Thoughtful Prison Gifts
When your best friend is headed to the slammer and you don’t want to seem inconsiderate
1. Pay for Her Lunch
This is exactly what I did today. My friend told me she was headed to jail tomorrow. To serve time for her DUI. So I grabbed the check and told her lunch was on me. Somehow this felt completely inadequate.
2. Woolly Socks
She quipped that it was better than socks. I wondered if this what other friends had given her.
3. Correspondence
Everyone agrees that prisoners need to hear from their loved ones. My bestie explained that she won’t have access to Facebook (no WiFi in the cooler) so I’m sending her photo copies of my posts while she’s incarcerated.
4. Toiletries
I figured looking cute in jail had to be better than the alternative. I binge-watched Orange is the New Black to confirm this.
5. Phone Credits
I was informed that phone calls are a privilege, costing upwards of $5 per minute. Since I’m so considerate, I sacrificed my lattes for the week and prepaid my girl’s account with enough time to call me for manicure advice.
6. Books
Reading is such an under-appreciated gift. Being a member of the big house book club can help connect inmates to fellow readers. I bought her a copy of The Shawshank Redemption to quell night terrors and give her a sense of hope.
7. Tampons
Rare commodities can be traded for special favors when you’re on the inside. So I’m sending my girlfriend a box of Tampax Super Plus. You never know when she’ll need to bribe her way out of a tight spot.
8. Drugs
Speaking of which, a colleague of mine suggested I pack some meth into a water balloon. “It’s great for trading”, he said, “Pack it nice and small for *ahem* ease of rear entry”. He answered a lot of awkward questions after that. Then I binge-watched Breaking Bad. I sent her a few Advil instead.
Side note: I should probably stop binge-watching Netflix and focus on being a more considerate friend.
9. Shank
Not exactly sure what a shank is but I read somewhere that it resembles a nail file. Plus I’m a terrible cook. So I binge watched The Great British Bake Off and snuck an emery board into a classy looking cake (that I made from scratch because I’m extra considerate). She might not be able to saw through prison bars or stab any bitches in the bathroom, but her cuticles will be on point.
10. Lube
I got this tip from another friend who’s an ex con. That was before I told him she was serving time for a DUI and not child pornography. My bad.
If you enjoyed this you might like some more of my humorous musings:
