The Art of Being Boring AF
An independent study on how to succeed at Mediuming*
A couple of days ago, some sassy minx was complaining that the content on Medium has taken a nose dive of late. Or maybe it has always been shit? Truthfully, her insinuations were pretty ambiguous.
It’s abundantly clear she’s just jealous of the incredible effort that unoriginal thought takes. Not just occasionally, but being boring as fuck on a consistent basis, requires determination and grit. Relentless vapid writing is more than just dumb luck and laziness. It’s an incredible (and highly monetizable) skill.
A skill that is now available to everyone! The following boring AF tips will help even the most insufferably witty or educated Medium writer fall back in line:
- Write about Startups, regardless of whether you’ve started one, worked for one, or even understand what one is**
- Failing that, only write about topics that are regularly featured on Medium. Here’s a great list of top tags in case you’ve forgotten how to bore the crap out of people who basically live inside this platform.
- Be sure to write at a sixth grade level. If you’re feeling especially brave, go for fourth. Stretch yourself!
- Aim to select topics you’re less familiar with. It’s completely inane reading articles written by 15 year olds with no life experience. And that’s exactly what we’re going for! If you’ve matured (or experienced life) be sure to reread #3 so no one cottons on!
- Every two days, be sure to include an update on how successful you are. Readers will literally fall into a catatonic state when they understand how much you’re raking in with boring AF advice about nothing.
- Use a plethora of topical words: entrepeneur, influencer, and medium are especially snoozeville. Throw in a few sexy terms like orgasm or polyamory to cure even the hardcore insomniacs.
- Catch reader eye rolls with cliches you learned in middle school. If you play your cards right, they won’t have to read between the lines.
- Add lengthy definitions for words adults already know. You can always research and copy their meanings from wikipedia.com, just one of the many great tools you’ll discover during the boring AF immersion program.
- Repeat step #5 more often as you get popular. The more readers you have, the more pedestrian your output. Don’t lose sight of your goals here!
- Make sure you sign up for our full immersion course. Just 8 months of mind numbing scholastic drivel, and you’ll be raking in fat wads of cash just like all the boring AF Mediumers* dining out on your $5 with their insipid anecdotes.
*Yeah, I made that word up but this entire platform often feels like a game. Write from your heart. Write what’s funny to you. Write about your childhood or your horrible Tinder date. Don’t just write mundane shit to make money off other aspiring writers (that is called Mediuming not Writing)
**Obviously that bullet point is only in this article so I can tag “Startup” when it’s published and bore the pants off even more readers!