SATIRE
This Supply Chain Ain’t Smooth as a Baby’s Bottom
In fact, we’re swaddled in quite a bit of concern

I’m scared, y’all. The state of the U.S. economy has me darn near peeing my pants.
Our nation’s busted supply chain is coming for my family, and there doesn’t seem to be a blessed thing we can do about it but pray and hope for happier days, as my Nana would say.
Don’t know if you’ve caught the TV news recently, but there’s a different kind of doom and gloom glowing on the airwaves.
Yeah, Americans are still dying. Americans are still fussing over masks. Americans are still gunning each other down — on the streets, in our schools — and, for those of us who still have jobs, at our places of work.
But a whole herd — Gaggle? Mess? Covey? — of container ships is nesting in the waters off the coast of Southern California. A record number, in fact. With no place to dock. A veritable catastrophe waiting to happen, if you ask me.
There’s a ton of hyperbole centered around these ships (I see your lies and exaggerations, Facebook), which contain millions of tons of imported goods that we Americans have a particular hankering for.
But, little white lies of the digital variety aside, we just may have to face the cold, hard facts. Some of us aren’t gonna be getting what we need — or at least want — anytime soon.
Cars. Furniture. Toys. Paper goods. And the crisis is real.
So real, in fact, that President Biden announced that the Port of Los Angeles will start operating 24/7 to clear the jam.
I bought a car six months ago, so I’m good to go there; I do have a sofa on back-order, but I’m not too concerned about its arrival date; my rescue kitty Cleo has plenty of toys, and Moker just made a big-box run, so we have toilet paper and paper towels up the wazoo.
It’s a more tender topic of which I speak today.
Why should our happy family of hoarders be even the least bit concerned?
Well, we’re getting ready to welcome a little one in January — if you’d like to be a part of my daughter’s virtual baby shower, BTDubs, please send me your contact info — and we’re a tad freaked out.
Disposable diapers, you see, may (or may not) be in short supply soon, depending on who you ask.
Yes, the new parents are all in favor of sustaining the environment, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Plus, the chemicals, water and yuppie logistics (yes, I blame my generation) that go into the care of cloth nappies pretty much cancel out their alleged eco-friendly vibe. Not to mention horror tales of Moms, Dads and even Junior getting impaled on those ginormous diaper pins.
OK, I know cloth diapers these days fit into cute little plastic/rubberized gizmos that Velcro around the baby’s butt or waist, depending on your choice. But there’s nothing very environmentally pleasing about those products (Petro products — ick) either, so disposable it will be.
My son-in-law, in particular, has been watching the shelves empty at his local Costco, and is not at all happy with the current sitch.
My child has tried to assure her hubby that safeguards are in place and they won’t be left high and dry, or actually, wet — because most disposables are Made in the USA; the Happy Couple has diapers on their virtual shower registry (did you forward your contact info yet?), and Mom and Dad have promised to rent a U-Haul and scour the Costco, Walmart and Target shelves far and wide if need be — but a sense of not quite foreboding or at least the tiniest bit of disquietude has descended upon their household. And I, for one, don’t blame them.
Diapers don’t usually come from China, so forget about the container ship backlog out West. There’s a shortage of long-haul truckers now, too, so how are the dipes— and don’t forget the wipes — gonna get from manufacturer to consumer — specifically, to my child’s house?
Oh, poop — I forgot about last spring!
Anyone who suffered Death by Costco starting in March 2020— empty shelves, Panic in Aisles 1 through 787 — knows what I mean. Just a whiff of even a tiny bit of an exaggerated tale about shortages will spur diaper-binging — even by nuns of the highest order sworn to lifelong secrecy and celibacy.
Plus, a new baby goes through about 700 diapers in the first three months of life. Yikes! That’s a whole ton of pooping and scooping — or peeing and…oh, you get the idea.
And if it’s a boy — which I’m told he is — “target practice” will ruin more than a few fresh butt bags along the way.
And will, of course, spur several additional trips to the local emporium with the concentric red circles in its logo to replenish supplies.
So, Sister Mary Catherine and your Comrades of the Cross— please pray for us. And if you have the urge to purge the diaper aisles at your local big box store, I know a young family deserving of both your intercessions and your generosity.
But maybe I’m being too optimistic. I know we’ll be lucky if we can get Baby Boy to put the toilet seat down.
Also — if y’all want to contribute to a worthy cause — the baby registry goes live next week. Send me your contact info. Deal? Deal!