Time to Stop Making Excuses for People

You’re not responsible for figuring them out or solving their problems

People are complicated.

We have puzzle pieces, scattered about, or set neatly in place. We put them together ourselves or expect others to do it for us. Some people are willing to find missing pieces for others.

We bring some excellent skills to the table, or we bring our messes. We can speak our truth in our relationships. We can be loving, kind, and generous with our time. We can also play head games, withdraw affection, and be selfish.

Some people will act out when they’re unhealthy, but it doesn’t excuse their behavior. It’s only a possible explanation.

I appreciate a sociological perspective of relationships. Sociology seeks to observe and explain, not excuse, human behavior within the context of society. It’s not about trying to figure people out. I found it refreshing to study sociology, as I’m prone to investigating others. It hasn’t always served me well, even though I like trying to solve the mysteries inside of people.

I’m curious and inquisitive.

I like to figure out why people do what they do. I love with my whole heart, and allow room for people to make mistakes. I tend to call them unconscious when they’re unkind or neglectful, rather than say they’re acting like assholes.

My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia before I was born. Growing up with her mental instability taught me to assess others to ensure my health and safety. I went on to study psychology in college, thus reinforcing my ability to analyze people’s undesirable behaviors.

It’s a worn-out coping mechanism, but I continue to diagnose people. It still comes in handy when a would-be lover ignores or mistreats me. I explain or excuse their inappropriate behavior and ignore their wrongdoings.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Like Jesus said, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” But I’m sure Jesus had firm yet loving boundaries. We can love people without loving everything they do. We can appreciate their struggles and set reasonable limits.

Those who are open-hearted risk their kindness being exploited.

You may be considered a kind, considerate person. But are you kind to yourself? When you make excuses for people, neither of you will benefit. Your kindness will fall by the wayside. The other person won’t offer you anything. They’ll keep doing the same thing because no one is holding them responsible.

You’ll eventually get tired of your explaining and excuse-making. One day, you’ll recognize the need to extend kindness to yourself. Stop making excuses for others. Let them have consequences, which may include you ending your relationship.

If they’re mentally unstable, I believe they’re incapable of having a mature, honest conversation. I feel better when I can explain why they’re emotionally unavailable.

I don’t like to admit they’re acting like an asshole. Most of us have choices, and I know one person in particular who could’ve made a better choice in our relationship.

When we keep excusing unacceptable behavior, no one wins.

We don’t get our needs met, and we don’t hold the other person accountable. Most who suffer from mental health challenges can ask for help. With exception to marginalized groups or those completely incapacitated, people have plenty of options.

I’ve been consistently in relationships with people who don’t hold themselves accountable for their actions. They don’t seek out help when they need it, either.

They aren’t taking personal responsibility for taking care of themselves, because family and friends enable them.

I’m part of the problem.

I make excuses for them ignoring me, being flaky, or using me. Whether it be an ex-boyfriend or my kids’ dad, I let them off the hook.

As I wrote this, my kids’ dad kept texting that he wasn’t quite ready to talk to them. He took 45 minutes to prepare when he’d said he’d be 15 minutes. My old go-to made me think of his internal struggle with OCD. It’s kind of me to consider, but he kept them waiting. He’s chronically late. It’s disrespectful and rude.

My potential love interest ignored me, then finally said he wasn’t available. He’s right. I don’t know him. Maybe I never knew him, despite us being friends in high school. I’m tired of making excuses for his behavior. He strung me along with breadcrumbs, leaving me wanting more. Chris Marchie said it best in their article on being breadcrumbed.

It’s time I stop eating crumbs. I’m worth the entire loaf.

I’ve made excuses for far too long. It’s not kindness. It’s martyrdom. It’s also unattractive to allow someone to disrespect me like that. Let’s treat ourselves as we’d like others to treat us. Maybe then we’ll see a change. The patterns I want so badly to break will shatter on their own accord.

It’s not our job to fix anyone.

We’re not responsible for finding someone else’s missing puzzle pieces. Leave it to them and get on with your life. You have people waiting for you to get your act together so they can show you their love. There are no mysteries to solve, no searching for the missing link. Focus on piecing together your ideal picture. You’ll have a clear view and be happier.

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