LGBTQ
Trans Ask: What Do You Transition to if You are Non-Binary?
There is no transition — only me
What the Hell Do I Know About Transition?
I don’t know much. How can I? I started questioning my gender for the first time (at least for the first time with language I could assign to the thoughts) when I was 45. It was only a few days before my 46th birthday that I began what many would refer to as a medical transition by starting Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).
I don’t know much
I say, ‘what many would refer to as medical transition,’ because that’s technically the term for it; however, the word doesn’t hit for me. For me, there is no transition. I’m not transitioning to anything other than me. I am simply adjusting my hormonal imbalance to finally come into alignment with what it should be. From that first dose of testosterone, it was like a bright confirmation that indeed, it was a hormonal balance, because, from that first dose, everything changed. Yet nothing changed. I was still me. Just a better version of me. A version that was happier and felt right for the first time, ever. That was just from a first extremely low dose. So of course, that excited me for the potential of what was to come.
Testosterone (T) Does the (trans-masc) Body Good
With my hormonal balance in the process of correction, my body began to work in a way it never had before, and my mentality began to shift to more positive focuses. How could I call that transition? It was simply stepping into myself for the first time ever — correcting a medical misalignment that needed adjusting. The word ‘transition’ suggests that we’re changing, becoming something, someone, different but the truth is, for many of us transgender individuals, particularly non-binary spectrum, the physical transition is simply the outer experience for the external world and though that outer experience often improves our inner experience for ourselves, it doesn’t change who we are at our core. It doesn’t inherently change us as much as establish our truth and allow us to stop ‘faking it’.
physical transition is simply the outer experience for the external world
The thing is, for many of us, you just never saw our core because we hid it so well behind the mask of expectation and fitting in. If it looks like we changed so completely (the narrative of mourning a loss, a death, etc), maybe it’s because you never knew us in the first place. I feel like this is why a lot of us lose friends and family when we come out. Then again, I think lose is a drastic word — wouldn’t cleanse be a better option? Because we cleanse our lives of those people who were only ever attached to the personality we created and displayed for our own safety: The Mask! We keep around those that grow with us, embrace us, encourage us, because they’re the ones who always knew us at our core. They’re the ones that know that a physical adjustment has no bearing on our heart, our soul, and our loving relationships.
We cleanse our lives of those people who were only ever attached to the personality we created and displayed for our own safety.
I’ve been sharing my daily journal since starting T on T-Day and Beyond. We all have our own journeys but I hope mine can give a little helpful insight to those that come after.
And for the other side perspective, the experience of Estrogen (E) HRT, I recommend Kathrin Seiler’s daily trans journey journalling in Kathrin’s Life.
What is Transition, Really?
Merriam Webster’s Definition of Transition
Essential Meaning of transition
: a change from one state or condition to another
We want to have a smooth transition when the new owners take control of the company.the sometimes difficult transition from childhood to adulthood
Full Definition of transition
3: a process by which a transgender person comes to live in accordance with their gender identity through changes to their appearance and presentation often with the aid of medical procedures and therapies
NOTE: While many associate this meaning of transition with a process that involves hormone therapy, gender confirmation surgery, and legal name change, the term is also applied more broadly, since what transition involves can vary a great deal from person to person. In some cases, for example, the word transition may simply refer to the adoption of new personal pronouns and/or a change in clothing, hairstyle, etc.
How interesting that even Merriam Webster acknowledges the nuances of transition in relation to transgender individuals. That makes me happy. And it has also eased my anxiety around the word ‘transition’.
Am I ‘transitioning’ from unhappy to happy? From fake to real? From hormonal imbalance to hormonal balance? From dysphoria to euphoria? From lies to truth?
If ‘transition’ is just about change, then aren’t we all in a constant state of transition? Isn’t every single person undergoing ‘transition’ at all times?
If we specify that transitioning is the change from one binary to another, then the very concepts of both transitioning and binary fall apart because who can define where the definitive line of change occurs? Where does becomes the other? Is it from a biological ‘female’ body transitioning with top surgery and bottom surgery and lifelong hormones, socially transitioning, medically transitioning, legally transitioning into a ‘man’? Because if that’s the definition of transition, then very few people meet that criteria. But they say I’m transition-ing (which instantly disproves the binary but that’s for another article).
The Art of Transition
So, transitioning into what? Somebody asked me this and my response was, “Into me,” although based on what I’ve already explored, even that can be taken with a grain of salt.
Somebody asked me this and my response was, “Into me.”
Female-to-male (FTM) and Male-to-Female (MTF), Assigned-Female-at-Birth (AFAB), and Assigned-Male-at-Birth (AMAB) — all of these terms that are used to define can be problematic because FTM, as an example, is defining the transition from female to male. There are so many problems with that phrase. But let’s just focus on transition, because that’s what we’ve been talking about. Again, who defines what the parameters of that are? It ignores intersex people. It ignores non-binary people. It ignores everyone not on the ends of sex and gender binaries.
That ignores a hell of a lot of people.
I Don’t Know Much
I’m pretty new to this entire world of transgender experience, but I do know that I’m the same person at my core as I was before I started questioning. It’s just that now, I allow my core to be seen. Now, my core is free instead of being hidden behind a creative mask. Well, at least some of the time. I no longer cringe when I hear femme-gendered words and wonder why like I used to — I still cringe, but now I know the reason. I no longer ask myself why I find gay men attractive; it makes so much sense now.
I understand me better.
I like me better.
I don’t know much, but I know that I’m happier than I’ve ever been before. If you want to call that transition, then go for it. Personally. I just call it self-acceptance.
