Top 10 Liberal AF Utopian Cities

Assuming you have the dollars or bitcoin, that is

I want to move to Panama but my husband insists he’s too old to learn Spanish and the sliver-by-the-sea will be underwater soon. I counter with: who needs conversation and land?

He agrees he will only move to an English-speaking country so I’m looking into Ireland, where he can become a citizen through family ties and I shall achieve a windswept persona.

This leads me to the next question, why not move somewhere in the US that will:

— Allow legal abortion — Give trans kids human rights — Promote public education — Fund basic health services — Build walkable cities

Do such utopias exist here in the good ole USA? They do, if you are willing to put up with adverse weather and swarms of other hippy-dippy libs. The big barrier for me is mulah, money, cash-ola, and greenbacks. If it weren’t for money, I’d settle in Austin and start my own coven and goat milk biz!

Here’s my list and I dare you suggest they aren’t chock full of over-educated socialists.

Fairfield, Iowa

This little midwestern gem is half guru (Transcendental Meditation devotees), called “roos” by the locals, and half down-home midwestern farmers. Sounds ideal and it no doubt provides plenty of organic eggs and non-GMO beef. The town is a nice size (under 100K, over 10K) and conveniently located near corn and more corn.

Some people refer to it as “cornutopia.” When I say some people, I mean myself and my English-speaking husband.

The only problem is that darned Iowa weather, which if you believe in global warming — and if you are 100% lib, you do — isn’t going to improve.

Alexandria, Virginia

I grew up here in a privileged bubble, surrounded by CIA agents and Montessori teachers.

I ended up warped and wondering why I had no goals, waking up one day with a degree in philosophy and a tribal tattoo on the small of my back.

No one can afford this town, but if you win the lottery and bleed Blue, by all means get your Kombachu-drinking butt down here. You’ll be close to free (i.e. Socialist) national museums that commemorate things that never happened, like the Holocaust and moon landing.

Bisbee, Arizona

Bisbee was made famous in one of the greatest noir films about police corruption ever made, L.A. Confidential. The high-priced hooker, played by the gorgeous Kim Basinger, moved with her beau, played by Russell Crowe, back to her hometown of Bisbee. She vowed to open a dress shop because “the girls in Bisbee need a little fashion.”

This hippy-dippy waystations is the home to 5,000 or so souls. It’s kinda isolated, with the nearest metropolis being Tombstone.

Bisbee is an old mining town built into steep hillsides, great for anyone who likes a workout when returning from the co-op lugging granola and almond milk. Decades ago, the city kindly replaced all the soil in every yard because it was contaminated with mining toxins — so you know, now you can grow veggies which is a hobby all commie pinkos adore.

Bentonville or Fayetteville, Arkansas

These aren’t cheap, despite their location in one of the more economically depressed states in the US — the “natural state.” B’ville was Sam Walton’s home, and where you’ll find a Walmart Museum snuggled downtown, and the incredible Crystal Bridges art museum, begun by Sam’s artsy granddaughter.

Fayetteville is a college town, quite vibrant, and very close by.

The two towns, and debatably Rogers, form the blue and purple region of AR.

You can’t toss a live pig without hitting a bicyclist, and “free air” is available on the streets. It’s liberal in a moneyed, designer dog kind of way. If you are looking for the perfect home for your sheep-a-doodle or Aussie cattle dog, look no further. You can bring him/her/they with you when you sip your posh microbrew on the city streets.

Asheville, North Carolina

The state of NC is a political quagmire, sadly, but this town is beautiful — set in the piney mountains yet a half day’s drive to the beach!

Asheville is lib friendly and pricey. It’s about the perfect size and full of wonderful cafes and community theatre and massage therapists. I can’t think of one downside except the two I just mentioned: it ain’t cheap and NC politics are rivaling those dipsh*ts in Texas.

Asheville is also full of retirees, but what place isn’t these days? We are a graying nation so quit bitchin’ about the slow drivers and geezers who pull out their checkbooks to pay for groceries.

Portland, Oregon

This is a no-brainer but no self-respecting lib city list can exclude the city that built Powell’s Books. Can’t afford it or can’t tolerate gray skies? Then fire up an episode of Portlandia — hell, why not start with the first one, and watch them all?

You can’t swing pair of tie-dyed overalls without hitting a boutique coffee shop, psychedelic bicycle shop, or indie bookstore run by non-binary Commies. It’s gotten expensive, but the good news is the state of Oregon has a tsunami warning system, so you’ll live through the Big One. This also means your overpriced real estate is somewhat protected.

Other perks include relatively easy escape to Canada , a thriving job market, and nearby beaches.

Cottonwood, Arizona

Located in the shadow of the freakishly handsome town of Sedona, you are still in red rock country, and close enough to the vortexes to feel the pull of Gods. Your neighbor might sell crystal, or crystal meth — Cottonwood is a mix. This town is almost affordable, and liberals make up at least 55% of the population. You’ll find them eating brunch on the main drag, or taking advantage of the free disc golf course.

The climate is above average, with toasty summers and snowy winters, but the extreme temps never last long. If you want to escape, you can drive your Subaru or Toyota pickup into the northern Arizona mountains. If winter is too chill, you are a tidy two-hour jaunt from Phoenix. (Avoid Scottsdale, it’s GOP heaven and flying golf ball murders are no joke down there).

Cottonwood is probably more lib than right-wing, but if you start feeling lonely for your kind, Sedona is a half-hour away through countryside that is so beautiful it will be privatized when Trump gets re-elected.

Oxford, Mississippi

This is the only town on this list (except for the entire state of VT, see below) I haven’t visited, but here is why I recommend it:

— Warm climate — Getting more liberal by the hour — It shows up on every “small art town list” — It’s not overpriced because it’s the South — Opportunities for “do-goodery” abound because it’s in the South

You’ll be on an island in a deep red sea, but the smart libs are moving south, starting their own alt churches, and buying bug spray by the barrel.

Ithaca, New York

Ithaca is so liberal, the town requires all residents have a college degree in environmentalism, recreation, social work, or film. If you are lacking such certification, you can substitute work on an organic farm or reciting all the flavors of Ben and Jerry’s in order of popularity.

The people I know who live here are:

— A documentary filmmaker — A college professor — An unemployed stoner musician — A professional potter — A permaculturist

I threw in those last two, but I guarantee you I could meet a potter and permaculturist within seconds of arriving in Little Leningrad.

Ithaca isn’t all that expensive but like the rest of upstate NY, you’ll freeze your cojones off in winter, and if you don’t wear underwear (a lib thing) that could lead to frostbite and the inability to reproduce.

Somewhere in Vermont

Vermont is mostly small towns. It’s virtually indistinguishable from New Hampshire, anyway (sorry) but if you love goats and ice-skating, this is the region for you. This is the land where you can choose ice, water, or Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Money to come out of your refrigerator!

Final Leftist Remarks

I didn’t chose to have two master’s degrees, a penchant for overthinking, and the burning desire play disc golf every hour of every day. Who would choose such a fate, I ask you?

As an aside, I deeply apologize for leaving out Boulder, Austin, and most of northern Cali.

Here I am in Hot Springs, AR, pining for a place where I won’t have to explain myself or fear for my life because I’m too lazy to remove my Biden 2020 bumper sticker from my Corolla. A haven, where I don’t have to articulate the inexplicable, like the greatest sport ever known to humankind, disc golf.

“Disc golf. It’s like regular golf but with frisbees.”

“Well I’ll be. Never heard of such a thing. Say, are you from California?”

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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, Lies & Hoaxes: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Story, published. But wait, there’s more! For free humor on Substack, check out Flying Monkey Mind.