COMING OUT STORIES
My Ant Breeding Project Is Sane and I Dare You to Disagree
Some people would rather raise a gecko than a child
I once had a professor, kind of a MeToo pioneer who loved nothing better than google-eyeing girls’ breasts during his lectures, who talked about his calling. Being a professor of Importance & Consequence wasn’t just a job, no — it was his destiny.
Oh, for the love of Pete, you intellectually bloated buffoon. You were tall, white, male, and smarter than average — then some other guy just like you lifted you up from undergrad obscurity. My attempts to use this individual as a mentor failed like Bezos’s attempt to replace his lizard heart with a human one.
Which brings me to today’s topic: raising exotic pets, which sometimes include lizards.
The requirements for owning an oddball pet include:
— Social alienation, including but not limited to cynicism, despair, and dread
— Living or having lived in your mom’s basement
— Getting high from that sweet ’n’ savory pet store odor
— A deep love for chopping up frozen crickets
— Nothing makes you squeamish, except childbirth
Tigers and Snakes, Oh My!
This article does not endorse guys like the Tiger King. In general, large mammals don’t make the best pets because they take up a lot of room and will attack, especially if they were raised by unemployed Joe or Jane who confines them inside a chain-link pen while they spend their free time polishing their guns.
Just because it’s legal in Ohio to buy a tiger cub for $50 doesn’t mean it’s morally okay.
Miniature horses are an exception because they are the next best thing to a unicorn and hypoallergenic.
I am reaching out, instead, to the owners of smaller creatures: your gecko, your iguana, your ant colony.
And the furry pipsqueaks, too, like hamsters and sugar gliders.
If you aren’t familiar with a sugar glider, it’s a pocket-sized, gerbil-like manifestation of awwwwww! The only downside: a sugar glider requires hours of petting a day. They literally cannot be separated from their overlords/owners.
Anyone who owns parrots, which are definitely exotic by my definition, is part of the club. Talking, colorful birds come from the jungle and according to science, are baby dinosaurs.
Ants in the Pants, Ants in the Terrarium
Until I found Ants Canada Channel, I had no idea you could become the Mother of Ants. The mastermind behind Ants Canada is a comedian and ant-lover, so his videos are edge-of-the-seat dramatic and funny.
I bought my first ant starter set from Josh, 10, outside the public library in Tucson. I feel he overcharged, but I was desperate. I paid $100 for a test tube with a queen and two dozen workers.
A year later I had 10,000 ants.
If you don’t own an insect colony, you probably have no idea that Arizona is the best place on earth to be an ant keeper! There are more species of ants there than in any other state. This is largely due to the variation in topography and climate, plus God or evolution — whichever you believe — requires desert creatures to adapt to extreme conditions.
My first colony was a beautiful, bubbling swarm of life.
Children vs. Ants
I’ve come to accept that Fate didn’t design me for parenthood. The reasons are many and obvious: I never liked dolls, I was the youngest and didn’t have to look after anyone, and I hated babysitting and literally begged to have a paper route instead.
When I grew up, I was deeply baffled by other women who gushed about babies. Sure, kittens and puppies are cute — but human offspring?
Little did I suspect that when you aren’t into kids, you are probably into turtles, opossums, snakes, and spiders.
I should’ve known I was different when I refused to leave the insect museum when the tour ended.
I’m happy that normal friends are reproducing, yet they are wholly indifferent to my dream of raising a huge colony of honeypot ants. I love them anyway. There’s no accounting for taste.
Should You Reproduce?
Wondering how to handle that all-important question in life, should I reproduce? I have a formula, so you can stop worrying.
It’s more of a quiz than a formula, like the one AA has to tell if you are an alcoholic.
If you answer Yes to more than 2 of the following questions, begin your search for an exotic pet today, and tell all those well-meaning relatives who want you to have babies to F* off.
- Have you ever saved an insect from death by rescuing it, for example, from a hot tub, a mean kid stepping on it, or the inside of your car?
- Do you worry the monitor lizard will go extinct soon?
- Did you cry watching the film The Freshman?
- Does the idea of building your own terrarium fill you with glee?
- Were you rooting for Shelob in Lord of the Rings?
- Have your parents started charging rent?
- Do you have an emotional support animal, or want one?
- Have you ever told a friend, “Why would anyone bring children into this screwed-up world?”
Final Exotic Words
I tried to quell my desire for another ant colony when I moved east and couldn’t bring my 10,000 ants with me. Sure, I looked around, but this ain’t the desert. There are leaves everywhere and the ants aren’t just tiny. They’re microscopic.
I ordered a batch of pogonomyrmex but never bonded with them, and they died out.
Now I’ve ordered a harvester queen with eggs.
I’m giddy with anticipation, and I’m finally coming out as an exotic pet owner. It’s my calling. I stand proud with all the rest of you. Don’t be ashamed that you would prefer chopping up lettuce every day for your iguana versus plastering FB and Instagram with photos of your baby.
In the words of Shakespeare, “one touch of Nature makes the whole world kin.”
Since beginning her freelance writing journey in March 2019, Jean Campbell has learned oodles about humor — leading to over 7K Medium followers.
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