at birth, may be a woman.

But What’s the Point?

Now, let’s get to the crux of the question.

why she was stating that to define vaginas and periods as woman things was to deny trans men the right to manage their periods adequately.

In short: A trans man who still has the female internal physiology is entitled to medical care for HIS BODY and HIS PHYSIOLOGY. He deserves to be permitted to care for his body’s functions in the same way as anyone else. And, most importantly, he deserves to do this in a way that is comfortable and does not cause stress through dysphoria, judgment, or any other means.

Menstruation doesn’t change anything about your gender, it’s just a thing that some bodies do.

To put this into perspective, if we “define vaginas and periods as woman things”, then what about those women who do not have a period (trans and cis women)? If a woman undergoes a hysterectomy or is born without a uterus, is she no longer a woman? Of course not.

Feeling Awkward in Women’s Spaces

Recently, I needed to have an internal ultrasound and I went to a center called Ultrasound for Women. I’m non-binary and I was extremely anxious going in there, not just because of the procedure but because it specifies that this is a place for women. I felt like I didn’t belong and like I was doing something wrong. Imagine how difficult and painful it is to sit in a room at a center that specifies it is for women when you are a man, or, not-a-woman.

Why Ask Me?

In the final paragraph of Sylvia’s comment, I notice some more potential assumptions made and I want to clarify those.

... My old babysitter began as a lesbian and ended up as a man in a straight relationship, so I knox [sic.] it happens, I was just too young to ask him much back then.

This is confusing to me because I have no connection to that. I don’t know what that’s like. That’s not my experience. There is a trans normative narrative here that is problematic. I grew up thinking that a trans person was a gay person who transitioned to be straight. That’s what I was taught. So for me, I had no thought process around the idea that I could possibly be trans simply because, in society’s eyes, I was ‘straight’.

I was attracted to men so my gender confusion didn’t even surface because it was instantly denied.

• I was attracted to men
• Therefore I was straight
• Therefore I was a woman

Hence why I married a cishet man! It didn’t matter that I already had all this dysphoria around lower body parts and the physiological ‘cycle’. It didn’t matter that since I was a teen I hated feminine words, feminine appearance, anything girly. It didn’t matter that I wished I was a boy and had a penis and I just assumed every other ‘girl’ had that same experience. None of that mattered because I was attracted to males. Therefore trans was not a consideration for me, let alone anyone around me.

Not all trans men or transmasculine people identify at any point as a lesbian.

I’ve also purposively kept this whole article mostly removed from self and answered the question as it is asked pertaining to trans men — which I am not. There is so much to be said about this topic from the non-binary perspective but this article is already ridiculously long.

Just Don’t Ask

Finally, I’d like to touch on why this is not an appropriate question to ask in the first place in this context. For some trans-masculine people, the things being questioned here can cause dysphoria. They can be triggering for trans-mascs that may feel disconnected from certain parts of their body.

For me, this is a huge area of dysphoria. I don’t like saying or writing the words, even in a biological and scientific sense. In this post, I have only included certain words when copy-and-pasting and even that irks me. Sure, they are just words, but like any trigger, I’m still working through the connections and traumas.

I’ve responded to this comment simply because of the authenticity in which it was asked, but unless somebody is specifically talking about their body parts and physiology, don’t ask about them. I’ve written other articles where I mentioned my dysphoria around the lower body parts and my inability to even say the P-word that was mentioned. And so, I can’t answer this question directly. Because to do so makes me way too uncomfortable.

Is this true for you? How?

I’m not answering that part. Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough to talk about those personal things, but today is not that day. It will only ever be on my terms — you’ll know when because I’ll write an article on it! Ha.

Gender is a social construct and sex is just a presumption. A light is on or it’s off — that’s a binary. That doesn’t exist in sex or gender and therefore there is no single physical way to be man or woman. People have body parts that undergo physiological processes. Assigning those parts and processes to only men or only women, doesn’t just deny trans men the right to manage their bodies, it denies their validity as it does every trans woman, every non-binary person, every agender person, every intersex person, every single person who is not clearly defined within a binary (a binary that never existed).